12 Winners and Losers of the 2023 NFL Draft First Round

The 2023 NFL Draft first round is complete. The picks are in. That little teeny tiny quarterback from Alabama was taken no. 1 overall. A bajillion trades were made for no reason. Everyone’s mock drafts were wrong.

And with every major event, there are winners and there are certainly winners.

Let’s start off with the winners of the 2023 NFL Draft first round:

1. Houston Texans

The Houston Texans snatched up two of the first three picks on the 2023 NFL Draft. From my understanding, the GM and scouts wanted pass rusher Will Anderson and ownership wanted CJ Stroud. Now they have the two best players in the draft on their roster.

Houston brought back All-Pro offensive tackle, Laremy Tunsil. Dameon Pierce is coming off a decent rookie campaign. On the defensive side, Will Anderson is joining second-year corner Derek Stingley to form a dangerous pass defense.

The Texans might fuck around and make the playoffs next year.

2. Lamar Jackson

After months of being dragged for wanting to be paid the money he deserved, Lamar Jackson finally got the bag. The draft started with Lamar getting a 5-year $260 million contract making him the highest-paid player in the NFL. He has the third most guaranteed money behind Kyler and Deshaun. W.

He’s also returning to Baltimore with Odell Beckham Jr and newly drafted wide receiver Zay Flowers out of Boston College. Flowers is coming off a season of 78 receptions, 1,077 yards and 12 touchdowns. He’s walking into training camp as the best wide receiver Lamar has ever had.

And we’ll just pretend as if Lamar and Odell are extremely injury prone and we’ll act like they’ll for sure play all 17 games for the first time in their careers. Sure.

3. Whoever replaces Desmond Ridder in 2024

Bijan Robinson is the most talented skill player in the draft this year and the Atlanta Falcons scooped him up with the no. 8 overall pick. Bijan might be the next Saquon Barkley and we just saw the impact a fully healthy Saquon can have on a team. The Giants should not have won a playoff game last season but having a star running back still has value in this league.

Bijan Robinson at running back and Drake London at wide receiver. Those are weapons that every quarterback wants to be surrounded by and whoever the Falcons acquire in 2024 will be hyped to play with those guys. Desmond Ridder, however, is going to just waste them.

4. Indianapolis Colts

Jacoby Brissett. Philip Rivers. Carson Wentz. Matt Ryan. It’s finally over. The Indianapolis Colts finally have their new franchise quarterback.

Buckle up, @Colts fans… ⁰⁰Anthony Richardson can LAUNCH it 🚀pic.twitter.com/gopTRAj3XA

— NFL on CBS 🏈 (@NFLonCBS) April 28, 2023

Anthony Richardson is instantly my favorite QB in the league. He’s like if JaMarcus Russell liked lifting weights as much as he liked eating devil dogs. He’s like if Tim Tebow took his passion for Jesus and transferred it to a passion in fixing his throwing mechanics and studying defenses. Anthony Richardson is like Cam Newton without CTE or what Josh Allen would be like if he grew up around black people.

5. Georgia Football

Georgia Football has created a factory where 5-star recruits jump on the assembly line and they come out as top NFL prospects and future Hall of Famers. Kirby Smart’s program is the forge in which NFL sack leaders are molded.

Anddd the Philadelphia Eagles are the only team to realize this, apparently. The Eagles selected Jalen Carter and Nolan Smith so they’re adding two guys from the nation’s top defense to their team that just led the NFL in sacks.

The Philadelphia Eagles can’t keep getting away with this.

6. Race Relations

There were 3 black quarterbacks selected in the Top 5 on the 2023 NFL Draft.

That was fucking unheard of when I started watching football [redacted] years ago. We just had two black quarterbacks play in the Super Bowl. Lamar Jackson is the highest-paid player in the NFL. The old boys club of the NFL that are CC’d on all of those weird racist Jon Gruden email threads are losing their stranglehold of the league.

