I, Too, Would Rather Die Than Coach Chris Paul

On July 7th, Chris Paul signed a 1-year, $11 million deal with the San Antonio Spurs.

The 39-year-old police officer transferred to San Antonio, Texas to have one final campaign with the hot, up-and-coming blue chip prospect, Victor Wembanyama.

The Spurs suck. They’re currently the 11th seed looking up at the Lakers for the last play-in spot, a Lakers team ranking 26th in defensive rating that just got their hearts shattered by a Trae Young, overtime-winning 3-pointer.

The Spurs just lost 113-140 to the Sacramento Kings on Friday night.

The Kings came into that game having lost 7 of their last 9 games.

The Spurs had more wins than Sacramento.

After an explosive first quarter, the Spurs had their water shut off and got handcuffed by Keon Ellis and the Kings.

The (mis)handling of Keon Ellis’ role and minutes within the Kings’ rotation is so confusing

He’ll be a DNP-coach decision or play 2 minutes, then turn around and rack up an insane 4 steals and +32 +/- (team high) in 21 mins like tonight

What’s going on?pic.twitter.com/hi7cJUTLP9

— Point Made Basketball (@pointmadebball) December 7, 2024

Shout out Keon Ellis.

Looks like he’s really getting coached up over there in Sacramento.

I wish San Antonio had that level of coaching but unfortunately, the Spurs coach is getting fitted for the tuxedo he’ll wear in his casket.

I’m pretty sure Gregg Popovich is dying and no one in the NBA cares.

The future Hall of Famer had what the team called a “mild stroke” on November 2nd and hasn’t been back with the team since.

A month has passed and we’re all just pretending it’s normal for a coach to be on life support somewhere while his squad loses to a team that DeMar DeRozan is singlehandedly dragging to the bottom of the standings.

Here’s what Spurs GM, Brian Wright, said about Popovich’s condition:

“It is on all of us to play our part, to play our role, to continue to lean on each other, support each other, and be there for one another. And we look forward to the day that we can welcome him back. But it takes a village, and we’re all committed to that. But most importantly, we’re committed to making sure that he has everything he needs and giving him the time and space to continue to recover. And we’ll look forward to getting him back.”

“Making sure that he has everything he needs.” Ok. I’ve watched enough Scrubs to know what that means. Pop is one dry cough away from waking up on his wedding night.

And I totally feel him.

Chris Paul has spent his career maintaining a stranglehold around the throats of every coach and player ever forced to work alongside him.

He’s always struck me as having a mall cop mentality. He will chase you down for stealing shoelaces from the H&M check-out line.

If I were Gregg Popovich, I’d use up all my sick days to avoid CP3 too.

Chris Paul was supposed to elevate this team’s floor as he rides Wemby’s back to one final embarrassing postseason loss—solidifying Chris Paul’s legacy as a First Take debate topic titled “Who Is The Best NBA Player That Never Won a Championship.” Kendrick Perkins will fight for you, Chris.

But instead, he killed off the head coach and literally injured Wemby’s back so now Spurs fans get to look forward to Harrison Barnes ball. No one deserves that.

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