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Deadseriousness 2024 WWE Royal Rumble Review: This Story Is Never Getting Finished

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2024 wwe royal rumble

The Road to Wrestlemania has officially begun. And the Royal Rumble is the second most important thing going on in WWE right now as the only thing that matters is making sure Vince McMahon spends the rest of his life chained to a rock in the Caucasus Mountains with eagles eating his liver every day like Prometheus. I’m also okay with some sort of Vince McMahon Brock Lesnar human centipede situation. Vince obviously being the tail.

Anyway, let’s talk about 2024 WWE Royal Rumble:

 

Women’s Royal Rumble match

1. Natayla: I imagine Natayla wanted to add “first entrant in the Royal Rumble” to her list of meaningless accomplishments so congrats to her. When you see this new generation of women later in the match doing backflips and shooting star presses, you really understand why, despite being in the Hart family lineage, Natayla’s lack of raw athleticism compared to the women who came after her makes her look like a dinosaur out there.

Also at one point, someone stomped on her big, old-school, hard fake tits and I thought she was going to cough up her implants.

2. Naomi: Good on WWE allowing Naomi to have her full, neon light show entrance and get a full embrace on her return. Especially considering their weird treatment of her is the sole reason she left in the first place.

Also had not realized 90% of her offense consisted of her slamming her pelvis onto the mat in a full split over and over again.

3. Bayley: Part of me thinks the Bayley/Damage Control story could be told without her winning the Royal Rumble but part of me understands how hard she’s worked this year, especially in the Final 3 standing next to Jade Cargill who just debuted and Liv Morgan who’s been gone all year, and she deserves her first career Rumble victory.

I guess I’m just not super excited about a Bayley title run but if it means we get Bayley vs. Sasha Banks at Wrestlemania 41 then let’s fucking go.

4. Candace LaRae: She certainly was in the Royal Rumble. That fact cannot be denied.

5. Jordynne Grace: I didn’t think WWE still had it in them but this was a genuinely surprising moment. There was a point in my life where TNA was on my television far more often than WWE. While John Cena was wearing his little spinner belt, I was watching Samoa Joe and AJ Styles put on the greatest matches ever while Raven was literally lighting people on fire.

And now it’s 2024 and the TNA Women’s Champion not only enters the Royal Rumble as the 5th entrant—and not only did she get to acknowledge her recent feud with Naomi in a totally different company—but she lasted nearly 20 minutes and given several opportunities to prove how badass she is.

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about Grace’s elimination. It was like a Rorschach test on how you see the wrestling business.

Let’s take a look at what happened when Jordynee Grace met Bianca Belair:

On one hand, it is a huge look for TNA to have their champion have any interaction with WWE’s biggest female star. You can take it as a compliment that it took Bianca to eliminate Jordynne as opposed to Candace LaRae or some random.

On the other hand, it’s WILD to have Bianca not just clothesline her over the top rope but go out of her way to hit Grace with her finishing move where she lifts Jordynne on her shoulders and slams her on her face and out of the ring which looks like a big FU to TNA.

This is the same WWE that finally brought in Sting after two decades and immediately had him lose to Triple H so yea, it’s safe to assume they were giving Grace a middle finger.

6. Indi Hartwell: She tall as hell.

7. Asuka: At this point in her career, every time I see Asuka, I feel grateful to be witnessing a living legend. She may truly be the GOAT of women’s wrestling. Wins and losses don’t even matter anymore. She’s in rarified air. It’s like when Fast and Furious or John Wick bring in an older actor. Like, sure, the movie sucks but it’s dope to see Helen Mirren or Anjelica Houston still working.

8. Ivy Nile: Imagine walking into work on Monday and seeing your replacement. Ivy Nile is the store brand Jordynne Grace and she proved it with their little suplex-off where Ivy struggled to hold her girl up and Jordynne did it effortlessly with one arm.

9. Katana Chance: This is the smallest fully-grown adult I’ve ever seen.

10. Bianca Belair: Don’t have much to say about Bianca in this match. She did exactly what she was supposed to do: be the biggest star. Check.

I’m going to watch the hell out of her show with Montez Ford though.

11. Kairi Sane: It feels like Kairi Sane was supposed to have a cool moment where she stops herself from being eliminated but like, she just eliminated and I have no idea if it was a botch or dumb idea. Either way, eh.

Also kind of strange they didn’t keep Asuka and Kairi in longer to tell that story with Bayley. Especially with how weird Asuka and Bayley were interacting earlier where Asuka kept wanting to work together and Bayley seemed annoyed by her. Kairi and Asuka were dumped without Bayley even being in the frame. Weird.

12. Teagan Nox: You’re telling me this person isn’t just Candace LaRae again?

13. Kayden Carter: Is this the type of wild stuff going down in NXT? Do I need to start watching this show full of gymnasts??

14. Chelsea Green: I know Bayley technically won but Chelsea Green is the real winner of the 2024 Royal Rumble. An unbelievable ability to turn herself into a cartoon character at any given second. The match was pretty dead and all of a sudden Chelsea Green transforms into Donald Duck and I’m sitting on the edge of my seat again.

Art.

15. Piper Niven: I don’t want to be mean to Piper Niven because John Cena had the same problem and people consider him to be one of the greatest ever. But I would love to not hear and see her talking and calling every single move she makes. She needs to be mindful of the cameras or just figure out a better way for me not to see her decisions before she makes them. She’s a ventriloquist whose mouth moves or the forearm of a hand puppet.

16. Xia Li: The fuck is this?

17. Zelina Vega: She had a hell of a title match in Puerto Rico last year. Zelina Vega is going to win one of these Rumbles one day. Right after Jade Cargill wins the next 3.

18. Maxxine Dupri: The character of ‘not very good wrestler’ fits Maxxine Dupri like a glove.

19. Nia Jax: this woman has the look of an absolute megastar. She could be a dominant, unstoppable champion. But there’s something Nia Jax is missing. Whether she lacks focus or she doesn’t see herself in that light but every big opportunity she gets, and there are plenty, Nia fucks up.

There’s a disconnect. I see her on social media playing with the other girlies on the roster and maybe that’s the problem. She doesn’t want to be the best. She just likes being there. Maybe later in her career, she’ll have a true monster run like Mark Henry’s 2011 Championship run.

20. Shotzi: She should’ve shot missiles from her tank. Bet she would’ve won.

21. Becky Lynch: In the era of Rhea Ripley and Bianca Belair, I like Becky’s role as sort of a final boss or a test for newcomers to see if they can hang with the big dogs. I’ve read rumors about a potential Becky vs. Rhea Wrestlemania match but Becky would be far better used as a Jade Cargill or Tiffany Stratton match. Make history with the next generation of stars. You can be Triple H or you can be Bryan Danielson. Hopefully, Becky chooses the latter.

22. Alba Fyre: I believe she does witchcraft.

23. Shayna Baszler: 

 

24. Valhalla: OH MY GOD SHE HAD THE ANTLERS CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE WORE THE ANTLERS? (I don’t know who this is).

25. Michin: From 25 on, we see who the company wants us to believe are the ones. Growing up, these are The Rock, Stone Cold, and Undertaker spots. So I reckon I am to think highly of Michin. Ok.

26. Zoey Stark: In 1996, WWE told Chyna she needed plastic surgery. In 2024, WWE is lying to Zoey Stark.

27. Roxanne Perez: Did you know Roxanne Perez was trained by Booker T???!

28. Jade Cargill: Nia Jax is 6-foot 272 pounds. She could not lift the 5-foot-8, 200-pound Piper Niven without awkwardly dropping her on her neck.

And Jade Cargill lifted Nia Jax over her shoulders like a sweater at a wine tasting. Fuck it, let her beat Logan Paul for the United States Championship.

Quick shout out to the WWE diehard dorks who mocked Jade Cargill’s wresting in AEW and are now praising every single thing she does in WWE. You are the marks who helped pay for Vince McMahon’s sex slaves.

