9 Biggest Winners and Losers of 2024 NBA All-Star Weekend

The 2024 NBA All-Star Weekend was very cool for those who live in Indianapolis and haven’t had an important sports event in their city since the 2012 WNBA Finals when Tamika Catchings led the Indiana Fever over the STACKED Minnesota Lynx. Shout out Lindsay Whalen.

But with every major event, there are winners and there are certainly losers.

Let’s start with the winners of 2024 NBA All-Star Weekend:

1. Jaylen Brown

It’s easy to make fun of Jaylen Brown’s performance in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest. I’m probably going to make fun of him in a second. But I imagine there was an absurd amount of pressure on Jaylen to singlehandedly restore a feeling that has long since dissipated.

As the only All-Star in the contest and the most lucrative contract any basketball player has on planet Earth, Jaylen Brown was in an inevitable lose-lose situation where, no matter what he did, he was never going to make this event as exciting as our memories trick us into believing previous dunk contests were.

But he agreed to do it anyway and even threw in a tribute to Terrence Clarke—a top NBA prospect who passed away in a car crash a few months before he was set to be a first-round pick in 2021.

So yes, it was next-level corny to bring out a 5-foot-3 Twitch streamer and dunk over him while he was sitting down and he should forever be roasted for thinking it was impressive to dunk over a short person in a chair but I imagine Terrence Clarke’s loved ones enjoyed Brown’s performance.

Also have to give credit to Jaylen Brown for acknowledging the narrative he has no idea how to use his left hand by putting on a Michael Jackson glove and dunking lefty.

It feels like this is where the slam dunk is headed. Inside jokes and players subverting tropes. You’re going to have to live on the internet to understand Zion Williamson dunking over Moriah Mills’s BBL next year.

2. Whining, complaining weirdos

As I write this, the guys on First Take are dramatically crying about their beloved All-Star weekend being ruined. Stephen A. Smith wants the entire weekend to be shut down entirely. Wait, I found the clip, one sec.

Stephen A. Smith says the NBA needs to do away with the All-Star Game.

“What transpired last night was an absolute travesty…It’s a flagrant lack of effort, and it’s embarrassing.” pic.twitter.com/JJsEc8OgFU

— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) February 19, 2024

Chill.

I need everyone to take a deep breath and stop being such reactionary weirdos about an exhibition match that does not matter in any way whatsoever.

I’m going to do the rare article within an article.

Here’s a quick list of reasons why the All-Star weekend isn’t competitive:

1. The NBA makes astronomically more dollars than it did even ten years ago. All-Star Weekend is a corporate event to satisfy sponsors. Players are spending the weekend in photoshoots and interviews and commercials for exorbitant paychecks.

Their salaries are exponentially larger than they were a decade ago so no, these guys aren’t clotheslining each other going up for layups in the All-Star game when the entire weekend is essentially a business trip.

Capitalism has ransacked this event and sucked out any heart and character from it—as capitalism has done with literally everything it touches.

2. These are the most talented group of basketball players in NBA history. The first All-Star game I remember watching was in 2000 when Shaq, Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett were playing bullyball, all dropping 20+ points on the East’s head. If you look at those rosters, there were only two players who were known as 3-point shooters—Ray Allen and Reggie Miller. They shot a combined 2-for-12 from 3 in the game. Damian Lillard shot 11-for-23 from 3 ON HIS OWN in this weekend’s game.

You want these guys to play defense against impossible-to-defend teams where all 5 guys can dribble, pass and shoot at All-NBA levels. In 2000, Eddie Jones was an All-Star starter. People are reading this article right now who have no idea who Eddie Jones is.

Giannis would need an IV after the game if he had to chase around a lineup of Steph Curry, Karl-Anthony Towns, Anthony Davis, Kawhi Leonard and Nikola Jokic for 48 minutes with Kevin Durant and Devin Booker ready to check-in right after them. These players are TOO GOOD to slap the floor and try and stop. There isn’t a Dale Davis or Michael Finley sneaking into the game. It’s ALL MVPS.

3. In the 80’s, 90’s and early 2000’s, East Coast vs. West Coast was a real rivalry with real-life consequences. There was actual beef. The air was different. You could get knocked the fuck out for simply listening to the wrong music in the wrong city.

In 2024, the world has shrunken. Everyone talks the same, dresses the same and listens to music from every city. There is nothing special about East vs. West anymore and this shared universe obviously makes its way to the court as all the players are friends and hugging before and after the game.

