21 Thoughts While Watching The Trailer for 'Strictly Confidential' Starring Elizabeth Hurley

Okay, let’s watch the trailer for Strictly Confidential starring 58-year-old Elizabeth Hurley, set to be released on April 5th.

1. Why does every movie look like a Kingdom Hearts cutscene now? What is this 2002 desktop computer screensaver filter making this movie feel like the script was typed into an AI video generation program?

2. RIP Rebecca Lowell.

3. Bold to start the trailer with a character we have absolutely no relationship with dramatically killing themselves. I want to meet the one human on Earth who sat up in their chair when they saw that.

4. Oh you and your bestie don’t have matching broken heart necklaces that form a full heart when combined together? Sounds like you’re not really besties then…

5. I love this soap opera tone where the main actress, Georgia Lock, looks like she is trying to force herself to cry in every scene regardless if the scene calls for it. She’s just locked in, ready to take it there if she feels the scene needs more juice.

6. Ayyyy Elizabeth Hurley is nearly 60 years old and getting a little lesbian sex scene. Good for her.

7. OH NO, this movie was directed by her son…

8. So I’m pausing to quickly look up some other Damian Hurley movie productions. There is a grand total of zero (0).

9. I am going to imagine he couldn’t get a movie to release without having his movie star(ish) mom in the leading role but once you realize that your mom has to be the lead in order to get funding and distribution for your little movie, maybe, uh, don’t do the erotic thriller where you watch your mother get humped over and over while you record it.

10. Unless this is the story Damian really wanted to tell and specifically asked his mother to play this role in which case fucking EW.

11. Okay, back to the trailer.

12. Oh wow, the flashback scenes have an even crazier filter on them. This is the filter they use on Cheaters when they’re showing the girl footage of her boyfriend having the best night of his life with his coworker he specifically told her he hated.

13. I’ll be honest, I was NOT expecting there to be ANY diversity in this movie. Good for the Hurley family.

14. I’m a huge fan of a scene where a character has to steal confidential documentation from a legal or medical professional. It’s incredible how frequently movie characters leave their most important filing cabinets completely unlocked in the middle of the day.

15. I’ll be honest again, I don’t understand what’s happening now. Georgia Lock’s dead friend was sleeping with Georgia’s boyfriend? I don’t know. Not the most original idea here.

16. Why is she suddenly on crutches?

17. But the music cues are getting tense so I am to believe this movie is going to be thrilling as hell despite it looking and feeling like it was made by someone who has never seen a movie but instead, only had the concept of film described to them by a drunk woman at the bar right after she rewatched Body Heat from 1981. Shout out Kathleen Turner. You would’ve crushed this.

18. It’s insane how many shots they were able to cut of each actor blankly looking slightly to the left of the camera. If this movie ends up being longer than 18 minutes it’ll go down as the worst all time.

19. “I KNOW YOU CALL DAD-AH” Nah, nevermind. I’m back in. This movie is going to be FIRE.

20. Elizabeth Hurley has looked over a cliff in about 3 different outfits already. I’ll be there the first night this streams exclusively on Myspace.

21. Strickly Confidential is history. The first and last movie ever written or directed by Elizabeth Hurley’s weird ass son. Come on back to Deadseriousness when this drops for a THOROUGH review.

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