thelesterlee
It’s officially the NBA offseason which means players are moving. This is my favorite time of year where we wildly speculate who is on the move and where they’ll end up. Let’s go through the entire NBA and look at everyone who will most likely find themselves renting a Uhaul and moving to new cities.
Here are 50 NBA players who could be on new teams next season:
Star tier
1. Damian Lillard: This might finally be the end of this strange abusive relationship Damian Lillard and the Portland Trailblazers are in where both parties know they should separate but they’re staying together for the sake of the kids.
The Trailblazers plan will be revealed on draft night. If they select a player with the no. 3 overall pick it means Dame is gone but if they trade the pick then Dame and Portland will be locked into more years of pretending to still be attracted to each other.
2. Zion Williamson. Admittedly, everything I know about Zion comes from his pornstar girlfriend who has tweeted no less than 1,005,395 times about their relationship but more importantly, Zion’s relationship with the Pelicans in which she claims they don’t even speak and no one likes him.
If Zion is going to spend all of his time off the court eating Baconators and eating $200/hr pussy then the Pelicans should be open to moving on from the 22-year-old who is clearly not taking his career very seriously.
3. Brad Beal. Shout out to the ultimate bag man who has managed to steal $220 million from the Washington Wizards. Bradley Beal has a 22-23 playoff record. Never made it past the Eastern Conference Semifinals. And he costs relatively the same as the purchase of a major media company.
Personally, I’ve always felt like Beal was completely okay with scoring 20 points a game, making a bajillion dollars and being the Man in every room he walks into around Washington D.C. but it looks like he might finally be on the move to play real, important basketball games with like, actual pressure and stakes. #PrayForBrad.
4. James Harden. Jimmy Harden gave it a real shot in Philadelphia but apparently, he’s going back home to Houston for a big payday and an even bigger homecoming party at his favorite strip club. He’s doing the exact opposite of Brad Beal as he’s joining a Rockets team full of teenagers with zero chance to win a championship anytime soon. Goals.
5. Karl-Anthony Towns. Is there anyone in the league more confident right now than KAT? The guy is coming off a podcast where he said when he retires, people will say he changed the game. I hadn’t realized Minnesota had such fire cocaine but Karl’s plug is the magic man over there.
The Timberwolves already gave away their firstborn son for Rudy Gobert which means they can’t move him so KAT is the obvious trade chip if they ever plan on truly competing past the play-in although I do respect how seriously they take the play-in games.
6. Trae Young. It feels like Trae shushing the Madison Square Garden crowd happened 8 years ago. Trae is directly responsible for the firing of 2 coaches and if I’m Quin Snyder, I’m getting ahead of my eventual war against Trae by sending his ass out of town. Self preservation.
7. DeMar DeRozan: The Bulls came so close to accidentally catching lightening in a bottle with their 4 guard DeRozan-LaVine-Ball-Caruso lineup but injuries robbed us of some bizarre Miami Heat-esque run from Chicago.
Unfortunately, their salary cap is fucked and running back the same exact 10th-seed roster would end the same way next season. Blow. It. All. Up.
8. Zach LaVine: See everything I said about DeMar DeRozan.
9. Kyrie Irving: Dallas has to understand they can’t waste Luka Doncic’s prime doing strange team-ups with guys like Kyrie, right? The Mavericks traded for the anti-vax incel and immediately vanished from playoff contention. They can’t be bringing him back, right? RIGHT??
10. Ben Simmons: I am once again being tricked by the Ben Simmons offseason propaganda but he looks Giannis-sized now and perhaps he’s finally taking his job seriously. A team could steal the former All-Defense Simmons away from Brooklyn for a low price and have themselves an instant All-Star.
Star-adjacent tier
11. Pascal Siakam: The Raptors have been shopping their entire roster for the last 365 days. I’m not sure if they want to get rid of everyone and start over or if they only looking to upgrade on the edges but Siakam should try to change his lease to a more temporary month-to-month agreement.
12. Brandon Ingram: This has less to do with the Pelicans desire to move on from Ingram and more to do with other teams wanting to make a move for a big strong wing who can give them 25 points a night. The Memphis Grizzlies would kill for that type of player.
13. Jaylen Brown: I’ve never seen a player spoken about so highly for their intelligence be so consistently dumb. Whether it’s riding with Kyrie’s bullshit or being managed by KANYE WEST or his love of throwing passes into the front row once every playoff game but the Celtics should consider every single trade option before giving Jaylen Brown a massive contract extension.
14. DeAndre Ayton: It’s a cold world for the big man who gets 18 points and 11 rebounds every night. If the mid-2000s, Ayton would’ve routinely made All-Star teams. Every rapper would have at least one DeAndre Ayton bar. At the very least, Juelz Santana would’ve been in a music video wearing an Ayton jersey.
But we saw how meaningless his points were on this Suns team. He doesn’t draw fouls or double teams or any real extra attention from opposing defenses and when playing defense, he’s, ya know, fine at it. Nothing special. Phoenix needs more guys on this roster and trading Ayton is the quickest way to just get, guys.
15. Dejounte Murray: I think Dejounte Murray is an overrated dweeb. That’s all I have to say about him.
AARP tier
16. Chris Paul: I’m still not sure but I think the Suns already cut this loser.
17. Kyle Lowry: The Heat signed Lowry to an $85 million deal seemingly with the intention of using his contract to match salaries in trades for better, more expensive players. If he happened to play well in the meantime, cool. But Lowry was always meant to replace Dame in Portland.
18. Mike Conley: This is the point in Conley’s career where he bounces around playing 28 solid minutes a game for whoever requires his temporary services.
