9 Biggest Losers of NFL Week 1

People write their winners and losers columns and I am going to solely focus on the losers every week. Not because I’m like a negative guy or miserable or anything like that. It’s just funnier to make fun of Kyler Murray watching more Twitch streams than game film.

Here are the 9 biggest losers of NFL Week 1:

1. HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS

The Cowboys offseason strategy was to uh, not improve in any way at all which is how you end up with Dennis Houston as your starting wide receiver getting no separation from defenders because he shouldn’t be on an NFL field unless the team is tanking so you can get a better draft position in order to pick a wide receiver that is astronomically more talented than Dennis fucking Houston.

A timeline from overnight: Cowboys’ QB Dak Prescott is scheduled to have surgery on his right thumb today and is expected to miss 6-8 weeks, multiple sources told ESPN’s @toddarcher.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) September 12, 2022

Andddd now their star QB is out for two months so to recap: Dallas’s offensive line has declined significantly, Amari Cooper was traded to Ohio. Zeke Elliot hasn’t been great since the Obama Administration. CeeDee Lamb just had 2 catches on 11 targets. And now Cooper Rush is the QB1.

Lol the Cowboys season is already after one week.

2. Bill Belichick

We have to start treating this man the same way we treat Joe Biden or Donald Trump. Just a weird sundowning elderly stubborn narcissist who lost his offensive coordinator to the Raiders and chose to replace him with, uh, no one.

These are the decisions you make when Joe Judge is your QB coach pic.twitter.com/11rgOS8xOH

— Dead Serious (@Deadseriousness) September 11, 2022

The Patriots have set their second-year quarterback up to fail. He is getting play calls from a terrible defensive coordinator and individual coaching from one of the worst head coaches in recent history. Matt Patricia and Joe Judge have joined forces to create an atrocious offense. That combined with GM Belichick having no idea how to draft players.

New England may never win a game again.

3. Randy Bullock

Randy Bullock misses the game-winner.

The Giants win the opener of 2022 over the Titans, 21-20. pic.twitter.com/v4ilyal0Dt

— Doug Rush (@TheDougRush) September 11, 2022

It took sooo much self-control to wait this long before shitting on the Titans and Randy Bullock in particular after shanking a potential game-winning field goal to beat the New York Giants—a team that many believed would be tanking this year.

I have no idea what the Titans game plan was. They seemed to just be coasting on vibes with no real sense of urgency until the final drive of the game down after a successful two-point conversation by Saquon Barkley. But Randy Bullock didn’t come onto the field with that sense of urgency.

The Titans are cooked.

4. Hallucinogens

Aaron Rodgers spent this offseason seemingly on a press tour promoting doing drugs. He explained experiencing ego death high as hell on psychedelics and how it made him a better man or whatever. He then threw for 195 yards with an interception and no touchdowns. He has the 5th worst passer rating in the NFL so far.

It doesn’t help that the Packers got rid of Davante Adams and replaced him well, no one. Tampa Bay has gone out of their way to surround Tom Brady with the best talent they can find and Green Bay has no desire to help their drug-addict QB at all.

5. The Mayfield’s

Baker Mayfield looks in the mirror and sees Dan Marino. The rest of the world looks at Baker Mayfield and sees bitch ass Baker Mayfield. You know he was amped to play against a Cleveland team that chose a sexual predator over him but unfortunately, he’s Baker Mayfield so there was nothing he could really do to make them pay because he is not skilled or prepared enough to be the Hall of Fame QB he thinks he is.

Meanwhile, Emily Mayfield had a tough time at the local pub.

I dont think Emily Mayfield is a fan of this awesome shirt

📸 @szittaijr pic.twitter.com/ayWzFKFpEP

— Barstool Cleveland (@BS_Cleveland) September 11, 2022

I get the feeling Emily will be watching the rest of the Panthers games at home.

6. The NFL Media

If you pay attention to how the media covers the NFL leading up to the season, you can see that everyone copies each other’s ‘hot takes’ and there is zero originality. Everyone claimed the Eagles and Raiders would be the surprise teams of the season. Yike.

The Eagles beat the Lions. Sure. But why was the game so close against the worst team in the NFL last season? Philadelphia gave up 35 points to Detroit and allowed D’Andre Swift to rush for 144 yards against them.

So many people had this dumb hot take that the Raiders would somehow win the AFC West ahead of Los Angeles and Kansas City. I assume it’s because it would be boring to say the Chiefs would win again and everyone is scrambling to be seen and heard and blah blah but man, Derek Carr has sucked his entire career and turns out, yup, he still sucks. Who knew??

7. Cigarette smokers in New Jersey

When Joe Flacco first arrived to the Jets, I warned New Jersey residents to stock up on cigarettes as Marlboro Joe was coming to the local bodega with millions of dollars and years of resentment built up. After throwing 59 passes and losing to Lamar Jackson—the man who stole his job in Baltimore—Flacco is 1000% sitting in a room full of cigarette smoke right now throwing darts at his own picture.

8. Jalen Ramsey

#Rams CB Jalen Ramsey allowed a perfect passer rating of 158.3 in Week 1, per @PFF‘s initial grading.

He was targeted seven times, allowing six receptions for 124 yards and 2 TDs.

— Marcus Mosher (@Marcus_Mosher) September 9, 2022

I relate to Jalen Ramsey so much. He played for a garbage franchise in Jacksonville for so long. Begged and screamed for a massive payday and a Super Bowl appearance. He has since achieved both and now he might be the worst corner in football. I cannot imagine reaching all of my goals and still like, trying my best. I am Jalen Ramsey.

9. Me

I mayyy or may not have lowkey predicted Joe Burrow would be the MVP. He then proceeded to turn the ball over 5 times and looked Sam Darnold level scared against Pittsburgh’s defense. I’m going to delete any mention of my prediction. Unless he turns it around in which case I will paste all of my previous Burrow thoughts back into old articles and no one will know the difference.