Front offices are even self-aware enough to use previous racism to put out fake info and throw off other teams. Last week, there were rumors that teams were souring on CJ Stroud because he failed some fucking test but it was all BS. No one cared about Stroud failing that test. They just knew in the past, teams really were questioning a black QB’s intelligence and these QBs used to fall in the draft for the worst reasons.

It’s a brand new day. I love that we’re like, a week away from some super racist shit going down but until then, let’s enjoy the victory.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Will Levis

All week, Will Levis was being catapulted to the top of draft boards out of nowhere. Personally, I think Levis would be as average as Kenny Pickett currently is on the Steelers. Just not a guy you take in the top 10. But it turns out, all of these teams just used Levis as a smoke screen to trick the other teams. Will Levis was a distraction which sucks for him because it led to him being invited to the draft and sitting there all day having to pretend like he didn’t want to cry all night.

Also, where do you think his mom got that dress from? 1982? BOOM, ROASTED.

2. Tennesee Titans

The Houston Texans just selected CJ Stroud and Will Anderson. The Indianapolis Colts just secured Anthony Richardson. Jacksonville Jaguars are led by Trevor Lawrence. And the Tennesee Titans are essentially running back the same mediocre team that’s been getting worse and worse every season.

They did draft Peter Skoronski, an offensive lineman out of Northwestern, which was crucial after cutting Barstool Taylor Lewan but this team needs a massive makeover and bringing back Ryan Tannehill and Derrick Henry is only giving them diminishing returns.

3. Miami Dolphins

We don’t talk enough about how the Miami Dolphins tried to get Tom Brady and Sean Payton to basically orchestrate a coup d’etat on their organization and were docked a first round draft pick for it. Like, for as much as sports media has moved away from talking about the actual on-field product and more so focused on off the field drama, it’s insane that this wasn’t the biggest story for months.

Following a six-month investigation, the league found the Dolphins — primarily team owner Stephen Ross and vice chairman/limited partner Bruce Beal — violated the anti-tampering policy on three occasions from 2019 to 2022 in conversations with quarterback Tom Brady and the agent for then-New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton.(ESPN)

Stephen Ross tried to make this happen EVERY YEAR FOR THREE STRAIGHT YEARS.

4. Jahmyr Gibbs

If Jahmyr Gibbs doesn’t run for 2,000 yards and carries the Lions to a Super Bowl then he will spend his entire career being shit on for being drafted too high as if it’s his fault. Everything he does in his NFL career from now on will be framed around him being selected no. 12 overall for a team that 1000% did not need a first-round running back.

Plus, with half the Lions roster being suspended for gambling, Gibbs might be asked to do even more and man, he is just not going to live up to where he was drafted on a team that did not need a running back. Stephen A. is going to roast this guy without watching a single one of his games.

5. Chiefs fans

It’s interesting. The Kansas City Chiefs are the most successful sports franchise of the last half decade yet somehow, I also forget they’re also named after Native Americans and also do dumb ass tomahawk chops and stereotypical Native American chanting and shit yet they seem above the criticisms.

The 2023 NFL Draft is taking place in Kansas City this year which means there was a full night of ESPN cutting to the audience and the fans just casually doing racism on live TV. Also, those tomahawk chops look alotttttt like those arm gestures the German guy with the little mustache was doing back in the day soooo…

6. Carolina Panthers

Bryce Young could become one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and turn the Carolina Panthers into a dynasty that an entire generation grows up loving and hating as they dominate the league year after year.

Or, and more likely, Bryce Young is the size of a 10th grader and he’s going to spend most of his career on the injured reserve because linebackers are going to break his back over their knees like Bane did to Batman.

I will never forget hearing an NFL linebacker say that Kyler Murray is afraid of being hit and he can hear Murray wincing when he’s about to be tackled. I know not many people enjoy being hit but being a tiny professional football player lends itself to more fear, I would imagine.

I hope Bryce Young succeeds because the NFC is completely void of top tier talented QBs but man, I don’t see this guy having a long healthy award-filled career.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.