Why Does Your Wife Have a Coach?

Future NFL Hall of Famer, Tom Brady, and one of the most successful supermodels of all time, Gisele Bündchen had an extremely public divorce. We were led to believe Gisele gave Tom an ultimatum to either retire and become a family man or keep playing football every Sunday while spending Monday through Saturday in a little lonely one-bedroom apartment that smells like hotdog water.

But according to a source, Gisele had been dating her jiu-jitsu coach, Joaquim Valente, long before she and Tom broke up.

Now, I don’t want to get into the details of their relationship because these are two of the greatest at their given professions and with that, comes what I can imagine to be an impossible work/life balance.

Instead, I simply want to ask a quick little question.

Why does your wife have a coach?

Last week, I read a story about former Barstool Sports CEO, Erika Nardini, going through a divorce after she was caught cheating with her squash coach and now Gisele was cheating with her jiu-jitsu trainer.

As a grown-ass adult, what are you even training for? I understand wanting to exercise and stay in shape and blah blah but like, why do you need another human to personally teach you how to be good at whatever you’re doing? Cool, Erika Nardini is getting into squash. Dope way to spend your free time. I get it. Why did she need some man to give her lessons? Like, is she trying to get into the Olympics?

I am not wed but if my wife suddenly starts spending her Friday nights with a coach running through NFL combine drills like she’s hoping to get selected in the 5th round, I’m going to have some important questions to ask. Why are these middle-aged weirdos hiring hands-on coaches? Just play with your friends, or, ya know, with your spouse.

“Sorry, ugh, I wish I could go with you to see Madame Web this Saturday but I have a 3-hour private coaching session with my shotput instructor. Got to get ready for Paris this summer. We coming for Gold.”

If you’re significant other is hiring a coach for any reason, they will not be your significant other for very long. Unless you’re into that type of stuff. We don’t kink shame here at Deadseriousness. Hotel rooms keep an uncomfortable chair in the corner for a reason. Have a seat and enjoy.

But for the rest of us, do not let your partner get a fucking coach.