Being an NFL head coach is one of the hardest jobs in sports. You need to get 53 guys all working together on a gameplan that takes you 24 hours a day to establish and if the opposing coach happens to have a better plan against you or you face a more talented team, your career is essentially over until you can trick another front office into giving you the keys to their franchise.
And since the job is so difficult, guys are getting fired left and right. Let’s wildly speculate on who will be unemployed by the time the 2023 NFL season ends.
1. Brandon Staley
3rd year
19-15 record
0-1 in the playoffs
The Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego backed up the Brinks truck in Justin Herbert’s driveway this week giving him a 5-year $262.5 million mega deal. So it’s safe to assume the organization is all in on their young star QB.
But there’s an aspect of Herbert’s game no one likes to talk about.
He’s entering his 4th year in the league and has exactly zero playoff victories. Again, the Chargers are all in on Herbert regardless so if the lack of playoff success continues this year, it’s not Herbert who’s moving elsewhere.
Brandon Staley has a Top 5 quarterback. If he doesn’t get a playoff win, he’s OUT of here.
2. Ron Rivera
4th year
22-27 record
0-1 in the playoffs
Last time Ron Rivera lost his job in Carolina, Jerry Richardson had to sell the team because he wouldn’t stop sniffing female employees’ hair and complimenting girls when he saw them in jeans. Big denim guy. Then David Tepper purchased the team and cleaned up.
Well, Dan Snyder just sold the Washington Commanders because he turned the cheerleaders into prostitutes and faked all of the team’s books. So new owner, Josh Harris, could easily clean house in Washington and bring in his own guys.
3. Kevin Stefanski
4th year
26-24 record
1-1 in the playoffs
Much like the Justin Herbert deal, the Cleveland Browns went all in on the freaky sexual predator and he was statistically one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL last season.
Let’s see what Deshaun Watson looks like in a full season with no suspensions for being a creep. If the Browns still struggle then I could see the finger being pointed at Kevin Stefanski.
4. Mike McCarthy
4th year
30-20 record
1-2 in the playoffs
When you’re the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys, you are always on the hot seat. Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless are spending countless hours combing through all the nitpicks their assistants printed out for them because they didn’t actually watch any of the games but then their massive audiences latch onto their talking points causing a wave of slander against you basically 24/7.
The Dallas Cowboys could make a Super Bowl run and if McCarthy makes one single mistake in the big game, Jerry Jones is going to fire him because there will be nonstop coverage of McCarthy’s failures.
5. Dennis Allen
2nd year
7-10 record
Zero playoff appearances
It wouldn’t shock me if the bottom fell out of the New Orleans Saints and suddenly this organization found themselves in a position to finally draft their new franchise quarterback. There’s a quarterback room with Derek Carr, Jameis Winston and Taysom Hill. There isn’t a single good idea coming out of those meetings.
It doesn’t help that Sean Payton is back in the NFL and will most likely have instant success with the Denver Broncos while the Saints look like an XFL team every week.
6. Robert Saleh
3rd year
11-23 record
Zero playoff appearances
In order to acquire Aaron Rodgers, the Jets had to give up a 2023 first-round pick, 2023 second-round pick, a 2023 sixth-round pick, a conditional 2024 second-round pick that becomes a first if Rodgers plays 65% of the plays this season, they had to sign Allen Lazard and Randall Cobb and they had to hire Nathaniel Hackett as their offensive coordinator.
The franchise belongs to Aaron Rodgers until he randomly decides to retire in order to run for local office or something so if the Jets don’t make a deep playoff run and Rodgers wants a new head coach well then the Jets are signing a new head coach.
7. Sean McDermott
7th year
62-35 record
4-5 in the playoffs
It feels like the Buffalo Bills have hit a wall. The Cincinnati Bengals and Kansas City Chiefs feel like automatic bids for the AFC Championship game while the Bills seem to crumble when the games matter the most.
Now they’re entering 2023 without a defensive coordinator. Stefon Diggs refusing to practice. Josh Allen dating a celebrity and being on the cover of Madden instead of locking himself in a lab and figuring out how to stop fucking fumbling the football.
The Buffalo Bills could look reaaaaaal different this time next year.
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