Amanda Seyfried Auditioning For Snow White Would’ve Saved America

You are not allowed entry into this country without being asked your opinion on Disney’s new Snow White remake.

Every job interview starts and ends with you checking a box, yes or no, whether or not you believe Disney has gone too woke.

I left my house to get the mail this morning and a gunman put the barrel to my skull, demanding my thoughts on Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot.

I told him I believed Gal Gadot was the most talented actress of her generation and when we were done laughing, he allowed me to continue my day in peace—driving off in a truck covered in Blue Lives Matter stickers and the Punisher Logo. V cool.

This movie about a pale girl singing to woodland critters with her 7 little roommates is the most controversial movie since that shitty Seth Rogan movie about Kim Jong Un.

Snow White 2025 has separated this country beyond repair—offending grown-ass men who were never planning on ever seeing this children’s movie anyway—forcing them to post random clips of Rachel Zegler singing, quite well, and pretending as if she’s Rosanne Barr screeching Take Me Out To The Ball Game—which they’d ironically love because her pills made her MAGA.

If I had a time machine, I’d have the perfect solution to all our problems.

this scene from the dropout on hulu just won amanda seyfried a #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/Ug7OWEoCMk

— eliza (@eliza__jane) January 11, 2023

This weirdo.

Last week, Amanda Seyfried went on a podcast revealing she auditioned alongside Cynthia Erivo to star as Glinda—her dream role—in Wicked.

I just rewatched both Jennifer’s Body and Wicked recently. They made the correct decision casting Arianna Grande, believe it or not.

I can’t help but imagine how different the world would be if instead of wanting to be in Wicked—a movie full of talented performers with a clear vision and direction and seriousness—Amanda Seyfriend wanted to be in Snow White—a movie co-starring Gal Gadot, that looks like the original footage was lost but they found a copy on the iPhone of a random caterer who was recording the movie secretly from the back of the room.

Would these engagement desperate, faux-media personalities with self-inflated senses of importance, spend any of their time and energy hyperventilating about Disney’s 1000th poorly-made Snow White remake if the movie starred Amanda Seyfriend and Gal Gadot?

Rachel Zegler posted “Fuck Donald Trump” and now we have to watch adult(ish) dorks act like those anti-vaxxers who recorded themselves having make-believe seizures after being “forced” to get the Covid-19 vaccine—but instead of freaking out about medicine meant to save their lives and the lives of others around them—they are seizing at the idea that someone who doesn’t love Donald Trump dare exist.

If Amanda Seyfried was Snow White, it would be radio silent.

Obviously, Gal Gadot cannot stop herself from stepping on rakes—reminding everyone, every chance she gets—that she loves Israel’s work in Gaza.

Put a microphone in her face and she’ll tell you which part of the strip she and her family have reserved once they hose off all the innocent blood from the premises.

But none of the anti-woke bottom feeders—who cannot stop repeating “America first” through anxiety-ridden podcasts, shivering in fear that America is spending too much money in Ukraine—seem to care about America’s involvement in Israel.

So yea, Snow White would bomb silently, like most Gal Gadot endeavors—including her former work with the IDF.

Damn you, Amanda.

If you weren’t so ambitious, you could have saved us from this prison.

Now the gas attendant filling my car won’t put the nuzzle in unless I tell him my thoughts on Snow White.

Life is hell right now and it’s allllll because Amanda Seyfried thought she could hit high notes.

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