Let's Rank All 29 Possible Shohei Ohtani Landing Spots

Shohei Ohtani is the best baseball player on planet Earth and instead of giving him all of the money they can, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim are looking to trade him before the August 1st trade deadline.

He is the best hitter by miles. He is one of the best starting pitchers too. At 29 years old, we have a potential decade of greatness in front of us and every single franchise should be considering bringing in the Prince That Was Promised.

Let’s rank every team based on who should be putting all their chips in for Shohei:

Fuck No

29. Houston Astros

28. Boston Red Sox

27. Oakland A’s

These teams do not deserve Shohei Ohtani.

Fuck the Houston Astros forever. I cannot stress that enough.

As a Yankees fan, I cannot look at the best baseball player in MLB history in a Red Sox jersey slapping doubles off that Lego ballpark wall in Fenway.

And the A’s ownership is not-so-quietly trying to escape to Las Vegas while having everyone else pay for their ballpark.

Don’t Even Pick Up The Phone, Dog

26. Kansas City Royals

25. Colorado Rockies

24. Pittsburgh Pirates

23. Washington Nationals

22. Miami Marlins

21. Chicago White Sox

20. Detroit Tigers

These are the worst teams in Major League Baseball.

There is no reason for these teams to even be thinking about Shohei Ohtani. The players on these teams aren’t even thinking about Ohtani when he comes to town. These are the teams responsible for serving up all the beach balls Shohei keeps swatting into the asteroid belt.

Good Season But Like, Be Realistic

19. Arizona Diamondbacks

18. Cleveland Guardians

17. Minnesota Twins

16. Milwaukee Brewers

Obviously every team should want to acquire this once-in-a-generation megastar but you also have to be realistic.

If you’re one of these teams then yea, you’re having a good season and you’re most likely making the playoffs but does adding Shohei Ohtani really take you to the World Series? If not, then you’re giving away all of your best prospects for a rental and a first-round exit. Sick.

Look at the Angels now.

They currently have the best player ever and they’re middling.

If you’re not 1000% sure your team is built for a World Series or you’re not sure you can sign him long-term then there is no reason to even bring him into the building.

Fake Poverty

15. Tampa Bay Rays

Unfortunately, the Rays are a small Mom and Pop shop that can’t afford to pay any of their employees more than $25k/year so there’s no point in trading away assets for Ohtani when they have no intention of offering him more than free parking at the stadium and all the Poland Spring water bottles he wants.

Eh Sure, Give It a Shot

14. Toronto Blue Jays

13. St. Louis Cardinals

12. Philadelphia Phillies

11. New York Mets

I don’t think any of these teams have a shot at winning the World Series this autumn BUT, it’s worth giving it a shot. Especially for these 4 specific teams who have rabid fan bases who 1000% thought their favorite teams would be closer to the top of the standings by this point in the season.

On paper, the Blue Jays should be sitting at the top of the AL East. Vladdy Guerrero and Matt Chapman are perennial MVP favorites. Bo Bichette and George Springer are two of the best hitters in the game. If only Alek Manoah didn’t get his talents stolen from him by the Monstars.

Shohei’s Preference

10. Los Angeles Dodgers

9. Seattle Mariners

8. San Francisco Giants

If it were up to Shohei himself, I think he’d prefer to stay on the West Coast so it’s a quicker flight back home to Japan. Plus, these communities have large Japanese communities compared to like, Cleveland where I imagine you can be born and spend your entire life there without ever interacting with a single Japanese person.

Trade Everything You Have For Him

7. Chicago Cubs

Perhaps this is my own personal bias to seeing the Chicago Cubs do well but I do believe Major League Baseball is at its best when there are meaningful games being played at Wrigley Field. Angel Stadium is cool or whatever but how much better would Ohtani highlights look if they happened at Wrigley instead of that bullshit in Anaheim.

6. Texas Rangers

Trading for Shohei would most likely only be a rental for the Texas Rangers but fuck it, this is the year. The Houston Astros have imploded and the Rangers are sitting comfortably on top of the AL West and that’s even with their ace, Jacob deGrom, shockingly being injured.

They’re going to need a true no. 1 pitcher and Ohtani could easily fill that role.

Two winters ago they brought in Corey Seager and Marcus Semien. This winter they brought in Bruce Bochy. The Texas Rangers are trying to win championships and Ohtani is the final piece to the puzzle.

5. Baltimore Orioles

After being mocked for trading away Manny Machado and giving Crush Davis one of the worst contracts ever signed, Baltimore has quietly lost 100 games a year, every year for the last half decade so they can build a Voltron of generic white dudes who quite literally ALL are above average hitters and future All-Stars. This team was built in a lab specifically for Shohei Ohtani to come and take them to the Promised Land.

4. Atlanta Braves

Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. Johnny Bench and Pete Rose. Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz. Ken Griffey Jr and Edgar Martinez.

Ronald Acuna Jr and Shohei Ohtani. We could be on the heels of a once-in-a-lifetime offensive duo hitting a bajillion home runs or being walked so they can immediately steal second base. Acuna and Ohtani could become Co-MVPs.

3. San Diego Padres

I love the San Diego Padres recent decision to spend all of the money on the best players. While team owners are pretending to be on food stamps and siphoning gas from other cars to make it to work, the Padres have a bunch of dollars and they’re using them to buy the most talented players available.

2. Cincinnati Reds

The Cincinnati Reds are easily the coolest team in all the land. Led by future superstars Elly De La Cruz and Matt McClain, the Reds are set to compete in the NL Central for the next decade and if they add Shohei Ohtani to their team, the division stops becoming a competition. The Reds will own the NL Central and everyone would be battling for second place. Plus, Joey Votto still bangs.

1. New York Yankees

Are you dumb? OF COURSE, the Yankees are number one on this list. Growing up, there wasn’t a star player that didn’t at least consider joining the evil empire. Even if they weren’t the biggest stars in the world, you’d blink and suddenly Bobby Abreu was just chasing down fly balls in right field.

It seems like the Yankees are no longer interested in the World Series. As long as people continue traveling to the Bronx to pay $21 for a shot of Budweiser and there’s a Yankees cap in every building you walk into, this team doesn’t give a shit about actual championships when their summer house renovations are still being paid for.

Shohei Ohtani belongs on the Yankees and the only way we can make it happen is by inviting Hal Steinbrenner onto a submarine tour of the Titanic.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.