With Aaron Rodgers Gone, Let's Rank Potential Jets Quarterback Replacements

Aaron Rodgers played about 4 minutes of football for the New York Jets before his achilles exploded and his season came to an end.

You’d think all those hours he spent getting high in a dark cave would’ve prevented this tragedy but nope, he will be walking with crutches for the remainder of 2023.

It’s never funny to laugh at someone being injured but since Rodgers has spent the last few years as an anti-vaxxer who believes the conspiracy theories created by special needs, clout chasing attention-thirsty dorks, he deserved this.

Rodgers can now self-medicate and treat his own body without modern medicine.

Somewhere in the world, Aaron is tripping off acid while rubbing horse piss on his ankle and listening to the Joe Rogan podcast.

We may never see him play football again. Lol.

But the New York Jets still have to finish their season. They put together a stacked roster for the former MVP and future Ben Shapiro co-host. They aren’t just punting on the year.

So let’s look at the potential quarterback replacements for Danica Patrick’s ex:

The Life Alert boys

Philip Rivers: The man lives in a Disney comedy where he wakes up one morning and suddenly has to raise 20 children. I imagine he is always waiting by the phone for a quick break from his Cheaper By The Dozen ass life.

Matt Ryan:

this is an all-timer pic.twitter.com/T8smDUJQTr

— sports announcers with no context (@nocontxtanncr) September 11, 2023

I don’t think Matt Ryan wants to deal with a full season of 28-3 jokes from his co-workers.

Nick Foles: The perfect way to describe Nick Foles is his 29-29 win-loss record. He’s a walking Mendoza line.

Ben Roethlisberger: December 28th. Jets vs. Browns. The sexual predator bowl is going to be a movie.

Tom Brady: I don’t even want to talk about Tom Brady.

Every time I see him, he looks more and more divorced. His girlfriend has a boyfriend. His ex-wife is living her best life. Tom Brady hasn’t had a good night’s rest in years. Pray for Thomas.

Nonstop comedy

Jameis Winston: Last time Jameis Winston was a full-time starter, he led the league with 5,109 passing yards. He also led the league with 30 interceptions. Last season, Dak Prescott led the NFL with 15 interceptions. Winston doubled that. We have never seen a more prolific turnover machine.

Carson Wentz: Jon Gruden was training with Wentz this offseason preparing him for this very moment.

Getting that old thing back

Mark Sanchez: The Jets went to the AFC Championship game back-to-back years with Mark Sanchez. It feels like Sanchez has been retired for a decade now but he’s still 4 years younger than Aaron Rodgers.

Sam Darnold: Sure, last time Darnold was in a Jets jersey he was ‘seeing ghosts’ but his head coach was Adam Gase which is the equivalent of dangling from a cliff with one hand holding on for dear life with someone tickling your armpits.

Most annoying outcome

Colin Kaepernick: There’s a report today saying Kaepernick’s agent reached out to the Jets. Enough.

Kaepernick doesn’t want to be an NFL quarterback. He wants his name to trend every 6 months. He’s a troll. I respect the hustle, of course, but if New York actually signed him, all hell would break loose.

I’d have to shut down my internet for a few months while the worst people on Earth pretend to boycott while another section of people lie about how Kap is capable of winning a Super Bowl despite not having thrown an NFL pass since Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook were playing together in Oklahoma City.

It’s over.

1-16

Zach Wilson: Coming out of college there were clips of Zach Wilson making these remarkable, on-the-run Patrick Mahomes-esque passes.

It turns out he can only do that for TikTok and in actual games, he’s more likely to throw a ball directly into an opposing safety’s chest.

Last season, he lost the locker room. He probably shouldn’t even still be on this roster. The Jets are about to get the no. 1 draft pick with Zach Wilson out there.

Me: If the Jets are letting Zach Wilson run out there then I might as well get a few snaps. No one cares about winning games? I can hand off to Breece Hall.

Sure, I’d break an NFL record for single-season fumbles but who cares? I’m also way cheaper. I can throw interceptions for 6 figures. I can name a lot of things I’ll do for six figures.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter sent directly to your inbox every AM.