This is a special peek of the Deadseriousness newsletter Let’s Get This Dread, in which I, Lester Lee, weigh in on hot topics in culture. Sign up here to get it in your inbox.
America is destabilizing the globe to fulfill the prejudiced, ill-conceived, reactionary whims of an octogenarian.
Jeffrey Epstein’s emergency contact, Donald Trump, believed Iran was just some other 3rd world sandbox, an Afghanistan or Iraq—rubble to be flattened into Qatar Airways landing strips. Random brown people cowering under threat of knuckle sandwiches—unaware Iran, a nation with a population nearing 100 million folks, has fully developed their own knuckle sandwich recipes.
More turmeric.
More strangling the Strait of Hormuz—the most significant oil transit point globally, responsible for most Middle Eastern oil passage.
More saffron too.
As nations ratchet up their knuckle sandwiches, we all miss the war happening right here on the home front.
Too much focus on the Iran War.
Not enough focus on the domestic war.
Ants are here.
MAD of em.
Fortunately, this isn’t my first war.
I’ve been fighting ants since the very first one crawled on my baby arm, threatening me.
First, to defeat the ant, we must get inside the mind of one.
What do ants want?
- Whatever isn’t theirs yet.
What you’ll need
- Stamina: this isn’t some quick, snap-your-fingers solution. If you decide to engage the ants, be prepared to clash forever.
- Bait: This can range anywhere from a sugar cube shining on the counter, a box above the cube held up by a stick attached to a string you pull away when the ants swarm the cube—to a honeypot. Find the sexiest Jessica Rabbit ant, something to get their men distracted before you pounce.
- Weapons: Better have that Grand Theft Auto San Andreas cheat codes arsenal loaded.
How to stop their siege
- Step 1: Negotiations
This could get ugly, but it doesn’t have to.
Meet with a representative and hash this out before anyone gets hurt. Peaceful solutions.
Ex.: “You guys stay out of my home and every morning I’ll throw an Entenmann’s cookie on the back deck for y’all”
- Step 2: Hand-to-Hand combat
The negotiations will inevitably fail.
Despite sharing this planet for thousands of years, ants have chosen not to learn the language.
As the next wave of intruders swarm, it’s time to make use of all those hours wasted with that Tech Deck Dude finger skateboard.
It’s your 8 fingers and 2 thumbs against the horde.
- Step 3: Take hostages
Never been a “take no prisoners” guy.
Take prisoners.
Ants should be trapped in little mini wooden pillories, for all their comrades to gaze. A warning to those who oppose you.
- Step 4: Escape
Ants humiliated in the town square.
Time for bed.
Only to wake up to the ants, arm in arm, singing “La Marseillaise”.
It appears they’ve been passing around revolutionary literature all night—they’re storming the Bastille.
Run.
Do not look back at the ants wheeling out human-sized guillotines.
Grab whatever you can carry and evacuate.
Your home belongs to the ants now. The Third Estate rejoices.
The ant-proletarians have conquered the human-bourgeoisie.
Perhaps you and your family can nuzzle together on the street shoulder, covered in sand.
You now live in an ant hill.
That Jessica Rabbit ant is laughing at you.
If you and your loved ones are currently battling these demons, leave a comment, share some tips. We must join forces before ants take everything.