29. Tiffany Stratton: Total package star right here. WWE might need to create some sort of intercontinental title for the women because Tiffany Stratton deserves gold around her waist immediately.

30. Liv Morgan: At one point, Liv Morgan eliminates someone, looks into the camera and says “thank you” in the most graining voice and shit-eating grin. If this was heel work, she did a fantastic job pissing me off. If she was attempting to be cute then I will continue questioning why this girl is so popular.

 

Undisputed WWE universal championship — Roman Reigns (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. LA Knight vs. AJ Styles:

Uh, this match was as good as I thought it would be which is to say, it wasn’t that good. But this is the Roman Reigns era we’re in. We all know he’s going to break the record for the longest title reign ever and these matches don’t really matter much. This was just filler and a way to get LA Knight, Randy Orton and AJ Styles a bigger direct deposit. Good for them but who cares?

United States championship — Logan Paul (c) vs. Kevin Owens:

At one point, Logan Paul leaps from in the ring to the floor for a diving cross-body on Kevin Owens and he clips his knee on the rope. I can’t tell if he intentionally grassed the ropes to prevent him from flying into the front row or if it was an accident but either way, Logan Paul jumped so far he nearly jumped completely over Kevin Owens’s head.

Why was this dweeb trying to be a Vine comedian when he should’ve been at the Olympics. Logan Paul is the walking embodiment of how social media is ruining the youth. Some of our top athletes, some of our top minds—are making Nickelodeon-style, lame-ass comedy skits on TikTok instead of advancing humanity.

Oh, smart finish to this match too. Kevin Owens getting DQ’d for using Logan Paul’s brass knuckles was an interesting way to end this. Logan Paul matches are good and I hate it.

Men’s Royal Rumble match

1. Jey Uso: Jey Uso going all the way and being face-to-face with Cody at the end for the chance to take on Roman Reigns and put the final nail in the Bloodline coffin would’ve been a great story. For a crowd that sounded like a room full of high schoolers taking the SATs, they sure went nuts went Jey Uso came out.

2. Jimmy Uso: I think I read a quote where Jimmy and/or Jey said their storyline could main event Wrestlemania. No.

3. Grayson Waller: I listen to podcasts and hear people talk so highly of Grayson Waller. And then he comes on my screen and I just have no idea why someone like Montez Ford is a sidekick who doesn’t even get a Rumble entry while Grayson Waller plays ‘annoying side character from a CW teenage drama no one watches’.

4. Andrade: If I were to make a list of guys who had the best 2023, Andrade would be right in the mix. It felt like AEW was ready to push him for real but I understand he kind of never wanted to be there and would prefer to travel the country with his wife Charlotte Flair.

I’m curious how WWE will use him. He’s a far better in-ring performer than 90% of the roster but that’s never really mattered here.

5. Carmelo Hayes: Is it weird for anyone else to bring Carmelo Hayes out 5th and make him pretty much invisible until he’s quietly thrown out by Finn Balor? Like, if you’re attempting to build a star then he should either be an iron man who lasts forever or he should be dumping people out left and right like his peer, Bron Breakker, does later on. Carmelo didn’t do shit. Weird.

6. Shinsuke Nakamura: I appreciate Triple H for keeping Vince McMahon’s secrets all these years I mean for making Nakamura a real threat in the main event again.

7. Santos Escobar: I pray they don’t immediately pair Santos Escobar with Andrade. Don’t even make them feud. Spanish wrestlers don’t need to spend all of their time with Spanish wrestlers. It’s 2024.

8. Karrion Kross: If more Karrion Kross means more Scarlett then put Karrion Kross in every segment.

9. Dominik Mysterio: How cool would it have been if Dom sneaked out of the ring early on to the point where everyone forgets he’s even still in the match only to pop up at the end with Cody Rhodes and CM Punk?

10. Carlito: I have never, in my life, seen anyone manipulate an apple like Carlito does.

11. Bobby Lashley: Bobby Lashley being tasked with making us view Karrion Kross as a serious threat might be the most difficult job in the business. Besides being Vince McMahon’s lawyer.

