Matt Gaetz Should Challenge Alan Ritchson To A Fight

I’d be lying to you if I told you I was a big Alan Ritchson fan.

Absolutely loved him in Blue Mountain State but I haven’t been keeping up with whatever soldier show he’s doing over at Amazon.

Blue Mountain State was a comedy from back in the day about a college football program, sort of Boise State-ish—but mostly about the parties and girls.

A product of Spike TV building their entire brand around being a network “for men”.

Women need safe spaces from men for their own safety. Men need safe spaces from women to enjoy middling sitcoms.

In all seriousness Thad Castle may be one of my favorite TV characters and I’m excited to hear the show may return soon.

I may not consume any current Alan Ritchson content but I know he is a dynamic performer and good for him getting a whole-ass GQ feature where he revealed he grew up with adult-man-who-paid-chid-for-sex, Matt Gaetz.

Here’s a little excerpt from his GQ feature:

Born in North Dakota to a schoolteacher mother and a father who retired from the Air Force as a chief master sergeant, Ritchson’s family briefly moved to Illinois during his childhood before settling in Niceville, Florida, where he was classmates with the ghoulish politician Matt Gaetz, who has been accused (among other things) of paying for sex with a 17-year-old. The mere mention of Gaetz’s name puts a charge into Ritchson.

“That motherfucker. We are adversaries,” he sighs. “It’s shocking to me that the panhandle of Florida continues to vote for somebody—knowing everything we know about him and the promises that he’s made behind closed doors about pardoning certain criminals—he’s just not a good dude! There’s part of me that wants to get into politics to outdo somebody like him for good, and there’s part of me that’s like, I’m not duplicitous enough to succeed in politics. There are certain people that do a good job of staying true to who they are, but they’re ineffective. I think Bernie Sanders is a hero. But it’s like, what has he accomplished?”

If I’m Matt Gaetz, I’m challenging Alan Ritchson to a physical altercation.

This is the real world, buddy.

We don’t have all those special effects and stunt coordinators and second and third takes.

Alan not only came at Gaetz but attacked all voters in the Florida panhandle for electing him.

If Matt Gaetz wants to win back his constituents, he needs to put the gloves on and see Alan Ritchson in a 1-vs-1.

Matt Gaetz beats up a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, he gets to return to regular life.

But we all still know he was a grown ass man who couldn’t even get a teenage girl to like him, like, he couldn’t charm a 17-year-old.

He had to pay her to sleep with him.

There are 17-year-old boys who would be laughed out of their Chemistry classes if the school found out they paid their classmate, another 17-year-old, money for sex.

A congressman did it.

If Gaetz wins his fight we all just stop saying it so often. Seems fair.

If Matt or Alan are reading this, please reach out.

I have no problem mediating this situation and setting up the tussle. I have so many good parking lots and dead ends to rumble in.

Although, I suppose Matt Gaetz knows all those same spots already because that’s where he has to drive his teenage girlfriends for hot make-out sessions after school.

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