The 2023 NBA trade deadline was one of the most exciting weeks in the league’s history with a few of the greatest players ever being shipped around the country. Russell Westbrook, Kyrie Irving, Kevin Durant, Kevin Knox. All these future Hall-of-Famers are being traded right before our eyes. Wow.

Here are the winners of the 2023 NBA trade deadline:

1. LeBron James

What a week for LeBron.

He breaks the all-time NBA scoring record in front of his friends, family and Bad Bunny. Rob Pelinka decided to gift him with teammates that actually belong in the NBA. Sure, LeBron didn’t get his reunion with Kyrie but he doesn’t have to pretend to like Westbrook anymore and that’s a huge W.

Rui Hachimura, Malik Beasley, Mo Bomba, Jared Vanderbilt and D’Angelo Russell are all real NBA players who can dribble, pass and shoot. I’m not sure I could say Patrick Beverley and Russell Westbrook were capable of those actions.

2. Thomas Bryant

Here is a photo of the biggest shot of LeBron’s career—with Thomas Bryant begging for the ball…

absolutely dying over here at Thomas Bryant calling for the ball pic.twitter.com/ehCucNXn7P

— Kenny Ducey (@KennyDucey) February 8, 2023

There were reports that Thomas Bryant requested a trade because he wanted more offensive touches and now he’s in Denver playing for the no. 1 seed in the West with the possibility of winning the Finals MVP. No doubt in my mind Bryant believes he’s starting over Nikola Jokic.

3. The Texas GOP

Kyrie Irving is walking into Dallas as the face of all the nonsense culture wars that Republicans are obsessed with. Here’s Ted Cruz defending Kyrie against people who simply wanted him to get the medicine required to keep humanity alive.

.@chrisbrown on @KyrieIrving

“The real hero! I stand with my brother. Whoever don’t like it…go live your damn life. IT’S HIS CHOICE….”

Dem politicians & corrupt corporate media disagree; they believe YOU don’t have the right to make personal choices about YOUR OWN healthcare. https://t.co/qXxnRhrvDF

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) October 20, 2021

Chris Brown, Ted Cruz and Kyrie Irving. Ew. That sounds like me, 8 beers in at the party after someone asks me “who would you want to square up with right now?” Nightmare blunt rotation.

Kyrie and Ted Cruz will 1000% be seen together as Kyrie acts as the “see, a black guy agrees” for Cruz and then Kyrie is going to be annoyed in a press conference and ask “can we please focus on basketball??” following some horrific conspiracy he co-signs. Please do not ask Kyrie what he thinks about that Chinese balloon.

4. Phoenix Suns

The Suns got Kevin Durant, man. I’d love to sit here and pretend as if this doesn’t automatically make them favorites in the West but again, it’s Kevin Durant playing next to Devin Booker and Chris Paul. They’re going to win a lot.

The only thing stopping the Suns is Deandre Ayton and Monty Williams strangling each other on the sidelines like Homer and Bart Simpson. Or Chris Paul doing that thing Chris Paul does where he stinks in the most important games and continues to never win a ring.

5. Los Angeles Clippers

The Los Angeles Clippers are one of my favorite teams in the NBA. They are a fascinating look at team building. Kawhi Leonard was the biggest free agent signing of the decade but it came with having to trade everything away to bring Paul George with him.

Then they proceeded to fill the rest of the roster with Guys. Like, a roster full of 12 guys who can all do Kawhi and Paul George things to lesser success. Marcus Morris, Reggie Jackson, Luke Kennard, Norman Powell, Batum, Covington. Come play 20 minutes of pick-up basketball at this weird ass Crypto arena.

And at the trade deadline, the Clippers went out to get more Guys. Eric Gordon, Mason Plumlee and Bones Hyland. Come play 20 minutes and get buckets.

6. Tom Thibodeau

Tom Thibodeau is one of the few current NBA coaches who have very unique identities. We know that Thibs is obsessed with defense and there is nothing he loves more than a guy who can slap the floor and defend the perimeter. The man literally almost killed Luol Deng because he wouldn’t stop playing 48 minutes a game.

Thibs was gifted Quentin Grimes and Miles McBride in the draft—two guys who can smother ballhandlers but his real battle right now is with RJ Barrett. You can tell Thibs wishes he could play RJ 48 minutes but his defense stinks.

Josh Hart is the exact type of sicko Thibs needed. A guy who is probably capable of averaging 25 points a night but he’s a soldier who does exactly what his coaches ask of him. If Thibs tells Hart to play 47 straight minutes of full court lockdown D, Josh Hart is going to play 47 straight minutes of full court lockdown D.

7. James Wiseman

James Wiseman didn’t stand a chance in Golden State. He was a big man that needed a lot of work to reach his full potential being drafted onto a team that has no desire to develop bigs. Yes, there was also the pressure of winning now with Steph Curry but the bigger problem was his role on the team.

He now gets to find his confidence on a Detroit Pistons team where he’ll be playing next to Cade Cunningham who will make his life easier. He and Marvin Bagley can average a combined 12 points a game and be the Bust Boys which will be an appropriate nickname for them when they’re both working at Applebee’s in 3 years.

8. Cam Reddish

Cam Reddish is a hooper’s hooper which I’ve learned is a very positive way of saying a player is singularly focused on getting their own buckets and don’t play great within a team. He is now freed from the prison of Tom Thibodeau and joining a Blazers team whose sole philosophy is ‘Get Yours’. Cam and Anfernee Simons are doing the Spider-Man meme at practice right now.

