The Truth Lies Within Your Vacuum Cleaner Bags

Every time I open up TikTok—which is like, once every, maybe, 70 or so days—I don’t understand the appeal of TikTok, I’m an old man and technology has passed me by—but I often scroll past someone sitting in their car or (unkempt) bedrooms questioning their reality or self-identity.

As humanity has evolved from hunters and gatherers to DoorDash drivers and social media catfishing scammers—we seek to understand ourselves—to discover who we truly are.

Planes fall from the sky and a white guy keeps winning the NBA Slam Dunk contest every Black History Month—we live in a world of uncertainty. Now more than ever, it is imperative that we look inward and find out who we truly are.

Who are you? What is important to you? Why do you get out of bed every morning? What type of world do you want to live in and are we capable of changing it?

And there’s no better place to find answers to those questions than inside of your vacuum cleaner bags.

We can uncover our past, our present and our futures by simply examining the contents of our vacuum cleaner bags.

Every strand of cat hair tells a story—a reminder of who you were or a display of who you are now, or even a glimpse into who you shall become.

I’m an open book with you guys.

You’re not just my readers, you’re my family.

So I’m willing to go through my vacuum cleaner bag and share my findings.

The shards of broken glass represent my past pains and tragedies.

I lost the mason jar I keep the weed in.

Still hurts even thinking about it.

It represents my present willingness to move on by finally deciding to pick it up after kicking the glass under the couch.

It represents a future—free of a nagging finger cut that won’t ever heal properly because I decided to vacuum instead of picking up the glass with my bare hands like I originally intended.

And all of the little crumbled-up Hershey’s Kisses wrappers I vacuumed after I stole a big handful from the Mexican spot I went to dinner at Valentine’s weekend.

No clearer indication of my gluttony while also symbolizing my shame—quickly vacuuming up the evidence of my indulgence instead of embracing and celebrating my inability to eat one singular piece of candy without having to eat every piece of candy.

I’ve learned so much about myself today. I have been reborn from the vacuumed-up ashes of my past lives.

Ancient civilizations committed human sacrifices for glimpses of meaning from the Gods, new and old.

Today, we have access inside own our consciousness, just waiting in a supply closet or in the garage.

All we must do is simply pop open that dust-crusted vacuum cleaner bag to unlock a wormhole into our psyches.

We can walk, arm-in-arm with our eternal souls by digging through the vacuum cleaner bag—sifting through the molded loose fruit loops and the big cotton ball clogging the vacuum’s suction.

Perhaps removing that cotton ball will also unclog our hearts and minds.

Good luck to everyone who plans to embark on this journey.

The pilgrimage won’t be without its hardships.

Which is why I am now offering vacuum cleaner bag awakening online seminars as well as a training package—at a discounted price of course because you guys are my family— of just 3 swift payments of $999.99 and I will have you seeing your future ancestors inside of your old shaved pubes.

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