thelesterlee
I’m not not athletic. At 6-foot, 190-pounds, I can maneuver on a court or field. I can touch the rim. Dunk? I don’t know but I can touch the rim. That feels somewhat athletic.
Last night, I sat down to make a list called “The Summer Olympic Events I Could Probably Medal In”. However, this morning I woke up with a bad back and it feels far more likely I leave the Olympics on a stretcher than in the medal ceremony so instead, let’s talk about the events that would kill me.
Here are the Summer Olympic events that would send me to the emergency room:
1. Equestrian
Horses terrify me. Have you ever seen one of those things run full speed? Why would I attempt to sit on one and believe I can control this beast?
One of those little backkicks to the chest and this is the last new Deadseriousness article anyone will ever read. I have a bad back now. If I get thrown off a horse, I fear walking will become a memory.
I did survive dating a horse girl once. That alone feels worthy of some trophy. I still smell the manure from time to time.
2. Fencing
That’s the one where you sword fight, right? Nah. I’m out. No amount of training could prepare me for a guy in a faceless mask trying to stab me. Fight or flight’s kicking in and I’m choosing flight every time.
And even if I was just training by myself, I do not trust me playing around with sharp objects. I’ve gotten comfortable owning two fully operational eyes and I’m not Christine McVie. I’d rather not go blind doing this medieval nonsense.
3. All the BMX shit
It took me an embarrassingly long time to learn how to ride a bike. I didn’t enjoy falling/scraping my knees. Turns out, I’m still anti-falling and bleeding.
I also grew up in the MTV Jackass era where you couldn’t go a full 24 hours without seeing someone obliterate their pelvis doing some BMX trick. I never wanted children but I don’t want to split myself in half on a bike and permanently remove that option from my life.
Protect your testes.
4. Triathlon
I’m literally vaping as I write this. Do I need to further explain why swimming, running and cycling 32 straight miles is a bad idea? You’d hear my lungs slapping onto the ground through the NBC broadcast.
The triathlon is an event for the true sickos out there. I have a difficult time going to the gym back-to-back days. The idea of biking, running and swimming every day to prepare for the Summer Olympics sounds like one of the nightmares I get when my life is stressful.
Pray for these brave men and women. Could NOT be me.
5. Surfing
Sooo I’m not entirely sure I know how to swim like, if my life depended on it I could probably find a way to survive a boat capsizing but getting on a wooden board and attacking the ocean would be a mistake on my part.
If it’s me vs. the ocean, Poseidon wins that confrontation 11 times out of 10. We might as well add all diving events to this too because there is no way I dive from as high as they do and ever resurface. I’m hitting the bottom of the pool and waking up to a Pop Smoke concert. It’s over.
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Which Summer Olympics event do you think would take your life away? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