And honestly, it’s for the best. People who have never been involved in any fights absolutely love romanticizing hypothetical violence and hostility. It’s cool that rappers aren’t getting murked and NBA players don’t hit each other. You are the weirdo for wanting to return to that.

4. All-Star Weekend is for children. I cannot stress this enough. Nostalgia has altered people’s memories of the past but this weekend has always been for younger fans who are still growing into their fandom. Not for jaded old dudes like Stephen A. Smith or Bill Simmons who are one Viagra pill away from a life-ending cardiac arrest.

Anyway, congrats to the whiners and complainers out there. You got something new to cry about this week. Get your takes off. Get your little Likes and comments. I feel you, dog. It’s lonely out here without those push notifications. Go get em, homie.

3. Doc Rivers

Doc Rivers was hired like, two weeks ago and now he’s adding 2024 Eastern Conference All-Stars coach to his jewelry case full of fake chains. To recap, Doc Rivers was hired by the Milwaukee Bucks as an ‘advisor’ to the coaching staff. Rivers then advised the team to fire Adrian Griffin and hire himself as the new head coach. And now he gets to coach the East All-Stars because Adrian Griffin led the Bucks to 30 wins before he realized he’s not the main character of this story just like Ned Stark.

I don’t know what Doc said to these All-Stars before the game but I’m convinced it was super important for Doc to win this game in front of all of his NBA peers when they all know what he did to usurp this position and the players did him that solid.

Rivers has been the coach of the Bucks for 10 games. The team is 3-7. Doc Rivers’s reputation was on the line last night and not blowing a 4th quarter lead to the West helped keep his head above water. After a weekend spent on his knees for every NBA GM and Owner, bukkake style, to make sure he will always be employed by the league, Doc ended Sunday with a much-needed W.

4. Sabrina Ionescu

You have to ask yourself, why would Sabrina Ionescu agree to a 3-point contest against the greatest 3-point shooter of all time?

From her days at Oregon, hanging out with Kobe Bryant for some reason, Sabrina always seemed super aware of her brand and image. This girl wants to be a star. And that’s okay. She’s more than talented enough to deserve it. I’m not attempting to shit on her aspirations.

But I think something else was in the back of her mind.

The moment Caitlin Clark broke the NCAA DI women’s basketball all-time scoring record. 👏 @IowaWBB | @bigten pic.twitter.com/f2t7ISYjyA

— NBC Sports (@NBCSports) February 16, 2024

An alien is coming. When Caitlin Clark gets to the WNBA, people are going to forget all about Sabrina and her little triple-doubles or whatever. This 3-point contest seems like a very calculated attempt by Sabrina to establish herself as the face of the league before Caitlin Clark-mania puts baby in the corner.

Also, NBA fans just found out that Sabrina Ionescu doesn’t spend all of her time wearing a New York Liberty jersey.

Yeah nvm Sabrina should’ve won the 3pt contest pic.twitter.com/A1VeG734nD

— NEW YORK ON 🔝 (@HugeBa11er) February 18, 2024

Ain’t nothing wrong with being the object of affection and using that to grow the brand. Skylar Diggins continues to be put in Big 3 graphics every WNBA offseason even though she’s kind of washed because we all thought she was hot a decade ago. Wait until Sabrina leaks her own nudes like Drake. She’s trying to get that new Gatorade Water sponsorship by any means.

5. Damian Lillard

For the first time in his NBA career, Damian Lillard started an All-Star and interestingly enough, it’s finally happening during the worst season of his career. He’s playing alongside, Giannis, the most talented superstar he’s ever shared a court with and somehow his assists and assist percentages are the lowest they’ve been in nearly a decade. Outside of the free throw line, all of his shooting percentages are lower than normal. And the biggest trade of the offseason that sent him from Portland to join the Milwaukee Bucks has quietly been a disappointment.

Probably doesn’t help he’s going through a divorce and in court documents, his ex-wife said Dame doesn’t even spend time with his kids and his image as the ultimate family man is all a facade. His whole brand is a lie and now he’s in Milwaukee going through the motions and checking his phone every 35 seconds to check if there’s a new message from her.

Which is why it was so important for him to re-establish himself as a superstar this weekend. First, with winning the 3-Point Content, for those who care about that shit and then chucking up 23 logo 3’s, finishing the All-Star game with 39 points and winning the All-Star Game MVP.

If only he got to go home and celebrate this success with his wife and kids. Oh well.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Scottie Barnes

Unlike Sabrina Ionescu’s brand growth from 2024 All-Star Weekend exposure, Scottie Barnes’s stock has plummeted. You never want an entire country to question if you’re special needs after being exposed to you for an entire weekend.

