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Deadseriousness 2023 XFL Week 1 Preview

xfl week 1

The XFL is back this weekend. What a crazy sentence. This football league has been launched two times and failed two times already yet here we are all pretending to be optimistic about the idea of ‘year-round’ football despite the XFL proving time and time again that they are incapable of pulling this shit off.

But I’m a poor sports writer in an industry that’s sinking like the titanic so maybe creating some XFL content will help me scoop up some sickos who can’t go a week without a football game—regardless of the quality.

So let me pretend to be excited and let’s start with the first game of the weekend.

Vegas Vipers at Arlington Renegades

Saturday 3:30pm (ARL -3.0)

XFL starting off with a team in Las Vegas just off rip. We’re probably going to have a massive gambling scandal before the next decade ends but whatever. That’s a problem for another day. If any gambling company wants to cut me checks, I will gladly look the other way. I’m writing about the fucking XFL, man. Respectfully.

Anyway, shout out to the Vegas Vipers official roster page for only having player photos for like, 6 players on the roster. The Vipers couldn’t even get all of the guys in the facility on the same day and the same time for pictures. I cannot imagine what those practices are like. I’d imagine it’s difficult to get to the practice field when you can get one last quick Uber Eats run before you clock out of the side gig and head to your other side gig.

Brett Hundley is the QB throwing to Martavius Bryant which might be the best QB-WR duo in the XFL. Yuck. In 2015, Hundley was drafted by the Green Bay Packers as a potential heir to Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is one year removed from an MVP and Hundley is starting Week 1 for the Vegas Vipers.

Former All-Pro safety, Rod Woodson is the head coach of the Vipers. Interesting considering he hasn’t coached professional football since he was the cornerback’s coach for the Raiders. That was in 2017. It’s 2023.

The Arlington Renegades, however, will be led by the winningest head coach in Oklahoma Football history. Not to give away my prediction too soon but I’m going with the Hall of Fame coach over the guy who is not a Hall of Fame coach.

I think the Renegades starting QB will be Drew Plitt—a guy who played SIX YEARS in college and went undrafted in 2022. The Bengals picked him up for training camp and Plitt even played in a preseason game.

Here’s how he did in his NFL debut:

He was cut 11 days later. Now he’s a Renegade. Woof.

Okay, I tricked myself to be all in on the Arlington Renegades. Plitt hive stand up.

Random thing: Vic Beasley is on the Vipers. The man led the NFL in sacks in 2016 and now the 30-year old is in the XFL. I really hope The Rock is paying him in like, Warner Bros stock or something.

Winner: Arlington

 

 

Orlando Guardians at Houston Roughnecks

Saturday 8:30 (Hou -2.5)

First, how long does a football game typically last? Does the XFL think I’m going to watch the first game at 3:30 and then be willing to sit around for a couple hours before the second game starts?

The Orlando Guardians have the only quarterback that was a first round draft pick in the NFL, Paxton Lynch. Paxton Lynch played his final NFL game for the Denver Broncos against Patrick Mahomes. The Chiefs won thanks mostly to Paxton fumbling and the defense returning it for a touchdown. Lynch would never play in the NFL again and Mahomes just won a Super Bowl MVP. Yike.

Also, so far there are already two teams from Texas and zero teams from the north east. We know who this league is for. They will be storming the capital in Roughnecks jerseys. Nasty.

Houston is coached by the late great Wade Phillips who I was convinced had died in 2020 but apparently is alive and healthy enough to stand on the sidelines and watch *Googles* Cole McDonald play quarterback.

That’s a video of McDonald throwing in college because although he was drafted by the Tennesee Titans in the 7th round, he didn’t get a chance to actually play in the NFL.

I hate to do the coaching thing again but until I see any of these teams play, I’m going to go with the experienced head coach. But I also thought Wade Phillips was dead so I’m conflicted.

Random note: Guardians head coach, Terrell Buckley, might’ve invented the Lambeau Leap. Reallyyy squeezing all the juice from the “random” there.

Winner: Houston Roughnecks

 

St. Louis BattleHawks at San Antonio Brahmas

Sunday 3:00 pm (STL -2.0)

The return of AJ McCarron for the St. Louis Battlehawks. The original Mac Jones. Nick Saban’s dream QB: a mediocre white guy who reads books for fun and can hand the ball off to the far more talented running back behind him. McCarron’s biggest claim to fame is when Brent Musburger forgot he was live on air and gave a soliloquy on how badly he wanted to bang AJ’s wife.

Horny levels unmatched.

The San Antonio Brahmas are coached by Pittsburgh Steelers legend, Hines Ward. Hopefully he’ succeeds so he can get a coaching gig in the NFL where the games matter and doesn’t have to coach guys who weren’t good enough for the Canadian Football League.

Quick shout out to my dude Jack Coan who grew up in the next town over so I already know he’s going to be all over the local news as we all pretend to care about the Brahmas.

Unfortunately, Jack Coan will never have a bigger football moment then he did in Notre Dame when he popped his dislocated finger back into place and then immediately threw a touchdown dime.

Random note: One of the first football jerseys I ever bought was Anthony Becht’s when he was a New York Jet. I thought he was the best tight end in the world circa 2002.  That man would tear an ACL if he tried to outrun Travis Kelce in a 40-yard dash in both their primes. Becht is the head coach for St. Louis. I should’ve led with that fact.

Winner: San Antonio Brahmas. Go Texas.

 

Seattle Sea Dragons at D.C. Defenders

Sunday 8:00 pm 

I wish I didn’t write this article but here we are. At the finish line. The final game of the weekend. The Seattle Sea Dragons vs. the DC Defenders. I’d assume the Sea Dragons have the last game of XFL Week 1 because they have Josh Gordon—who was the best wide receiver in the NFL before he was smoking under bridges with all of his possessions in a stolen shopping cart and shit.

It’s crazy that Aaron Rodgers can announce that he’s going into a cave to smoke crack and clear his mind but Josh Gordon is the one who has to play in the NFL.

The DC Defenders have running back Abram Smith who was the no. 1 overall pick of the 2023 XFL Draft. Apparently, the XFL has a draft (?). Man, is anyone even still reading this?

I hope everyone gets paid in full and no one suffers a life-altering injury. Maybe this game will be good. Maybe not. Who cares?

 

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Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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