Deadseriousness NBA Power Rankings: Kawhi is BACK and Chris Paul is a Sicko

We are BACK with another random NBA Power Rankings where we list the best teams, performances or whatever basketball-related thing I randomly stumble upon that deserves recognition or celebration.

Here are this week’s NBA Power Rankings:

9. Cleanthony Early

Cleanthony Early just set a Taiwan league record with 56 points for the TaiwanBeer HeroBears pic.twitter.com/G8QjrMVZbj

— New York Basketball (@NBA_NewYork) December 4, 2022

New York Knicks LEGEND, Cleanthony Early is out here dominating Taiwan and dropping 56 points on people’s noggins. Prior to being the Wilt Chamberlain of Taiwain, Cleanthony’s claim to fame was getting shot in the knee outside of a Queen’s strip club and ruining his NBA career.

Also, since I don’t know when I’m ever going to get to talk about Cleanthony Early again, can we quickly point out how awful it is to be a Knicks fan? Cleanthony Early, Ron Baker and Fred Vanvleet all played together in college at Witchita State. The Knicks drafted two of those guys. They’re both out of the league. The one they didn’t draft is an NBA All-Star with zero career points in Taiwan. #KnicksTape

8. Andrew Nembhard

I am desperately trying to avoid watching the Indiana Pacers play basketball and Andrew Nembhard has dedicated his season to making sure he appears on my timeline at least twice a week. This week, the Pacers beat the Golden State Warriors.

Here’s what Nembhard did in the victory:

31 points
13-for-21 shooting
5-for-7 from 3
13 assists
8 rebounds
+16

Andrew Nembhard is going off on the Warriors and Steph can’t believe it pic.twitter.com/202POmi0AM

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) December 6, 2022

Last week it was Bennedict Mathurin and now it’s Andrew Nembhard. The Pacers refuse to leave my line of sight. They are the unskippable Youtube ad.

7. Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant is quietly still one of the greatest basketball players on planet Earth but the reason he’s being recognized on these power rankings is because of one keyword in this sentence: quietly. For the first time in a long time, KD and the Nets are balling without challenging reporters or fighting on Twitter or posting links to Facebook Events for local Klan rallies hosted by Kyrie.

The Nets have won 5 of their last 6 games with the only loss being to the Celtics. Durant may never be praised again at a national level because he’s never going to be close to winning a championship again and his best friend is a Hitler stan.

6. Phoenix Suns team chemistry

A couple of years ago, two women who looked like what sex workers look like on sitcoms like they looked like two women Danny DeVito would be dating on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia—went on a podcast and claimed the Phoenix Suns roster all had turns with them.

Then the Suns went undefeated in the Bubble during Covid. It was the ultimate team-building exercise.

Well, this week Kanye West—another Hitler stan—casually dropped the news that he caught Chris Paul banging his wife once. That in context with Devin Booker dating Kendall Jenner and you understand how this team made the NBA Finals.

The Phoenix Suns are unstoppable when they have weird orgies together. I’m pretty sure that’s what made the Showtime Lakers so great.

5. Jamal Murray

Jamal Murray is having a strange inconsistent season after returning from a brutal ACL injury but that hasn’t negatively affected the Denver Nuggets too badly. The team is 15-10 and would have home-court advantage if the season were to end today.

This week, the Jamal Murray that dropped 50 points in the bubble finally revealed himself.

JAMAL MURRAY CALLED GAME pic.twitter.com/gy97R3qlif

— NBA (@NBA) December 9, 2022

If you go head-to-head with Dame Lillard in a clutch shot-off and you win then you deserve all the praise in the world.

4. New Orleans Pelicans

With the Phoenix Suns getting run out of the gym by the Boston Celtics this week, the Pelicans have taken over first place in the Western Conference. The Pelicans have won 7 of their last 8 games with their only loss being to the Memphis Grizzlies. It’s even more impressive when you remember that Brandon Ingram—the best player on the team—hasn’t played since November.

3. Bam Adebayo

I’ve been meaning to talk about the human bulldozer that is Bam Adebayo so fuck it, let’s get into it now. The Heat look terrible this season. Duncan Robinson is making $90 million to play once a week and miss every shot. Jimmy Butler spends more time icing his knees than playing in games.

Ok Bam Adebayo. pic.twitter.com/1S0K1hx4nf

— Steve Jones Jr. (@stevejones20) December 9, 2022

But Bam persists.

2. Kawhi

Kawhi Leonard returned to the Clippers this week and immediately splashed a game-winning jumper against the Charlotte Hornets.

El Game winner de Kawhi Leonard anoche frente a Charlotte Hornets 🔥🔥🔥🔥 pic.twitter.com/yYrmukiibs

— Pasion Basket (@PasionBasketNBA) December 6, 2022

Kawhi played 28 minutes, scored 16 points and beat the Hornets as if he hadn’t been limping for the past month. For Clippers fans, you have to feel good about Kawhi and Paul George coming back and looking just as good as they’ve always had.

The only way the Clippers can win this season is if Kawhi continues to be a sociopath solely focused on winning basketball games and literally nothing else.

1. Boston Celtics

It’s actually getting boring discussing the Boston Celtics. They are the best team in the NBA and blah blah but you have to acknowledge their greatness. Especially after blowing out the Phoenix Suns this week. Jayson Tatum is the MVP of the league. Jaylen Brown is the new Paul George.

But most importantly, Sam Hauser is unstoppable.