Ranking The 2024 NFL Head Coaching Vacancies

As of right now, there of six NFL head coaching vacancies but no two landing spots are the same. All six come with their own unique challenges and advantages.

Every job has its perks and such. Most of these jobs suck, though. I can’t stress that enough.

Let’s rank the 2023 NFL head coaching vacancies:

6. Las Vegas Raiders

Antonio Pierce just put on an interim head coaching master class completing revitalizing what should have been a dead Raiders team following the firing of Josh McDaniels.

Everyone in that locker room loves Pierce and he has no chance at being the full-time head coach next season because he isn’t a 25-year geek who is the step-nephew of Mike Shanahan and who spent a year in Los Angeles getting Sean McVay his morning coffee.

So whoever’s coming in behind Pierce is already disliked by the team. A team led by Jimmy fucking Garoppolo and his $28 million salary next year. The Raiders have the worst QB situation out of any of these teams.

Reminder: if you don’t have this level of clout, you have no shot at succeeding with this team next season.

This video of Antonio Pierce leaving the field with the fans will give you goosebumps. #Raiders pic.twitter.com/IlydivFON2

— Logan Reever (@loganreever) January 8, 2024

Antonio Pierce let Maxx Crosby smoke black and milds in the locker room. The next coach doesn’t stand a chance.

5. Los Angeles Chargers

You cannot convince me coaching the Chargers is a good idea. From Marty Shottenheimer to Norv Turner to Anthony Lynn to Brandon Staley.

These have been some of the most talented rosters with some of the best coaches available but there’s just something about putting on those powder blue Chargers jerseys that makes players crumble in 4th quarters. Something makes kickers suddenly lose all of their abilities at the least opportune times.

In 2010, the Chargers had both the no. 1 ranked offense AND the no. 1 ranked defense. THEY DIDN’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.

The Chargers are cursed.

Justin Herbert could end up with every passing record when his career is over and he may never win a playoff game because of some random 4th quarter fumble or a local blackout causes the game to pause for a half hour and the Chargers lose all their momentum.

4. Tennesee Titans

I have no idea what happened between Mike Vrabel and the Tennesee Titans. I imagine 6 years working together in the NFL feels like 30 so perhaps they both needed space from each other but the Titans are in a weird space where they’re aging and their young talent isn’t blossoming fast enough to keep up.

The AJ Brown trade broke this franchise.

I never understand why teams trade their star wide receivers and then attempt to piece together Frankenstein mashups of cheap, less-talented versions. Instead of just paying AJ Brown, the Titans signed an aging DeAndre Hopkins and drafted Treylon Burks with the pick they got from Philadelphia in the Brown trade.

Treylon Burks has 1 career touchdown in two seasons. AJ Brown and the Eagles went to the Super Bowl and the Titans fired Mike Vrabel soooo.

At least Will Levis looks like a guy who can will a team to some wins but also a guy who could easily turn into Carson Wentz where he convinces himself it is solely up to him to make big plays leading to the most disgusting interceptions you’ve ever seen and constant trips to the blue tent for concussion tests.

3. Atlanta Falcons

Whoever gets the head coaching job for the Atlanta Falcons can moonwalk into the playoffs next season if they do something Arthur Smith refused: make the good players look good.

You have Bijan Robinson and Kyle Pitts. This is going to sound crazy but maybe put the ball in their fucking hands. I don’t know.

The Falcons play in a division with 3 other teams who want nothing more than to finish 8-8-1. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers barely won the division this year and I would be shocked if they score more than 3 points in the playoffs.

You also just have to keep Desmond Ridder off the field but I imagine the new head coach will realize that as soon as training camp starts.

*whispers* don’t be shocked if the Falcons end up with Justin Fields or Kirk Cousins.

2. Carolina Panthers

Yes, David Tepper is Boss Baby who throws drinks at Jaguars fans and gets way too involved with the day-to-day personnel decisions for a guy with absolutely no football background.

And sure, a new head coach would be stuck with the confidence-ridden husk of Bryce Young—who has to stand in the front row at concerts or he can’t see the stage.

BUT, bad, new team owners/front offices love to overpay for coaches and fire them for no reason which means you’re getting way more money than you deserve and once they fire you, they keep sending those direct deposits until the contract is satisfied.

Coaching the Carolina Panthers is a get-rich-quick scheme for anyone out there looking to hit a quick lick and then like, go work for ESPN after.

Oh, and all you have to do is have slightly more charisma than this:

We passed on Steve Wilks for this pic.twitter.com/dZXwiqYF15

— IamMontyFetti 🖤💙✊🏾 (@WestsideFetti) January 9, 2024

It’s ski mask time in Carolina.

1. Washington Commanders

The Commanders are going into the offseason with 5 picks in the first 100 of the draft including the no. 2 pick overall. Obviously, you have to nail the picks but a new head coach is walking into a program with a fresh crop of highly drafted studs and a potential new franchise QB in either Caleb Williams or Drake Maye.

It’s a blank slate which means there’s a great chance the front office will allow you a couple losing seasons before you’re sitting on the heat seat.

If you draft well, you might not ever be on that hot seat. Caleb Williams seems like the type of cat who will make the most ordinary coach look like a Coach of the Year candidate. Ya know, like Zac Taylor in Cincinnati.

Plus, Dan Synder is no longer running this organization so you don’t have to worry about working for a thumb-sucking baby who was actively committing fraud in his final days as owner while pimping out the cheerleaders for high fives from rich people. You might actually enjoy going to work in Washington.

The Giants are going to beat your ass twice a year but no shame in going 15-2.