As conservatives stap each other in the back—Game of Thrones style—for an opportunity to fill Charlie Kirk’s blood-soaked podcast chair—late-night TV has a new hole in their programming just waiting to be filled by a bootlicker.
Jimmy Kimmel was “indefinitely suspended” after mentioning Charlie Kirk’s name.
See, it has become illegal to speak about him unless you are pretending he was our generation’s Mahatma Gandhi. (He was not.)
But the Trump administration threatened to pull ABC’s entire channel off the air, so Kimmel is gone.
It happens.
We’re here now.
This is America—our favorite third-world nation.
Anyway, here are 5 hosts who should replace Jimmy Kimmel:
1. Stephen A. Smith
Stephen A. Smith has built an empire through corny, uneducated rants—for overnight laborers—who are home at noon to watch his show—and a room full of timid execs terrified of taking risks and trying something new—thus enabling Stephen A. to become the highest paid employee even though—if you really listen to him—he doesn’t even seem to take the time to watch any of the games he passionately opines over.
Disney owns both ESPN and ABC.
It’s the only promotion left for a man who walks into the office every morning—smelling like alcohol and sex workers from the previous night and asks, “How high today, boys?”—before the execs even tell him to jump.
ESPN exists to air live games with some cheap, low-quality pre-game, halftime and post-game shows.
All other programming will become obsolete in the near future.
Shannon Sharpe and Molly Qerim left First Take.
It’s over for First Take.
Let him host his own little late-night show.
A lot of those overnight jobs have TVs in the break room.
His audience is already right there waiting for him—right by the microwave from 2002.
It’s either this or he runs for president—and if you think the Trump administration is failing to help working-class Americans, I promise you Stephen A. Smith will bring back slavery as long as he gets to run his own plantation.
2. Joe Rogan
I don’t know if Joe Rogan still has the biggest podcast in the game.
I’ve personally never in my life met anyone who is a fan of his—but according to the internet, the former host of Fear Factor is one of the most influential humans on Earth.
Where would we be without those timeless interviews where failed and disgraced “intellectuals” spend 3-4 hours lying about stuff they made up to sound more interesting—while Joe Rogan validates all of their bullshit with “yeah, I think I read that somewhere too”?
If America has decided to go full stupid, then let’s give the people what they want.
Every night on ABC, Joe Rogan can do the laziest stand-up set about how “Woke” is ruining everything to the thunderous laughter of Jan Sixers—spilling their schizophrenia medication everywhere—before he sits down with a scientist who claims he can turn water into gold—but you have to purchase his $3,000 e-book/course to find out how.
We deserve this.
3. Erika Kirk
Look, no one is getting more PR hype than the podcast widow.
Here she is walking into her super dead husband’s funeral with Wrestlemania pyro going off like she’s about to win the World Heavyweight Championship from Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Erika Kirk has taken the stage.
— Spencer Hakimian (@SpencerHakimian) September 21, 2025
Erika Kirk may have lost her husband—who spent his weekends harassing teenagers at random colleges—but she is poised for a social and political upgrade.
They are about to turn this woman into the most annoying coworker you’ve ever worked with—ya know, the one who throws her recently used tampons right out in the open trash bin next to the fridge everyone frequents.
I wanted to briefly say, in earnest—I have no idea if Erika even wants all this.
An entire movement is being placed on the shoulders of a woman who witnessed her husband’s brutal murder at his dumb job that I bet she didn’t even like.
That’s not to say she has different political views from him. I’m sure she’s equally racist.
But she’d probably roll her eyes when she was out with friends and they’d be like “where’s Charlie this weekend” and she has to be like “ugh, he went to Boise State to yell at teenagers again…”
Anyway, enjoy the Erika Kirk show sponsored by Ivermectin and Trump coin.
4. Laura Loomer
We’ve already established this woman is willing to eat dog food for money.
No one in the FCC should feel worried about what Laura will say on air. If you give this woman a check, she will go above and beyond to maintain those direct deposits. Let’s not pretend this is a woman with a ton of career options.
Whatever is going on with her swollen head is far less hireable than any face tattoos or piercings.
Plus, I want to hear more personal Laura Loomer stories. The woman who chained herself to Twitter HQ after they banned her account, a woman who’s been banned from most apps, I know Laura has some interesting stories to tell.
5. The Trumps
You want to drag America back into the past?
Fuck it, time to bring back those lame ass variety shows.
Take Jimmy Kimmel’s ABC slot and fill it with the Trump Family variety hour.
It’ll be like Donny and Marie Osmond but starring the sweaty, swaggerless Trump children—singing and dancing to impress their father—who will not be watching.
Ivanka can sing “I’m a little bit country” and Melania sings “I’m a little bit rock n roll”—but in the thickest, Slovick accent anyone’s ever heard—as the people who hate immigrants gleefully clap along to the first lady of the United States—who very much isn’t from here.
The Trump family has accumulated over $3.4 billion since Trump took office only 9 months ago.
Might as well complete the total takeover of the country by shoving a shitty variety show down our throats for influencers to pretend to love so they can get more of their mentally ill audience to bust that credit card out and purchase the most expensive tin foil hats.
Congrats to Jelly Roll for being the first musical guest already.
It sucks that late-night TV lost its cultural relevance because Letterman and Conan were so influential to my upbringing. But it sucks even more that Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert’s shows were ended because Donald Trump doesn’t want anyone to ever be mean to him.
But this is the state of America.
Let all of these remarkably unfunny weirdos get their chance to shape what they believe the culture should look like so they can stop crying about being excluded and they can finally show all of us how awkward and talentless they are.
Take over all of the TV shows, Trump people. Please.
You guys think Disney is “going broke because they went woke” —then please, business geniuses—go make a ton of Disney movies and see what happens when no one wants to watch Dean Cain and Russell Brand faith-based slop.
It’s your world now.
Hurry up and destroy it so we can clean it up sooner rather than later.
Thanks for reading.
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