12. Ludwing Kaiser: Had to fill this match with 30 living, breathing bodies.

13. Austin Theory: There are so many reasons to explain why Austin Theory has yet to take off but I really believe this Roman Reigns title run put a ceiling on so many guys and now Theory is just the guy who laid an egg with John Cena at Mania last year.

14. Finn Balor: Keep collecting those paychecks, my guy. Salute.

15. Cody Rhodes: I’d just love to be in the room when the powers that be were trying to determine the best entry number for Cody Rhodes where people won’t complain this time around.

Oh, I should make it very clear right now that I’m 99% sure Roman Reigns is going to beat Cody Rhodes again. WWE didn’t spend almost 4 years building this streak only to lose it short of being the longest title reign ever. What would even be the point? To make Cody feel good? Nah.

Go pick up your teeth, Cody.

16. Bronson Reed: Every wrestling company needs a gigantic anvil like Bronson Reed to just mean mug and toss people. Thank you for your service.

17. Kofi Kingston: At this point in his career, Kofi has nothing left to prove. If he doesn’t feel like coming up with some heroic way to save himself from elimination this year, he’s earned the right to chill.

18. Gunther: Death. Taxes. Cody eliminating Gunther. I hate it here.

19. Ivar: Every company needs ONE** guy like Bronson Reed. Go hop in Jordynne Grace’s Uber back to TNA.

20. Bron Breakker: I don’t watch NXT because why would I but Bron Breakker is a different breed of cat, man. Every time Bron Breakker spears someone, MY ribs hurt.

21. Omos: We’re still trying to make African Great Khali happen??

22. Pat McAfee: Ya know, there’s a lot of negative shit I can say about Pat McAfee but he currently runs one of the biggest sports shows Monday through Friday every day. It is the night before the NFL Conference Championship Games. And Pat McAfee was able to put on some great commentary in a situation where I know for a fact, most guys in his position would mail it in and half-ass the gig. Good on McAfee for giving a shit.

23. JD McDonagh:

24. R-Truth: WWE and TNA having a working relationship means we get to see some clips of R-Truth in TNA when he inevitably gets inducted into the Hall of Fame. It’ll be nice for people to see he used to be a phenomenal wrestler before he became this.

25. The Miz: It was as if I accidentally hit the mute button when The Miz came out. He and R-Truth tried to remind the fans that they used to be a tag team, and no one reacted. It’s time to hang em up, dog. The Miz has become melatonin.

26. Damian Priest: What is even the point of winning the Royal Rumble when he won’t even cash in his Money in the Bank? Does Damian Priest think he can win a Wrestlemania main event one-on-one, fair and square when he can’t even pin Seth Rollins after a brutal 20-minute match with Nakamura?

27. CM Punk: This old, raggedy bitch. CM Punk looked like he just stomped out his lit cigarette moments before coming out to the ring. I want everyone to keep an eye on the Go To Sleep. This version of Punk can pick up MJF or Ricky Starks but now he’s attempting to put guys like Damian Priest and Drew McIntyre over his shoulders. Punk ‘jokingly’ hit The Pedigree but don’t be shocked if/when he makes that his finisher for real.

Also, I was going to comment on CM Punk and The Miz not acknowledging each other in the Rumble until I looked it up and they’ve only wrestled once. Behind Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan, Punk will go down as one of the greatest backstage politickers of all time. CM Punk has gone his entire career without ever being forced to work with The Miz.

28. Ricochet: His wife had an amazing night. Super talented woman.

29. Drew McIntyre: Drew McIntyre has a bright future headlining Wembley Stadium in AEW.

30. Sami Zayn: Sami Zayn did nothing remarkable and was out of the ring in 3 minutes. Why in the world would you not have CM Punk come out at 30? I understand Punk was already advertised to be in the Rumble so after 29 people came out, the entire arena would have known Punk was next and Sami was some level of a ‘surprise’ but at least the crowd would’ve given a shit.

They had their chance to make Sami the guy against Roman Reigns in Zayn’s hometown. He lost. It’s over.

3 minutes. What was even the point? Have him return on Raw the following Monday.

 

 

 

 

 

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Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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