thelesterlee
I am a diehard New York Giants fan and I feel like I have no real relationship with the star tight end of the team, Darren Waller. In 1 season with the team, he played 12 meaningless games and caught 52 forgettable passes from any combination of Daniel Jones, Tyrod Taylor and Tommy DeVito as the team lost week after week without Waller making much of an impact.
After a full year of radio silence in one of the loudest media markets in the country, Waller suddenly became a main character of the offseason, flirting with retirement every other day while dealing with a public divorce from WNBA All-Star guard from reigning champion Aces, Kelsey Plum.
With voluntary workouts starting, Darren Waller believed now was a great time to drop his new single, ‘Who Knew (Her Perspective)” to give the fellas a new record to throw onto the locker room pre-practice playlist.
You have to respect Waller for revolutionizing his own unique sound, different from anything human ears have ever experienced before. It’s like music but from a mirror universe without sound where music is described to a young boy who dreams of creating it one day so he invents a machine allowing him to transport himself into our dimension but he misunderstands how songs are made and believes music is made via AI computer programs so he types in ‘summer breakup banger’ and this bullshit manifests itself as an mp3 file in his PC’s downloads folder.
From the first second you hear Waller’s voice, you can instantly tell it was his first time singing out loud but then you look down and realize there are still 2 and a half minutes left of this CGI video game villain-looking, sociopath crooning about his divorce.
Darren Waller looks like the bad guy in the net Fast and Furious movie shoved the entire cast’s DNA into one poor egg to create the super lightskin weapon against Dom Toretto and his family.
Shout out to the actress hired to play his ex-wife. She looks just as enthused to be with Darren as I imagine Kelsey Plum was. Darren Waller looks like he struggles to finish sentences and gets pissed at you for trying to finish them for him. He doesn’t need your help.
I was afraid the Giants would have an ever worse 2024 than they did in 2023 and this all but confirms my suspicions. Darren Waller is one of the most talented players on the roster and he’s more likely to stretch the utility of autotune than stretch the opposing secondary down the field.
We are cooked.
Glad Kelsey got free of whatever the fuck this is.
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Did you also just learn how corny this dude is? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. Let me know if you thought Darren Waller was cool before today.
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