19. Nicolas Batum: I think Batum makes the most sense playing alongside Kawhi and Paul George but if the Clippers want to improve at all, Batum would be the first man with a pink slip in his locker.
20. Draymond Green: He punched his teammate in the face. His GM retired to avoid having to deal with contract negotiations with him.
New York Knick tier
21. Julius Randle: I don’t know what caliber of player you get back for Julius Randle but this could be addition by attraction for the Knicks. Randle lacks the emotional maturity to be a leader in the NBA. He spends more time stalking referees than playing defense.
22. RJ Barrett: Zion is flying escorts into New Orleans at an alarming rate. Ja Morant is blackout drunk pulling a gun out at a BBQ somewhere. RJ Barrett has become the steal of the 2019 draft. He was the only player that consistently showed up every night in the playoffs outside of Mitchell Robinson.
23. Obi Toppin: Obi Toppin will never reach his full potential playing behind Julius Randle in a Tom Thibodeau system where starters play 80 minutes a night. I think he can turn into a great wing for the right team if he is freed.
24. Evan Fournier: We’re about done here.
25. Josh Hart: This seems unlikely considering all the propaganda Josh Hart has fed the media about his love of New York and Jalen Brunson and Villanova and blah blah.
The Sad Big Man tier
26. Kristaps Porzingis: Kristaps can opt-in but if Beal is on the move, look for Porzingis to look for a new home as well. Especially considering he never wanted to play in Washington and was traded there because it turns out, you can’t put two random Europeans on a roster together and assume they’ll be besties. Luka and Kristaps never stood a chance.
27. John Collins: Death. Taxes. John Collins trade rumors. But this time, I think Collins finally gets a fresh start away from the tyranny of Trae Young.
28. Nic Vucevic: Nikola Vucevic was an All-Star like, several generations ago. He provides nothing of note for the Bulls.
29. Kyle Kuzma: No matter where Kuzma lands, we can all know he won’t be getting paid in fake crypto money like Spencer Dinshitty.
30. Jarrett Allen: Last time we saw Jarrett Allen he was being bullied out of every rebound against the Knicks.
Budding Stars tier
31. Mikal Bridges: Remember when the Sixers drafted Bridges and traded him for [Googles] a guy who isn’t in the NBA anymore? Yike.
32. Michael Porter Jr: I doubt the Nuggets will start shipping pieces of their championship team away but if there was an opportunity to improve, MPJ would be the first one gone. He shot 14% from 3 in the Finals. That can be upgraded.
33. Tyler Herro: The Miami Heat made the NBA Finals while Tyler Herro was on the sidelines dressed like Andy Sandberg pretending to be Machine Gun Kelly on Saturday Night Live.
34. Rui Hachimura: The Lakers will probably drop the Brinks truck off in Rui’s driveway but in the off chance this terrible front office continues to be a terrible front office, Rui Hachimura proved this season that he’s capable of helping a team make the conference finals.
35. Anfernee Simons: Budding star is very generous of me but I decided to make these dumb tiers so we all have to live with this hubris. Anfernee Simons can be a microwave scorer off the bench for a much better team than the Trailblazers.
I Think You Should Leave tier
36. Gordon Hayward: When healthy, Gordon Hayward could be a valuable part of a playoff team with his shooting and playmaking. Unfortunately, we may never see him healthy again.
37. Harrison Barnes:
— follow @dubs408 (@somedubvids) April 23, 2023
Get the fuck out of here, bro.
38. Tobias Harris: Tobias Harris makes $39 million. He scored 2 points in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals against the Celtics. 2 points. $39 million. There is no one in NBA history who gets away with less compared to how much their salary is worth. He’s stealing money right in plain sight.
39. D’Angelo Russell: The Lakers were swept by the Denver Nuggets in the Western Conference thanks primarily to how unplayable D’Angelo Russell was. They for sure would’ve lost anyway but maybe in 6 games(?)
40. Dillon Brooks: The Grizzlies already told Dillon Brooks they will never allow him back into the facility again.
41. Jordan Poole: The Golden State Warriors are the most expensive team in the NBA. Keeping Poole and his contract on the team while he dribbles off his own feet and bricks open shots all playoffs wouldn’t make sense for Joe Lacob’s portfolio.
42. Duncan Robinson: Duncan Robinson cannot keep getting away with playing fantastic in the Finals and contributing absolutely nothing to the Miami Heat until they get there.
43. Grant Williams: Two consecutive Boston Celtics seasons have ended after Grant Williams tried to get in the opponents’ heads. First, Grant was embarrassed by Draymond Green last year and now, he tried to challenge Jimmy Butler and yea, it didn’t work out. He has to go.
44. Collin Sexton: [insert Utah Jazz take]
45. Jordan Clarkson: [insert Utah Jazz take]
Change of Scenery tier
46. Cole Anthony: Between Markelle Fultz, Jalen Suggs and Bol Bol, there isn’t much room in the backcourt for Greg Anthony’s weird son.
47. DeAndre Hunter: Blow up the Atlanta Hawks.
48. Alperen Şengün: I keep hearing Sengun has the skillset to be some version of Nikola Jokic but needs to be on a team that grants him the usage he’d need to display those talents.
49. Jonathan Kuminga: The Warriors tried to develop young talent while simultaneously competing for championships. James Wiseman is already gone. Jonathan Kuminga is next.
50. Isaac Okoro: The Knicks weren’t even that great of a team and they forced Isaac Okoro off the court. If Okoro can’t find minutes against Quentin Grimes than he really has no place on the Cavaliers.
Who do you think will definitely change team this summer? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let’s wild speculate based off nothing.
