thelesterlee
108 million people tuned in to watch a guy who everyone says is a “YouTube star”—even though no one in my life has ever watched anything he’s created—beat up a traumatized geriatric CTE billboard.
I’m not precious about boxing turning into a spectacle lining the pockets of a monorail salesman
1. The Rock
Dwayne Johnson’s been on my mind a lot this week. You can head over to the newsletter to read me wax poetic about The Rock’s weird career following the financial failure of his big Christmas movie disaster.
Anyway, The Rock already returned to wrestling last year. Why not go all in on being a big public clown for money?
Then, you pop back up in a couple years starring in some Oscar-bait movie directed by Alfonso Cuarón or whatever.
The only way to turn The Rock back into a megastar is to have Jake Paul beat him in split decision.
2. Logan Paul
I’m under the belief that every single one of these Jake Paul fights are fixed.
Whether it’s a clause in a contract, a literal bribe or just choosing opponents who have no business in a boxing ring—Jake Paul fights are not events in which you will stumble upon athletic brilliance or someone overcoming odds for storybook endings.
And I’m not going to sit here and say the Paul Brothers wouldn’t fix a boxing match between them.
I’ve seen their mother.
Jake Paul’s mom said she’s gonna kill “f*cking little bitch” Mike Tyson for slapping him 😭 pic.twitter.com/Ts1Sr0vMm9
— Happy Punch (@HappyPunch) November 15, 2024
They were raised a certain way.
Cash Rules Everything Around Me.
I get it.
Carnies gonna carny.
I, would, however, like to see the behind-the-scenes footage where Jake and Logan decide which one will be taking the loss. That’s the real fight.
3. Dave Portnoy
These events only really matter on the Internet. I’m not sure anyone outside of the offices of Netflix is out here discussing Jake Paul fights.
It’s people scrolling on their phones, getting in on the memes.
Why not mash this with Barstool Sports and turn this into an event that’ll turn Zyn into a Fortune 500 company? You can have the whole cast of characters there. Big Cat and PFT and BarstoolMikey and Irish Exit and Girl Who Just Knows How To Hang With The Guys
4. Joel Embiid
Look, things aren’t going great for Joel Embiid. After scoring 11 points in another disgusting Sixers loss on Monday night, reports from a player’s-only meeting leaked, including a part where Tyrese Maxey called Embiid out for showing up late every day.
We saw Shaq fall off a cliff overnight.
Dwight Howard went from perennial DPOY candidate to weird guy in the locker room, always waiting in the showers for everyone.
Joel Embiid plays like he straight up can’t even feel his knees and he’s not even bothering to show up to work on time.
He’s 30.
He’s not getting healthier and according to his teammates, he’s not miraculously waking up as a selfless teammate.
My man is like, 18 months away from a David vs. Goliath boxing match against Jake Paul with Mia Khalifa as a ring girl and Charli XCX sitting ringside watching Embiid wheeze through 3 rounds of patty cake.
5. Hawk Tuah Girl
I think Jake Paul fans—and I don’t mean people who like to see him boxing, I mean the FANS who want him to win these things—have no problems watching Jake Paul pummeling a woman.
In fact, I’m sure a ton of his fans are flooding his inbox asking for it.
There’s a guy who brushes his teeth once a week in the comments right now begging Jake Paul to fight Kamala Harris next. And he’s not trying to be funny.
Hawk Tuah Girl is in our lives because she hasn’t said no to anything yet. I could 1000% see a team of gold rushers, suddenly feeding off a random special needs girl, bringing this opportunity to her and Hailey just blindly agreeing as she continues to stumble, blindfolded into millions of dollars she will inevitably spend on cyber trucks and Hulk Hogan bitcoins.
I hope Jake Paul dies in the ring. Respectfully.
Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.
Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings