The 2026 NFL season upon us. Touchdowns, frustrating punts on 4th and short, maddening referee make-up calls, waterboarded with DraftKings and FanDuel ads, potato chips dipped by the pound.
We are so back.
Let’s hand out some NFL Week 1 Awards. First, the heck is going on in Wisconsin?…
The Disaster Class Award: Green Bay Packers
The Green Bay Packers defense started the game picking off Vikings newly acquired QB1 Kyler Murray on his first throw for Minnesota—next drive, body-bagging Kyler, out for the game with a concussion—knocking the Carson Wentz out of the Vikes.
Packers lost 39-22, allowing 22 4th quarter points—four consecutive unanswered Minnesota touchdown drives. Wentz, who went 2-3 starting for Minnesota last season—battling through a shoulder injury until he physically, literally could not anymore—knocked out of a game and sent directly to anesthesia for shoulder surgery.
Carson—whose career incompetence motivates the name of one of my favorite awards we’ll get to later— learned a vital life lesson last season with the Vikings: pass the ball to Justin Jefferson, good for 8 receptions for 92 yards and 2 touchdowns—typical superstar shit.
JUSTIN JEFFERSON TD
WHAT A 4TH QUARTER BY THE VIKINGS pic.twitter.com/2Rdj1RTL5O
— Pick 6 Pack (@Pick6PackFB) September 13, 2026
Packers defense no-showing but the eventual return of All-Pro pass rusher Micah Parsons should distract from most of their flaws. They started the game off ragdolling Kyler Murray. Bring that little Jalen Brunson-sized toddler back on the field when the Packers and Vikings play again later this season and Micah Parsons will break him over his knee, Bane tapping out Batman.
This was a full disaster class for Green Bay, offense included, their O-Line put through the mattress by the Vikings pass rush—15 QB hits, 4 sacks, and two 4th quarter turnovers—Jordan Love strip sack and INT. Vikings DC Brian Flores releasing the hounds on Love. Wiped him off the map like Rhodesia.
Packers skipper Matt LaFleur with the ultimate sleight of hand—tricking us into believing he’s a good coach, narrowly sneaking into the postseason with that final playoff berth in a modern, updated NFL postseason where more teams qualify. LaFleur would’ve missed all these playoffs if hired a decade earlier.
But we love our Wildcard Weekend, don’t we folks??
The “Offense Wins Championships” Award: Chicago Bears
2nd-year coach Ben Johnson said what he wanted and got it. The Chicago Bears are the highest-scoring offense in the NFL. 59 points on the Carolina Panthers dome piece, 6 offensive touchdowns, 551 total yards, 291 rushing. Men battling zygotes.
CALEB WILLIAMS TOUCHDOWN!!
ICEMAN HAS A 30 YARD RUSHING TD#NFL #Bears #DaBears #Panthers #KeepPounding pic.twitter.com/eBrVZqs6HZ
— Dom (@ZeroChillSports) September 13, 2026
[RELATED: Ben Johnson Warned Them]
The “He Can’t Keep Getting Away With This” Award: Deshaun Watson
In the past, this award’s landed in the hands of old-timers still impacting outcomes, so in a way, Deshaun Watson winning this makes sense. Watson, named the QB1 despite practices full of incomplete passes, everyone in the building knowing he’s washed and Deshaun having the annoyed, repulsive, angsty teen energy of a spoiled child ever since we all made fun of his illegal fetish.
16-for-22 for 205 yards and a touchdown. How efficient. Also threw an interception on the first drive of the game, got sacked 5 times—which PFF says were all Watson’s fault, not attributing any “sacks allowed” to Browns O-Linemen.
Watson believes he’s putting some film together to leverage for some other starting position, elsewhere, later in the season, post-Deadline, most QBs injured. He’s out here threatening GMs—you hire him, you will both end the season unemployed.
I honestly think Russell Wilson starts more NFL games this season than Deshaun Watson, so if this is one of his final NFL starts, I’ll always remember Watson overcoming the adversity—emerged from the crucible a weakling—melted, wilted, evaporated, one of most dramatic career avalanches ever.
All for a handjob.
This is a sick negro.
[RELATED: Cleveland Browns Announce They Will Not Be Competing in 2026 NFL Season]
The “Carson Wentz Cartoonish Hijinx” Award: Justin Herbert
#Cardinals force another turnover!
