I Need The Same Agent As Bonnie Blue

Perhaps this is an indictment on my own personal algorithms but OnlyFans model, Bonnie Blue, is consistently in the internet news cycle, in a way no other porn actress really has been in my lifetime.

Like, there are celebs with leaked sex tapes or strippers turned generic “my pussy so wet” rappers or whatever it is Adonis’s mom was doing for cash but for the most part, if you wanted porn star news you had to visit websites that would get you fired from work.

Everything I know about Bonnie Blue has been against my will—like this recent event where Bonnie Blue went to Cancun for Spring Break to bang co-eds.

Blue, who recently claimed to have slept with over 1,000 men in just 12 hours, has been spotted in Mexico partying with college students.

She recently told her social media followers she would be travelling to the popular resort to take ‘so many virginities’.

Blue has since she shared a series of snaps on Instagram of her posing with college students on the sun-kissed shores of Cancun. (Source)

People waiting to take pictures with Bonnie Blue! The trenches are getting to people 🤢 pic.twitter.com/9OrxoEsP1o

— Skint (@skintsworld) March 12, 2025

Thousands of people have sex for money.

None of them get as much frequent press as Bonnie Blue—who has had full, detailed stories written about them by legitimate news organizations like she’s a mayoral candidate.

I fully understand that sex sells and controversy drives clicks and all of the other gross capitalistic realities that have turned media into pig slop but Bonnie is not the only woman gleefully bragging about sleeping with a bunch of dudes at once.

Have you ever checked the comments of a viral tweet? OnlyFans models are in there begggingggggg to be seen.

Only Bonnie gets discussed.

We’re a few months away from this woman being a guest on Jimmy Kimmel or cast for the next season of Traitors. I’m already annoyed at the inevitable Alan Cumming puns from this siren.

I’m not super talented.

I write decent sentences from time to time.

I’d love nothing more than to work with Bonnie Blue’s agent or manager or whoever possesses the authority to keep this woman’s name on my timeline.

Whether she’s breaking records sleeping with over a thousand men or pregnancy rumors spread or she threatens to fly to Cancun to hump teenagers—Bonnie Blue will not go away.

And I’m not saying she has to.

Good for her, actually.

It looks like she enjoys what she does while simultaneously positioning herself to seamlessly pivot to hosting a Barstool Sports podcast that will be number one on the charts despite no one you know ever listening to it.

I simply hope that if anyone in her team is reading this, please reach out to me.

I, too, will take that New York Post feature about my odd life—but instead of it being about me having sex on camera for money, it’s about me, with my dog on my lap, writing jokes all day long. Not as sexy but I’m willing to have a temporary fake scandalous relationship with one of your other clients like Lily Phillips.

Call me.

If you enjoyed what you read, head over to our Substack. We’ve got more content making fun of the ridiculous world we live in, sent directly to your email inbox daily.

Follow us over on TikTok, Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.