Dave Canales is a Freaky Frog

The Carolina Panthers have found their new head coach. Last week, they hired the Tampa Bay Buccaneers offensive coordinator, Dave Canales. The Panthers desperately need a coach capable of squeezing any ounce of talent from their No. 1 overall picked QB, Bryce Young.

Bryce Young was supposed to turn this franchise around. He won 2 games. Bryce finished 31% in completion percentage and second in sacks. Every time he snapped the ball, he was surrounded by linebackers twice his size trying to go viral for making the rookie QB quit mid-game.

However, Canales has a history of taking failed top QB prospects and building some sharp-looking offenses around their skillsets.

Who is Dave Canales?

As the OC in Tampa, Canales helped rehab another former no. 1 overall pick. Baker Mayfield just had the best season of his career. Here’s what Baker did this year:

• 4,044 passing yards (career high)
• 28 touchdowns (career high)
• 64% completion percentage (career high)
• 94.6 passer rating (career high)

And he made the Pro Bowl too—if that’s something you care about.

You get the point.

Dave Canales saved Baker’s career.

The year prior, the Panthers benched him for PJ Walker—who I’m fairly certain has no idea how to throw a football.

Baker was then traded to Los Angeles to rot behind Matty Stafford and work on his LinkedIn profile. Maybe get into some Hollywood circles and move into the world of film. Any profession outside of football was in the air for Mayfield.

Not only did Canales make Baker look like he belongs in the league—the duo went to the playoffs and knocked off the defending NFC champions in the first round with Baker throwing for 337 yards and 3 touchdowns.

Go Eagles, Go.

Baked Mayfield’s best plays from the victory over the Eagles. I will forever struggle to understand Cleveland’s willingness to so quickly move on from Baker. Doubted so many times along the way, he belongs in the league as a franchise Quarterback. pic.twitter.com/MfhKsukyJ6

— Max McDulin (@maxmcdulin) January 16, 2024

Prior to his one year in Tampa, Dave Canales ran the quarterback room in Seattle and was instrumental in the Geno Smith renaissance.

Geno Smith was one of the most hated men in New York for failing with the Jets and ending Eli Manning’s consecutive starts streak. Geno was a laughing stock. His name was a punchline and that might be a pun because one of his Jets teammates literally punched him in the face once.

And then he teamed up with Canales and finished in the Top 10 in 2022 MVP votes. The title of quarterback whisperer gets thrown around a lot, and often given to guys who have no idea what they’re doing. I will never forget Adam Gase scamming the Jets by presenting himself as this offensive genius because he was the offensive coordinator when Peyton Manning broke passing records in 2013 with the Denver Broncos. Mind you, Peyton Manning had already won 4 MVPs in his house before he even met Gase.

But Dave Canales truly has shown he understands the position in a way no one else in the league does.

Bryce Young might be right back on track next season.

The only problem the Carolina Panthers might face is a problem the Jacksonville Jaguars recently faced with Urban Meyer. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it forever: You can’t win games in the NFL when your head coach is horny.

Dave Canales and his wife co-wrote a book about how their faith saved their marriage.

Apparently, Canales was an alcoholic, porn addict who cheated on his wife. Personally, I prefer to know as little about my head coach’s private life as possible. I certainly don’t want them co-authoring books with their wives about how frequently they beat their meat.

“A huge part in the severed intimacy that I was experiencing with Lizzy was because I was addicted to pornography. It was like a gateway drug for me, creating pathways in my brain that allowed me to use sex coldly for my own benefit. It was a secret, silent struggle that I had years before I was married.”

There’s nothing necessarily wrong with sharing these details, I guess. I reckon sharing his story helps others who are dealing with the same afflictions. Drunk beaters now know they can change their ways and coach the Carolina Panthers if they put the bottle down and get out of the xHamster comment section.

It seems like massive oversharing and I have no desire to do so but I suppose there’s inherently nothing wrong with it. He’s changing the world for the better.

Maybe Canales can tell this story when his career is over instead of right now. It feels like he (and his wife) are more focused on becoming influencers as opposed to a Super Bowl-winning head coach.

I know zero things about Bill Billechick’s sex life. No idea if Andy Reid even drinks alcohol. I know they are obsessed with football and look at that, their obsession led to remarkable levels of success.

You know whose sex life I know about? Rex Ryan. I’ve seen the foot fetish video. Rex Ryan led zero (0) teams to the Super Bowl.

Dave Canales has found success as a coordinator while sneaking Julie Cash videos in at halftime but being a head coach is a different level of responsibility. I will never forget Urban Meyer losing a game in Cincinnati and waiting for his team to fly back to Jacksonville so he could stay in Ohio and hook up with local blondes who vaguely knew him from coaching at Ohio State.

The Jaguars won 3 games that year.

Just keep this in mind when the Panthers aren’t good next season.

You know what’s never great for an addict? The pressures of being an NFL head coach. That level of pressure might make a man relapse and start drinking and humping again. Instead of combing through game film, Canales is drunk scrolling through XVideos.

Another L for Panthers owner, David Tepper, who was responsible for the team picking Bryce Young over CJ Stroud, firing Frank Reich because he couldn’t succeed with Tepper’s tiny QB, throwing a drink at a Jaguars fan and now hiring the guy who, as you read this, is sending tokens to all the OnlyFans girls he subscribes to.