A decision was made: Cleveland Browns head coach Todd Monken announced Monday afternoon, Deshaun Watson will start Week 1—telling the world they are not interested in winning football games this season and will try again next time.
Coming off a putrid preseason underperformance, 5-for-12 with 36 yards and an INT to a DT—handing out Xbox achievements to opponents, then picking a fight with the fans post-game—the Cleveland Browns are naming the physically, mentally, emotionally and morally shattered QB their Week 1 starter.
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Todd Monken is setting his QB up to fail, this announcement coming 24 hours after Deshaun said it was on sight with Browns fans. Every game, Deshaun walks into a hostile environment. Arriving in 2022 with only 19 GAMES PLAYED IN 4 YEARS, NOW A FIFTH YEAR OF THIS SHIT.
They’re going to be throwing rocks through his windows like Martin Luther King Jr.’s hotel the night before a big speech.
Why is Deshaun Watson the starting quarterback?
1. Tanking
With a wave of exciting, shiny, new starting QBs coming into next year’s draft, Cleveland owning extra picks thanks to their Myles Garrett sale to Los Angeles, the Browns are auto-simming this season. The players on the field still lowering their life expectancy on each play, colliding over and over, Don Draper voice: “That’s what the money is for”, I reckon.
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2. Testing Shedeur
Shedeur Sanders has a lot of Jameis Winston in him. Not the creepy stuff. But the unserious attitude that makes him a liability when the games matter and we’re done cracking jokes, and it’s time to win. Sheduer will play this season. Deshaun can’t make it through a season without a happy ending. I’ll write 1,000 words praising Deshaun Watson if he makes it through Game 1 without limping to the locker room with a towel over his head, fans throwing drinks like Hogan just joined the NWO. But first Sheuder must see how the fanbase will treat him if he doesn’t ball out. He’s the gladiator watching the gladiator before him swallowed by a lion.
3. Israel
Only kind of kidding. When you realize how much money foreign nations spend to just fill American culture with dogshit, it makes sense for Israel to have a hand in the Deshaun Watson decision. They will continue obliterating innocent people for sport, we’ll watch Deshaun Watson go 3 and out over and over, for pain.
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