9. Danny Ainge

Danny Ainge is one of those GMs that only make deals if they feel like they can ‘win’ the trade and it appears as though he’s found a mark in Timberwolves GM, Tim Connelly. Minnesota has taken Rudy Gobert and Mike Conley off the Jazz’s books and are singlehandedly sponsoring their rebuild.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Russell Westbrook

Westbrook’s life has been hell since arriving in Los Angeles but Russ has managed to right the ship. People were even calling him the 6th Man of the Year halfway through the season. He excelled in his role.

But once Kyrie demanded a trade, that entire Lakers locker room shifted. LeBron publicly campaigned for LA to bring in Kyrie which means Westbrook would 1000% have to be included in the deal. So it shouldn’t have surprised anyone when LeBron took 20 shots in his big career night and Russ took 19 shots in a night that had nothing to do with him. And then fought with the head coach at halftime.

And even after he was sent out to Utah—a city that has harassed him throughout his career—a report comes out that someone in the Lakers organization called him a vampire sucking the life out of the team.

Kinda sucks that Westbrook’s wife has to hold a press conference every 5 months begging fans and the media to stop calling her husband names.

Maybe Russ and Paul George can reunite on the Clippers and throw another big party where Nas performs again. Still curious about what songs Nas could’ve possibly performed at that house party like, none of Nas’s songs make people want to dance. You go to a party at Westbrook’s house, you’re standing there quietly nodding your head to straight BARS.

2. Brooklyn Nets

I don’t want to sit here and join the very loud chorus of “if this happened to the Knicks, everyone would be making fun of them” because yes, that’s clearly true but also, uh, the Brooklyn Nets are getting shit on plenty enough. No one in the NBA media landscape is attempting to pretend as if they didn’t make a massive mistake handing their entire franchise to the random moods of Kyrie Irving.

Sure, they had Kevin Durant, James Harden, Kyrie Irving, LaMarcus Aldridge and Blake Griffin on the roster at the same time and won a grand total of one playoff series but let’s not pile on—I’m just kidding BAHAHAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAH laugh at those losers.

For the first time in history, black families moved into Brooklyn and completely gentrified the organization, made millions and left the Nets in shambles. The reverse Williamsburg. Don’t be shocked when New York redlines a new district around Barclays.

3. Isiah Thomas

A very strange story emerged this week and was quickly swept under the rug but when Mat Ishbia took over ownership of the Phoenix Suns, it was reported that Isiah Thomas was going to be working in the front office alongside James Jones.

If you recall, the last time Thomas worked in a front office, he was accused of sexual harassment. It appears as though the suns saw all the bad press they received and told Isiah Thomas he couldn’t have the job anymore. Dang.

He also was a terrible fucking GM regardless of the fact that he’s also a pervert. The man traded two unprotected first-round picks for EDDY CURRY. He also hired himself as the head coach which is hilarious but yea, keep Isiah Thomas away from NBA front offices.

4. John Wall

Last month, John Wall went on a podcast and shit all over his time with the Houston Rockets.

“My first year in Houston, we were tanking. We lost 20 in a row. We were trying to lose on purpose, tanking. We were starting [guys] named Justin Patton.”

Justin Patton catching the crazy stray.

But what stands out most about that podcast appearance is Wall is talking about his time in Houston as if he was in the distant past and his career was revived. Only to be traded back to the Rockets because the Clippers could not play this man whose legs were obliterated and is shooting 40% from the field.

He’s most likely going to be bought out but I don’t see any team rushing to sign him. We may have seen the last of John Wall. We’ll always remember him hitting the dougie at Kentucky.

5. Ja Morant

Everyone is making the same joke about Ja Morant saying he’s not worried about any team in the West only for every team in the West to beat their ass but allow me to also make fun of Ja. The Phoenix Suns got Kevin Durant and the Grizzlies got Luke Kennard. I promise you, next time Ja and the boys try to fight Shannon Sharpe, Luke Kennard will be waiting on the team bus preparing his statement for the police.

6. Chicago Bulls

I wonder if the Bulls front office is aware the trade deadline happened.

7. Michael Jordan

Nooooot a great week for MJ. LeBron James became the all-time leading scorer thus giving fans another reason to declare his as the GOAT over Jordan. ESPN attempted a ‘Michael Jordan Day’ on 2/3/23 (get it?) but that was hijacked by Kyrie Irving.

Oh, and the Charlotte Hornets stink. But no worries, they made a big trade sending out Mason Plumlee and bringing in Svi Mykhailiuk.

Michael Jordan is in a dark room somewhere with bloodshot eyes and the baggiest jeans he could fit around his waist, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a craps table while he ignores phone calls from his family. I feel like goes months without even thinking about the Hornets. Wow, he just like me.

8. John Collins

Imagine getting push notifications every day that your boss is actively trying to transfer you to another town in exchange for a better employee. Imagine that happened for like, 2 straight years. You’d probably have a difficult time showing up to work in a good mood.

John Collins has been in trade rumors for years and now once again has to drive into the practice facility and pretend as if he has job security. And on top of that, he has to watch Trae Young chuck up the worst-looking shots as dust clouds evaporate from his scalp.

Free John Collins.

9. Breanna Stewart

Kevin Durant was out here begging and pleading for Breanna Stewart to bring her talents to New York so they could both play at the Barclay’s Center and KD dipped before Stewart’s Uhaul even arrived. I’m sure if she knew Durant was going to leave a week later, she would’ve taken that briefcase full of cash from the Las Vegas Aces.

The 2023 NBA trade deadline was crazy.