📺 CBS & Paramount+ pic.twitter.com/dY0YnE05RJ— NFL on CBS 🏈 (@NFLonCBS) September 13, 2026
This is a special interception. Truly shades of 2020 Carson Wentz.
Okay, Chargers down 23-14, a little over 9 minutes left in the 4th quarter.
9-point game and the Chargers are moving the ball after a Cardinals TD.
9-yard pass to Quentin Johnston.
Omari Hampton up the middle for a quick yard, a new set of downs.
Okay. 13-yard pass to tight end David Njoku.
Okay okay.
Let’s go.
Momentum.
Chargers about to answer.
1st and 10, Justin Herbert stares at a wide receiver, who’s facing double coverage the entire route, underthrows the ball, making sure the secondary has time to track the ball themselves, ya know, keeping it fair for both sides.
Absolutely no reason to go for a deep bomb into double coverage, down 9 with 9 minutes left, just throwing away a possession for a prayer you know god can’t answer without touching two feet to turf and breaking up the play himself.
The “Don’t Fucking Touch Me” Award: Darnell Washington
Darnell Washington gave Xavier Watts the NASTIEST stiff arm you’ll ever see.
The Steelers TE might be the SCARIEST we have at the position in the game 🤯🔥
(Via Steel_City_Recaps/IG) pic.twitter.com/uE48UbYtNJ
— Rookie Watch (@RookieWatxh) September 13, 2026
Keep your hands off Darnell Washington, or the Pittsburgh Steelers tight end will slam your skull through the Earth’s crust.
The Freshman of the Week Award: Anthony Hill Jr.
Anthony Hill Jr., the 60th overall pick, the 7th linebacker off the board, 63 snaps with 16 tackles, 2 passes deflected and only 23 yards allowed on 6 targets. More importantly, he contributed against the run, in coverage and as a blitzer. And it’s why this feels more repeatable than a linebacker lucking into an interception or getting a free run at the quarterback.
Anthony Hill Jr debut ⚡️ pic.twitter.com/QmuqsGCscS
— Omari Brown (@OmariiBrown) September 15, 2026
Fortunately for Hill, the Titans offense is nonexistent, led by offensive coordinator Brian Daboll, coming off a half-decade in New Jersey where the Giants routinely finished at the bottom of the league in scoring, meaning Anthony Hill Jr. will get a ton of defensive reps. The stats will be stat-ing weekly.
The “Maybe You’d Beat The Seahawks If You Stopped Jailing Israel Critics” Award: New England Patriots
The New England Patriots ended the year getting beat by the Seattle Seahawks and start the next year losing to the Seattle Seahawks again.
I don’t believe in karma—otherwise I’d be the most brutally injured and crippled man of all time—but I have to think the New England Patriots are about to fall off a cliff. Their head coach white-knuckling it—promised his wife not to drink or else he’ll be back at the suite with Russini—and their owner operating the Israeli panopticon—deporting, jailing anyone who thinks it’s weird how every politician, first and foremost, before we even know what policies they care about, must declare their eternal loyalty to the nation of Israel. I truly think Israel’s turned John Fetterman into a guy willing to suicide bomb a mosque if asked to directly by Benjamin Netanyahu.
Anyway, fuck the Patriots and I hope they lose every game until Robert Kraft dies a lonely death, only mourned by Meek Mill and David Portnoy.
Biggest Winner: Josh Allen
Entering Sunday with zero career victories in Houston, RIP Takeoff, Josh Allen finally secured the 36-31 win over what I was told was the best defense in the NFL.
4 total touchdowns and 357 total yards from scrimmage—334 passing, 23 rushing—Josh Allen let the world know his cape still works.
Biggest Loser: Aaron Donald
Coming out of retirement for the chance at a quick Super Bowl ring along with the newly acquired All-Pro pass rusher Myles Garrett, fresh off becoming the single-season sack champ—Aaron Donald was joining a Monstar wrecking crew.
The Rams lost their first game 27-7 to the San Francisco 49ers in Australia, Myles Garrett on the IR, out at least 4 weeks—Los Angeles held to only 7 points, the “Super Team” looking regular as hell.
And now Aaron Donald accidentally committed to some real, actual labor. He’s not teaming up with Myles Garrett anytime soon. It would just be him out there. Donald has to set his alarm for 5am every morning to head back to the mines and maybe a 9-win season.
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