Deadseriousness 2023 NFL Awards

The 2023 season is over. I don’t know if it’s because the New York Giants sucked or if truly the whole league dropped in quality but this season was mid as hell. Eh nonetheless, we must hand out trophies to those who earned them.

Here are your Deadseriousness 2023 NFL Awards:

The Truth Teller Award: Aaron Rodgers

Where would we be as a society if we didn’t have the weekly wisdom of Aaron Rodgers zooming into the Pat McAfee show to educate us on science, medicine and politics while AJ Hawk shakes his head and pretends like he’s not watching a separate TV hanging up above his camera.

The Al-Qaida Award of Excellence: Sean McDermott

NFL writer, Tyler Dunne, released a detailed report on how the Buffalo Bills are running their little operation up by Niagra Falls. In his story, he detailed a time when Bills head coach, Sean McDermott, attempted to motivate his ball club by suggesting they need to come together for a common goal and execute the mission like the 9/11 plane hijackers.

That story dropped during their bye week. The Bills finished the season on a 5-game winning streak after. Those guys really came together. Ya know, like Al-Qaeda.

The Mama Mia Pizza Spaghetti Gabagool Award: Tommy DeVito

In Week 9, New York Giants quarterback, Daniel Jones, tore his ACL against the Las Vegas Raiders. The season was supposed to be over. They were 2-6 and it looked like it was time to tank for Caleb Williams out of USC.

But in Jones’s absence, a star was born.

Isaiah Hodgins touchdown from Tommy Devito!!!!! pic.twitter.com/HhQOrbshUG

— Bobby Skinner (@BobbySkinner_) December 12, 2023

The undrafted rookie from New Jersey went on a 3-game winning streak and was a hero to the local Italians. What a wonderful 25th-anniversary celebration for The Sopranos.

The Marlboro Man of the Year: Joe Flacco

38-year-old Joe Flacco was at home chain smoking bogies, enjoying his (forced) retirement when the Marlboro symbol lit up in the sky and he knew another NFL team needed him to save their season. Joe Flacco went from chillin’ in the crib to going 5-1 in his 6 starts as the Browns starting quarterback.

The Uh, Is Anyone Checking In On This Guy?…” Award: Chandler Jones

Chandler Jones is a 2-time All-Pro pass rusher. He’s a Super Bowl champion. And after starting the season on the Las Vegas Raiders, the 33-year-old appears to have completely lost his shit and will never play in the NFL again.

Every couple of weeks, Jones will post a video of himself looking like he’s been living under a bridge, as he rattles off these crazy accusations against random former coaches and front office execs.

It’s insane watching someone lose their mind in real-time. Love watching a sport where normal, healthy men hit their heads over and over again until they become violent, paranoid schizophrenics and we all pretend it’s cool and fine and regular.

The Biggest Fucking Loser in the League Award: Deshaun Watson

This award will be given to Deshaun Watson every year he continues to collect NFL paychecks.

The QB Whisperer Award: Dave Canales

Baker Mayfield’s NFL career was hanging on by a thread before he linked up with Dave Canales in Tampa Bay and now he’s suddenly a Top 10 QB leading the Buccaneers to the playoffs. Geno Smith’s NFL career was hanging on by a thread until Dave Canales turned him into a Top 10 QB last season.

The Worst Player of the Year: Kadarius Toney

Scheduled Kadarius Toney drop that turns into an INT
pic.twitter.com/Sst30Sl1Ok

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) December 17, 2023

Oh brother, this guy STINKS.

The Dumbest Storyline: Fake Chargers fan

This was a brief moment in the middle of the season where people who hated seeing Taylor Swift showing up at Kansas City Chiefs games realized they were not going to win an internet fight against Swifties so they elected to transfer their hate over to this random Chargers fan who was shown a few times during the game.

No further analysis of why the NFL would hire a plant to show at a random ass Chargers game. Just a new reason to hate women openly. And don’t tell me the NFL showed this woman to get more female viewers. No woman was walking past a TV, saw this woman and said to themselves “Wow, I had no idea other women like football until right now. I am now a diehard fan ordering my season tickets asap”

The You Just Found Out Derek Carr Sucks Award: New Orleans Saints

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints. You just found out Derek Carr sucks. Enjoy paying him $60 million over the next two years for anywhere between 6-9 wins. Totally worth it.

This was a BAD interception by Derek Carr

Thrown into triple coverage…pic.twitter.com/LLZchS10vg

— JPAFootball (@jasrifootball) September 19, 2023

Suckers.

Worst Owner of the Year: David Tepper

You never want the owner of the team being involved in personnel decisions. It’s very clear why the Panthers stink this season. The now-fired head coach, Frank Reich, wanted to draft QB CJ Stroud but was outvoted by the GM and Owner and while Stroud became a superstar in Houston, QB Bryce Young looked like he was out there playing with a medicine ball.

And David Tepper’s frustration came out at the end of the season when he was caught throwing a drink at a Jaguars fan.

So to recap: Tepper demanded the team select a terrible QB in the draft. Fired the coach who absolutely hit him with an “I told you so” and then attacked a fan.

MVP: Lamar Jackson

Shout out to everyone who thinks Brock Purdy should be the MVP despite him being like, the 9th most important player on the 49ers but Lamar Jackson is the best football player in the world right now and no one can tell me otherwise.

Coach of the Year: Matt LaFleur

The truth-teller, Aaron Rodgers made us all believe the Packers weren’t good enough to compete at a high level and then Jordan Love walked into the starting position and Green Bay looks like one of the best offenses in the NFL.

Matt LaFleur has this team humming at a higher level than they were when they had a Hall of Famer as QB1.