At this point, everyone understands that Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein preferred the company of adolescents. It’s like if your best friend was a world-renowned cookie-eater. And there are tons of photos of you and your buddy surrounded by stacks of cookies. And you both own cookie factories—cookie factories that share employees back and forth. […]
You read that correctly. This isn’t an article predicting the NFL Award winners. No, these are 2025 NFL season predictions…in award form. Last year, I handed out awards every week and my brain is conditioned to exclusively write about the NFL via awards. It is an illness no doctor can fix. It’s something I must […]
You know, in the superhero movies when the good guys finally get into the villain’s secret lair—expecting a one-v-one fight with him—only to be surprised by a reveal of a huge weapon? Like in The Batman when he catches The Riddler and then, surprise—The Riddler blows up a dam and floods Gotham—or surprise—the president is […]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until my heart starts beating: Dating. Is. Hard. I imagine it’s even harder for a 73-year-old autistic football savant—obsessed with the military and linebacker blitz packages. We’ve all attempted to pursue women we believe to be “out of our league”—but it’s not getting the hot girl that’s […]
As long as I live, I will never forget Aroldis Chapman smiling like the cheshire cat—after giving up a walk-off homer run to Jose Altuve to lose the ALCS. In case YOU forgot, here is one of the worst nights of my life: HOUSTON WALK OFF TO THE WORLD SERIES 😱 WOW (via @FOXSports)pic.twitter.com/1HTuVSRZHg — […]
Sources: The Cowboys are receiving two first-round picks and DT Kenny Clark in exchange for Micah Parsons. — Dianna Russini (@diannarussini.bsky.social) August 28, 2025 at 5:16 PM Dallas Cowboys get: 2 first-round picks, DT Kenny Clark Green Bay Packers get: EDGE Micah Parsons Micah Parsons gets: 4-year $188 million contract extension We’ve got […]
I love the US Open. After weeks of golf clapping at the French Open or Wimbledon—American fans stumble into Flushing, Queens—drunk on $14 Budweisers—hooting and hollering at US players like we’re in a dimly lit backroom, watching a cock fight—and we bet our life savings on Chico. Foreign players are truly flying into an away […]
Corruption is up double digits right now. And Texas just stole the ball again—throwing an oop to themselves off the backboard. The team up 50 now wants to change the rules to make sure they always stay up. Texas’s new proposed redistricting map—the redrawing of district boundaries—will guarantee Republicans 5 more congressional seats. You always […]
In 2005, at age 31, Jake Plummer—one of my favorite QBs back in the day—an OG gunslinger who I imagine used to jog into the huddle on first down and say—”watch me throw this football over them mountains”—had the best season of his NFL career. After getting the wind knocked out of them in a […]
I. Am. For. Sale. Toooo many folks crashing out and cashing out around me—while I write my cute little jokes—for free. Every week, I see someone like Robert Griffin III, sitting next to his wife—who looks like his little brother, using a fake Sega Genesis controller, so she feels like they’re working together—giving his annoying […]
I would love to be considered amongst the greatest to ever type words but unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever come close. I highkey suck at this. I lack, like, the basic fundamentals. Abritrary punctuations, run-on sentences and typos top to bottom. These are caveman drawings. Middle school doodles on the backs of worksheets. Honestly, […]
Hey, everyone’s going through something. We’re all in constant battles. It’s hard out here for a pimp. And it’s also hard for the hoes, of course. The Johns probably have a lot they’re working out as well. We don’t kink shame here but I know they’d be happier spending their money elsewhere. Go find love. […]
I wanted to start my 2025 NFL season previews with positivity. Nazis and perverts have swarmed every government body in the last few years and I don’t want to add to the nonstop annoying, depressing shitposts flooding everyone’s timelines 24/7. However, I still have to get a littleeeee hate out of my heart, as a […]
War of the Worlds is a modern reimaging of H. G. Wells’s original story from the 1800s, a story retold countless times over the years. Tom Cruise starred in one 20 years ago with Dakota Fanning. It was fine. Perfect movie for a Sunday afternoon in bed after a long ass Saturday night in the streets. […]
I’ve been waiting to hand out awards until I realized I was waiting to see what happens with Al Horford and Josh Giddey. Never delay anything in your life in anticipation of Al fucking Horford news. Anyway, with the NFL season starting soon and baseball coming down to the homestretch, this is the perfect time […]
How Did 2024 Go? Record: 3-14 31st-ranked offense 21st-ranked defense The Giants won 3 more NFL games than you and I did. Outside of Drew Lock having one of the greatest single games in the history of the sport—a performance to be passed down from generation to generation of Lock’s like Drew slayed the Gorgon—you […]
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