Future Hall of Fame talent Alyssa Thomas will begin a 1-game suspension following an uncalled flagrant foul against Caitlin Clark earlier this week.
When Caitlin Clark scores 25 points with 10 assists, crickets.
When she’s fouled, sound the alarm bells—the WNBA needs a new commissioner; all the women must bend the knee—how dare they attack their meal ticket—they are so envious and black and violent.
Her loudest supporters—the least likely to actually watch her games—never seem to catch all the shit-talking, whining. complaining and hard fouls committed by Caitlin. Odd.
Not all Clark maniacs are race-baiting bigots, but 1000% of them are misogynists, infantilizing an adult woman while framing every WNBA player not named Caitlin Clark as “jealous”—an adjective you will literally never hear men label other men.
When it looked like the Minnesota Timberwolves were getting handsy and overly physical with Victor Wembanyama, no one rushed to their dusty podcast mics to call the T-Wolves “jealous” of Wemby.
Real quick thought exercise, if you believe the NBA was better in the 90s when it was more physical and players took more midrange jumpers—but you also think WNBA players are being too physical with Caitlin Clark and you love that she shoots so many threes, you may want to take a break from social media and figure out what it is you actually believe in.
Call your parents and tell them they raised a follower who can’t think for themselves. Also, I am selling Deadseriousness Snake Oil, if you need a bottle.
No matter the reason, all Caitlin Clark stans share an overall disrespect and disregard for women and an overinflated sense of self—believing they could transform the W into a multitrillion, intergalactic mega league with their massive marketing genius, unlike these silly broads.
I actually like the WNBA and after doing a little market research, according to Caitlin Clark fans, the WNBA won’t survive if she continues to be *squints*… fouled…
I have made it my mission to fix this league, reshaping it in the eyes of the Caitlin vulva-riders.
Here are 5 WNBA rule changes to reshape the WNBA for the better.
1. Change the logo to Caitlin Clark: This goes without saying.
2. No one is allowed to touch her or prevent her from scoring: If the WNBA wants to take business to the next level, a thing I deeply and totally care about, these women need to keep their hands off the sacred merchandise.
Indiana Fever games would be simulcast across every network and streaming service if only she were allowed to score freely without any resistance. Every night should be a contest to see just how many points she can score.
Caitlin Clark pillow biters don’t care about the game of basketball or reality. They like seeing Lady Trae Young’s goofy ass chuck hail mary’s from halfcourt instead of passing to Kelsey Mitchell, a far better scorer than her.
3. Only straight white girls allowed on the court: The Caitlin Clark bean bouncers, if given their way, would ethnically cleanse the WNBA, ridding the sport of all melanin and Stud Buds. The only thing they hate more than trans women in women’s sports is women in women’s sports.
4. Everyone has to pretend Sophie Cunningham is attractive and good at basketball: If you are not publicly declaring your lust for Sophie Cunningham, what are you gay? If so, you are exiled to the Gaza strip, please see rule 3 for more information.
5. All player contracts, ticket and concession sales go directly into Caitlin Clark’s bank account: Caitlin Clark is the most valuable player in the WNBA. Sure, A’Ja Wilson’s won 4 of the last 6 league MVP trophies, but Caitlin brings a different type of value and respectability this dying league needs.
The WNBA was going out of business before Caitlin Clark electrified the company with her sheer presence, aura Michael Jackson levels.
So all proceeds belong to the Clark estate.
Welp..*wipes hands clean*…I just fixed the league for y’all. Time to stop
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