Let's Wildly Speculate Why Chicago Bears Coach, Alan Williams, Had His Home Raided

Alan Williams has been a football coach since 1992.

He was the defensive backs coach for the 2006 Indianapolis Colts who won the Super Bowl that season and was crucial in making guys like Bob Sanders, Antoine Bethea and Marlin Jackson into key defensive studs for that team.

He was the defensive coordinator for the Chicago Bears this season.

Oh, and he’ll never coach again after randomly resigning this week following WILD rumors about his house being raided by the FBI.

Here’s what Alan Williams said in his resignation:

“I am taking a step back to take care of my health and family. I appreciate the opportunity to work with the Chicago Bears, a storied NFL franchise with a rich history. I value the NFL shield and all that it stands for and after taking some time to address my health, I plan to come back and coach again.”

Aw, that’s very nice.

Alan Williams simply wants to spend more time with his loved ones and get his health right. And, uh, it has to happen right now at the beginning of the NFL season only a few days after he mysteriously didn’t travel with the team to Tampa Bay for “personal reasons”.

Ok.

But here’s Pat McAfee telling us he heard some of the rumors about why Alan Williams is gone and confirmed a major one—that man’s house was raided:

Pat McAfee claims the FBI DID raid Alan Williams house. pic.twitter.com/Yn5jGilZjR

— Harrison Graham (@HGrahamNFL) September 21, 2023

“Our sources told us that an FBI raid did occur on Alan Williams’ house,” is what he specifically said about Williams for those who don’t want to sit through a 5-minute clip of Pat McAfee being the annoying high school kid who thinks 5th-period social studies is his own little Comedy Central Presents.

Since journalism is dead and no one is actually digging into this story to find out the real reason why Alan Williams had his home raided by the FBI, let’s just wildly speculate on what we think was going down in this man’s crib that is so bad everyone is tip-toeing around it and pretending as if this man suddenly wanted to be with his family in the middle of a work day.

Okay, so I think the first thing coming to most people’s minds is child porn.

It was certainly my first thought when I saw the name “Alan Williams’.

Until I saw a photo of the guy and had a sign of relief. Hard drives full of child porn isn’t really our thing. I get the feeling Alan Williams doesn’t even have a computer at home.

Actually, I think we can cut out a lot of the weird white people shit.

Alan Williams was not in his basement making bombs. The FBI did not kick in the doors of a potential terrorist. This 53-year-old brother wasn’t trying to join ISIS.

Sadly, I don’t think my guy was running up stonks with some insider trading.

He’s been an assistant coach for decades. I don’t even think he’s earned enough money to be in the same rooms as the people who are running the stock market. Alan Williams will not be sharing a cell with Martha Stewart any time soon.

So, unfortunately, that leaves drugs or weapons.

Here’s a fun fact: Alan Williams went to college with Mike Tomlin and Sean McDermott at William & Mary back in the day.

Prior to this season, Williams had only been a defensive coordinator briefly with the Vikings a decade ago. Again, he was an assistant his entire career.

Why didn’t his boys ever give him a look as the DC in Pittsburgh or Buffalo? I mean shit, Buffalo CURRENTLY doesn’t even have a fucking defensive coordinator.

And sure, just because they played together as teenagers doesn’t mean they remain friends today but what if Alan Williams was only a defensive coordinator once because like, he’s a strange guy to be around?

You know the type of strange I mean. The strange where you ask someone else who knows him in your most serious, concerned voice ever “Is that man on drugs?”

Alan Williams must’ve been on the GOOD shit too. Good enough for the FBI to raid his house.

He’s not in prison right now so I imagine he’s not in charge or distributing any of these narcotics but if it still warranted an FBI visit then my dude must’ve been the plug’s number one customer. Signed up for the dealer’s newsletter and everything. Late-night phone calls when he was on the road with the team. “I miss you” texts once a week.

It would also explain why Williams mentioned wanting to focus on his health. The types of drugs that the FBI cares about aren’t the ones that are super great for your long-term health.

As far as the Chicago Bears go—lol.

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