Unless you’re Zach Lowe, you live in Brampton or you’re a Knicks fan who wanted to watch RJ Barrett and Immanuel Quickley for a couple games after the OG Anunoby trade only to realize they are still the extremely flawed players they were in New York and playing more minutes hasn’t suddenly fixed them—you’re not out here watching Raptors games.

So this may be the first time you’ve seen Scottie Barnes and this is the first thing you see:

Scottie Barnes is never beating the allegations 💀pic.twitter.com/zIFpyzBVq7

— LakeShowYo (@LakeShowYo) February 18, 2024

Scottie Barnes seems like he frequently buys packs of crayons for lunch.

2. ESPN

I know there’s a lot of fair criticism on Kenny Smith being drunk as hell and spending the entire Steph vs. Sabrina 3-Point Contest pissed that Sabrina Ionescu wasn’t in the kitchen cutting the crusts off his sandwiches and Charles Barkley doing his tight-five Late Night with David Letterman stand-up set about how dangerous the homeless people in San Francisco are but Ernie Johnson could’ve asked the camera to zoom in on his face as he shouted the n-word at the top of his lungs and the TNT broadcast would still be astronomically better than ESPN’s NBA coverage.

Prior to the game, Shaq, Ernie and Kenny had incredible perspectives on what this All-Star game means to the players and how we as fans should appreciate seeing all these stars on the court together. Their love for the game bleeds out of the television. It’s infectious.

Meanwhile, the ESPN pre-game show is exclusively just Stephen A. Smith yelling about himself and how Jalen Brunson better not let him down as a Knicks fan before complaining about something. Oftentimes the complaints aren’t even related to the games ESPN is about to broadcast.

The TNT crew seems obsessed with basketball while the ESPN crew seems obsessed with Stephen A. Smith. At halftime, Kenny Smith will masterfully break down the first two quarters. At halftime, Stephen A. Smith will make some jokes about the Dallas Cowboys and brag about knowing all the celebrities they showed at courtside.

3. Anthony Edwards

Every time I hear an NBA podcaster talk about Anthony Edwards, they force this strange Michael Jordan comparison even though he plays almost nothing like Jordan and prefers to take long pull-up threes instead of getting his hands dirty in the midrange.

But most of the MJ comparisons have to do with some implied competitiveness from Edwards that perhaps he’s shown flashes of but this 2024 NBA All-Star Weekend revealed the truth: he’s nothing like Jordan.

anthony edwards shooting it with his left hand 😂😂 pic.twitter.com/xVaM8jnXZX

— Hoops (@HoopMixOnly) February 18, 2024

He coasted through the Skills Challenge and elected to chuck up 3’s with his left hand. Bricked all of them. Michael Jordan would literally fucking never.

The Western All-Stars scored 186 points and they lost. Anthony Edwards scored only 4 of those points. Michael Jordan would literally fucking never.

Fans want the players to care about All-Star weekend. There is no incentive to make them care. It’s all meaningless unless the players themselves find meaning in it. It’s up to this new crop of young stars to decide if they want to play defense and Anthony Edwards is the face of this new crop. But unfortunately, it looks like Edwards just wants to play around and guys like Tyrese Maxey and Paolo Banchero are going to follow his lead.

Anthony Edwards is never going to be the face of the league because he’s too cool for school.

4. Karl-Anthony Towns

No one in the history of this great sport is better at scoring meaningless buckets than Karl-Anthony Towns. He finished the All-Star game with 50 points. Cool. The West lost. Just like last month when he scored 62 and the Minnesota Timberwolves lost to the Charlotte fucking Hornets.

Karl-Anthony Towns claims he’s the greatest shooting big man in NBA history. Cool. So what? I dare you to win ONE playoff series and impact the game in any way outside of getting a bunch of baskets that don’t affect the game at all.

Certain guys like his old teammate Andrew Wiggins have a raw, god-gifted ability to end the game with 25+ points without anyone remembering any of those points being scored because they happen in low leverage, low stakes moments that do not impact momentum, or cause the other team to call timeout or puts their team up in a big moment. Nope, just random shots when the defense may have fallen asleep or they see the boxscore on the bench and realize they’re not at 20 points yet so they sabotage a possession to make sure they get their stats up.

Karl-Anthony Towns is just a loser, man. Congrats on the 50 points that will serve as a trivia answer no one will ever get right.

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