thelesterlee
As of right now, 6 NFL teams are without a head coach. The New York Jets, New Orleans Saints, Chicago Bears, Las Vegas Raiders, Jacksonville Jaguars and the New England Patriots are all coachless.
I want to rank these NFL head coach openings based on where I myself would want to work.
Feels like usually these articles are based on which of these teams have the best quarterback situation—which we all can see from miles away.
I won’t waste your team on that Bleacher Report-ass type of article.
This is about where I specifically would prefer to work every day. But before we rank these places, I have to share a little bit of what I’m looking for.
I need a cit
y. Have to work in a place that’s still open when I land home at 1am.
I’m not working in a town with one Door Dash driver and he’s done at 9pm because the only location with food inside is the local gas station and they close whenever Big Jerry decides.
Give me a city.
This may be the most important detail but I’m black—have been my whole life.
I see what these NFL teams are doing hiring black coaches when they want to tank and then firing them when they feel like they’re ready to compete for real.
So I’m not working for any team without playoff expectations. I will not become another statistic and a segment on First Take for Mina Kimes or Ryan Clark to get free social media bonus points by pointing out that racism exists. No thanks.
This may be the least important detail but I want to work where there’s access to hoes. Now, I am not currently on the lookout for hoes—however, if I were a million dollar head coach for an NFL team, I’d be on Ime Udoka time for sure. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and shit.
Okay, so we’re all on the same page, right?
Let’s rank these 6 NFL head coach openings based on where I’d want to work:
6. New Orleans Saints
Earlier this week, it was reported that Derek Carr won’t take a pay cut. I’ve already shouted my hate for Derek Carr from the rooftops and this week, I am once again reminded that the most mediocre quarterback in the history of history still somehow maintains power and gets an automatic starting QB1 job once again despite going 5-5 in 10 starts this season—reinforcing how unbelievably regular and average this dork is.
I will never choose to work with Derek Carr. I’m turning down millions and getting back to writing jokes all day for $0 before I look Derek Carr in the eyes and pretend I respect him.
Derek Carr with a bad bad interception. Wow. #NFL #NFLnews #SaintsVsPanthers pic.twitter.com/G5YGWcnZWNc
— Tanner Phifer (@TannerPhifer) September 19, 2023
GET THIS BUM OUT OF THE LEAGUE.
5. New England Patriots
Here’s another pillar of my life that’s crucial for this conversation: I hate snow.
I’m not sure how long I’d maintain the job coaching practice from inside the facility surrounded by heaters and texting the coordinators what I want the players to work on next.
Most importantly, after the firing of Jerrod Mayo after just one season, Patriots owner, Bob Kraft, is chasing Bill Belichick’s previous success.
Mike Vrabel won rings there. He’ll be the next coach. Congrats to him.
But I am not in the business of living in the shadow of a man currently dating a girl that was born when he was 48 years old.
Drake Maye can ball.
DRAKE MAYE WITH A DOT FOR HIS FIRST CAREER TD 🎯
(via @NFL)
pic.twitter.com/n5YsGWkYGt— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) October 13, 2024
But you can’t coach the New England Patriots until we get further away from the Tom Brady dynasty. Expectations are ridiculous right now. No thanks.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
On paper, Jacksonville seems like a pretty sweet destination.
It’s like moving to Paris compared to the Saints opening which is like, uh, moving to Jacksonville. Tough analogy there but you get my point. Maybe.
Anyway, you have Trevor Lawrence—who still has the potential to become one of the best quarterbacks ever.
Coming into the season that last spot in the Top 5 behind Mahomes, Burrow, Allen and Lamar was wide open. I hate that Trevor Lawrence didn’t seize the opportunity and instead, allowed Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold to make him look like Nathan Peterman in comparison but Lawrence is only 25. He hasn’t touched his talent ceiling yet.
The problem is, General Manager Trent Baalke has nude photos of Jaguars owner, Shad Khan, molesting a Palestinian child on Jeffrey Epstein’s plane.
That has to be the case.
There’s no other explanation for why Doug Pederson was fired but the GM who has racked up a 25-43 record since 2021 has ultimate job security.
Being an NFL GM is hard. We all understand this. But Trent Ballke makes it look like quantum physics.
I have a firm rule in life: Do not work for people you know you are smarter than.
You also play half of your home games in another hemisphere.
The Jags voluntarily play extra road games—making their season harder for themselves so Shad Khan can show all his European soccer friends how cool his stuff is.
It’s that song in Little Mermaid when she’s singing her ass off about all her ‘thing-a-ma-bobs” but it’s Shad Khan in a luxury suite bragging to a bunch of other wealthy weirdos while Trevor Lawrence gets sacked on 3rd down behind him.
3. Chicago Bears
The Bears have had 6 coaches in the last 10 years. They are internally broken.
Shit, the owner of the team just turned 102 years old.
Historically, I’ve gotten along quite well with older blondes but nah, I’m not working for someone who was born when black people were still trying to figure out what to do with their 40 acres and a mule.
2. New York Jets
I don’t see a world where Aaron Rodgers comes back.
Whether he retires or tricks another team into believing an elderly man with a ruptured Achilles and unhealthy internet algorithm can lead them to the playoffs, Rodgers won’t be on the Jets.
Garrett Wilson has already come out and said he’s not playing for the Jets next year if Aaron Rodgers is. No one in that building wants him back.
Which means I’d be working for a team that’s going into 2025 with no real plan or playoff expectations.
It’s the exact scenario where a black coach would get 1 year to fail before being replaced by a white guy, presumably a ‘quarterback whisperer’.
But at the end of the day, I’m still a New Yorker. I was there throwing cans of soup at Green Goblin in that first Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movie.
(I recognize the Jets play in New Jersey) but it’s still New York City and there’s a ton of hoes.
Sure, it’s a 1-year job where I’ll be fired the moment the clock strikes 0.0 at the end of the Week 18 game but I’ll go out in a blaze of glory in one year.
I’ve had some chaotic years in New York, with like, astronomically fewer dollars than an NFL head coach makes.
1. Las Vegas Raiders
VIVAAAAAAAA LAS VEGAS
My boss would be Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback of all time who I’d have nooo problem asking for help every single day and utilizing all of his ideas.
I have no ego here.
Tom Brady can essentially coach the team through me. I don’t care.
I’m here to live on the Vegas strip with literal, legal hoes.
Let the coordinators do all the work and I just show up game day giving motivational speeches with sunglasses on covering my bloodshot eyes from a Saturday night full of sinning.
No idea who the quarterback will even be next season. Kirk Cousins and Deshaun Watson are on the way. Don’t care. I’m going out like Lamar Odom.
Hire me, Tom.
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