It's Just So Funny When The Boston Celtics Lose

On Monday night, the Boston Celtics season officially came to an end after a hilarious 84-103 L to the Miami Heat in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference. After going down 0-3, this team fought like hell to not only avoid a sweep but push the Heat to 7 games only to get crushed at home in one of the most embarrassing losses in NBA history.

It is so easy to root against this franchise. It feels impossible to consume any NBA content without there being at least one geek from New England with wildly biased takes on the Celtics.

How many times have you heard someone say that Boston has the most talented roster on paper and had to stop and question what in the fuck they’re talking about? Yes, the Celtics have a good roster of course but they were never any more or less talented than teams like Milwaukee, Denver or Phoenix. But it was said so confidently all year like it was an irrefutable fact.

This is euphoria.

Bill Simmons is one of the biggest voices in the NBA who is constantly forcing the Boston Celtics into every single conversation because his rich dad took him to see Larry Bird play when he was a child and it did terminal damage to his brain.

I will never forgive Bill Simmons for spending the entire 2018-19 season telling us Kevin Durant was signing with the New York Knicks in free agency with conviction only to mock Knicks fans that summer when Durant signed with the Nets as if Simmons himself wasn’t directly responsible for Knicks fans’ expectations. Just a real asshole.

The face of Barstool Sports is covered in tears. Dave Portnoy is a sexual predator who also happens to be an annoying Celtics fan. These are the faces of Boston sports fans. Borderline racists who talk your ear off about how great their favorite team is and immediately acting like the team is full of talentless bums who should all be cut and forced to work at the local outlet mall.

But the joy of witnessing a Celtics L isn’t limited to the tears of their fans. This Celtics team loses in the most hilarious ways. Their offense is so dependent on making 3’s that you can feel the anxiety accelerate their heart rates when their shots aren’t going in early in the game. They have no second move. It’s spray and pray.

Jayson Tatum and Jaylen Brown should be the best 1-2 combo in the NBA. Defensively, they have the size, strength and speed to stop every team’s best scorers. This season, Tatum averaged 30.1 points and Brown averaged 26.6 points. These two should be unstoppable juggernauts out there but instead, they forget how to dribble when the games matter most.

Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals and Jaylen Brown scored 19 points on 8-for-23 shooting, 1-for-9 from 3 and 8 turnovers.

Watched all 8 Jaylen Brown turnovers…

4 were poked away by Heat defenders
1 he lost his handle on
2 were offensive fouls
1 was a bad pass

Here’s the turnovers where he got it poked away/lost his handle 😔 pic.twitter.com/zXQ3RKOLvY

— FTB VIDS (@anotherFTBacct) May 30, 2023

Meanwhile, Tatum scored only 14 points and spent most of the game screaming at referees. We are dealing with very unserious people. Actually, this entire team is obsessed with manipulating the rules and the refs. Marcus Smart won Defensive Player of the Year based solely on his ability to trick the refs into believing he is constantly being fouled by the player he’s defending. The NBA is considering giving out technical fouls for flopping next season. Smart is about to break the record for most techs in a single season.

The Miami Heat may have eliminated the Celtics but we all won. We defeated a team whose fans are regularly accused of being racist. We defeated an organization that covered up a scandal involving their head coach banging an employee. To this day, we still have no idea what happened with Ime Udoka and that’s a failure of the Celtics as well as the aforementioned media being in Boston’s back pocket.

I have no idea who is going to win the NBA Finals but I do know the Celtics are losers and I cannot stop smiling. Get Al Horford the fuuuuuuuuck off my TV.

Thanks for reading. Go ahead and sign up for the D, the daily Deadseriousness newsletter and don’t miss out on exclusive new content.