12 Biggest Winners and Losers of Super Bowl 57

Super Bowl 57 was one of the most exciting Super Bowls of all time. Whoever wrote the script for this game deserves an EGOT. There was drama, pathos, and of course, there were winners and losers.

Here are the winners of Super Bowl 57.:

1. Patrick Mahomes

Should we quickly run through all of Mahomes’s accomplishments?

2-time Super Bowl champ
2-time Super Bowl MVP
2-time MVP
2-time first-team All-Pro
2018 Offensive Player of the Year
5-time All-Star

Patrick Mahomes is the best quarterback of all time. Already. Winning more championships only turns this from an ‘argument’ into a quiet agreement.

2. Opioids

But in order for Mahomes to win that Super Bowl, he had to be injected with one of the craziest pain-killing concoctions ever created by the Kansas City Chiefs training staff in order to get that man back on the field following a brutal ankle injury to end the first half.

PATRICK MAHOMES CLUTCH RUN
pic.twitter.com/lcLtpIYtCU

— PFF (@PFF) February 13, 2023

Look at that 26-yard scamper. Somehow, Mahomes had his longest run of the entire season after almost being unable to walk 45 minutes earlier. Do you know how many Friday nights I’ve spent trying to be a fraction of how high Mahomes was in the second half of this Super Bowl?

Shout out to drugs.

3. Grass

Super Bowl 57 took place on scientifically engineered super turf developed in a lab at Oklahoma State University and funded by the United States Golf Association. Probably cost millions of dollars to make the perfect turf grass blend for the biggest sporting event of the year.

Andddd every player stumbled and bumbled trying to find their footing on that slip and slide ass turf. So huge win for regular old grass. A rare time when we as a country should actually ignore the scientists.

4. Jalen Hurts

Jalen Hurts threw for 304 yards and scored 4 total touchdowns. He proved he deserves to play in big games even though he’s literally being carried in those 4th and short QB sneaks that feel illegal but whatever.

But Hurts isn’t a winner for scoring 4 Super Bowl touchdowns. Well, not exclusively. He’s a winner because James Bradberry’s bullshit took all the attention away from one of the nastiest fumbles ever.

Jalen Hurts has maybe the worst fumble in NFL history pic.twitter.com/ZQrRWjicFm

— Bench Warmer Banter (@bwb_sports) February 13, 2023

Yuck.

5. Tubi

Tubi should be sued for this pic.twitter.com/eHhU7Bmmzs

— Axel (@axel_halvarson) February 13, 2023

Thanks to one of the most annoying Super Bowl ads ever, people are talking about Tubi today. No idea what’s actually streaming over there but I had nightmares about being dragged out of my house by gigantic bunnies so I guess that’s good for the brand or whatever.

6. Racism

Did anyone else think it was strange how the broadcast continued to push the Kelce brothers storyline wayyyy harder than the fact this was the first Super Bowl with two black quarterbacks? It felt very intentional to shift the focus away from Hurts and Mahomes because it’s realllll nasty when you take a step back and realize that it took 57 SUPER BOWLS for two black QBs to face each other. A league that is predominantly black needing 57 fucking years for two black quarterbacks to start a Super Bowl is gross.

And I get the ~~racist~~ people who say ‘stop making everything about race’ but acknowledging the advancements of a group of people who were treated as property in this country shouldn’t be perceived as risky.

Two black quarterbacks starting a Super Bowl is astronomically more interesting to me than pretending to care about the Eagles center.

And now onto the Losers…

1. The Eagles Super Bowl window

It’s far easier to build a super team full of All-Stars at every position when you’re quarterback is making minimum wage. It’s being reported that Hurts is set to sign a $50 million per year contract which means Philly has to make some roster cuts to manage the salary cap.

Hope Eagles fans enjoyed their historically great defense. It’s only getting worse from here. Now, the only real way to build this team is through the draft instead of throwing cash at guys like James Bradberry and Hasan Reddick. Let’s see how good that scouting department is.

2. James Bradberry

I mean, do I need to explain this one?

We need to stop it with conspiracy theories just because we don’t like what happened. This is defensive holding. It’s not always called, but it should be called every time. Btw even if you didn’t care who won and believe this to be a bad call. You wanted a better ending. pic.twitter.com/IUOfTfZBvu

— Just one World Series Win Padres (@SeanThomas39) February 13, 2023

With 1:54 left in Super Bowl 57 and the game tied 35-35, James Bradberry committed a defensive holding call to give the Chiefs an automatic first down in the red zone. Not great.

But the real loser move was his post-game interview where he admitted to holding on the play. It was such minimal contact that didn’t even seem to affect JuJu enough for the refs to even blow the whistle but nope, Bradberry the Boy Scout wants everyone to know that it’s his fault. Just blame the refs like a normal human.

3. Giants fans

Giants fans could take a sigh of relief knowing they cut James Bradberry before the season only for him to sign with the division rivals and then be solely responsible for the Eagles losing the Super Bowl. Chess, not checkers.

But the Giants also traded Kadarius Toney to the Chiefs at the trade deadline this season and, uh, he had a decent day I reckon.

Kadarius Toney gives the #Chiefs their first lead of #SuperBowlLVII pic.twitter.com/sL1CTcBY6y

— Aaron Ladd (@aaronladd0) February 13, 2023

Your friendly reminder that the Chiefs gave up a compensatory third-round and sixth-round draft pick for Kadarius Toney.

pic.twitter.com/yUIxyz4t4m

— Arrowhead Pride (@ArrowheadPride) February 13, 2023

At least the Giants got a third-round pick…

4. Drake

Drake spent Super Bowl weekend hanging out with Barstool Sports and watching the love of his life reveal she’s pregnant once again with a baby that does not belong to him. Oh, he also very obviously has some weird gambling addiction that should be addressed before someone breaks Adonis’s thumbs.

5. Conspiracy theorists

How will the masses know we’re worshiping satan?

Easy. We’re going to put a pentagram on your devil suit. pic.twitter.com/aR6dhp6i2V

— Stew Peters (@realstewpeters) February 13, 2023

There are people who believe the NFL is fake or Rihanna was doing some sort of satanic ritual for the Illuminati or whatever. I’m not saying these people are losers because they were definitively proven wrong or anything. You’re literally a loser if you watch a concert and think the devil is being summoned. What do these people talk to their coworkers about? Like, how do they maintain employment?