6 Winners and Losers of the 2023 NBA All-Star Weekend

The 2023 NBA All-Star Weekend was blah all around so I don’t want to spend too much time even talking about it. But I can’t act like it didn’t happen so here’s some content almost exclusively for SEO purposes.

Usually, I try to make these winners and losers lists a little longer but again, I’m not going to lie to you like I watched the Antetokounmpo brothers do bounce passes and layup drills on a Friday night. I consider myself washed but I’m still cooler than that shit.

Here are the 3 winners of 2023 NBA All-Star Weekend:

1. Jayson Tatum

If you’re like me then you feel like you’ve been waterboarded with Kobe Bryant content all your life. But if you’re like Jayson Tatum then you’re opening your mouth wide and begging for more and more Kobe.

Jayson Tatum lifts the Kobe Bryant Trophy for the #KiaAllStarMVP 🏆#NBAAllStar x #PhantomCam pic.twitter.com/WSjac62fqs

— NBA (@NBA) February 20, 2023

I probably should’ve remembered that when Tatum was so clearly playing to win the All-Star MVP award that’s named in honor of Kobe. Of course Tatum broke the scoring record. That’s just mamba mentality baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

2. Mac McClung

I’ve been watching Mac McClung dunk since he was in high school. I watched him dunk at Georgetown because we all know I’m a lifelong Hoyas fan. With all this talk about how LeBron was the chosen one at 18 and exceeded all expectations to become the GOAT, we should be looking at McClung the same way. He was the dunking chosen one. His entire basketball life had been leading up to winning a dunk contest and this weekend, the prophecy was fulfilled.

Every dunk by MAC MCCLUNG in his almost flawless victory at the 2023 NBA Dunk Contest

Tap the glass over 2 people: 50
360 windmill: 49.8
Double Pump Reverse: 50
540!!!: 50

And made every dunk on the first try
SHAQ: “He saved the dunk contest” pic.twitter.com/5RGjujUCMU

— Ballislife.com (@Ballislife) February 19, 2023

3. Janelle Monae

this video is why i love janelle monae and we must protect her at all costs pic.twitter.com/eWE6Q7taRp

— abby | OBX3 (@swiftalways99) February 20, 2023

Janelle Monae played in the Celebrity game on Friday night. She returned to the court on Sunday for the all-star game and was honestly the only thing from the weekend that I remember.

RESPECTFULLY.

And now onto the losers…

1. Jericho Sims

It pains me to roast a New York Knick, especially Jericho Sims who seems like a sweet boy who wants to be good at basketball but when will big men learn they do not stand a chance in the slam dunk contest? Dwight Howard and Blake Griffin only won because they were celebrities off the court. Jericho Sims has to constantly flash his ID walking past security in Madison Square Garden.

Jericho Sims with the double honey dip🍯 #NewYorkForever #NBAtwitter #Knicks pic.twitter.com/8tAaOk6C6v

— Mo Sports (@MoSportsNetwork) February 19, 2023

I just want to take this moment to say I think Sims had a good dunk contest and I am not responsible for any of the memes. Good try, sweetie.

2. Karl Malone

It’s tough sitting here calling Karl Malone a ‘loser’ for being a creep and a deadbeat dad because the word loser isn’t nearly harsh enough to explain what I really feel about him but the NBA dedicating a weekend to pretending as if he didn’t rape a 7th grader was, uh, odd.

Karl Malone didn’t need to be in the halftime ceremony that honored LeBron James passing the all-time scoring record. I imagine if the NBA banned Malone from All-Star weekend in Utan then the fear is Fox News people would catch hold and start attacking the league because there’s nothing conservatives love more than crying about everyone being a pedophile while fighting tooth and nail to defend any and all pedophiles.

Personally, if I’m the NBA I’d rather fight reactionary right-wing grifters who don’t even like the NBA to begin with than honor a man who got away with robbing a little girl of her adolescence.

Fuck Karl Malone.

3. NBA All-Star Weekend

The 2023 NBA All-Star Weekend was the worst in NBA history. The All-Star game itself was unbelievably boring as Tatum, Donovan Mitchell and Damian Mitchell had a 3-point contest all night with zero defense being played.

LeBron, Giannis, Steph, Durant were all missing and the only ‘moment’ was Tatum vs. Brown at the end of the 3rd quarter which is cool for Celtics fans but like, who gives a shit about Jaylen Brown?

The dunk contest is dead. You can’t go from Michael Jordan winning by rocking the cradle to a guy winning who isn’t even on an NBA roster and who looks like he knocks on your door in the middle of the day to sell you solar panels.

Just do a 1-on-1 tournament and let the competitiveness of these NBA players sneak out. It doesn’t even need to be Durant vs. Luka or whatever. Have Jordan Clarkson and Dillon Brooks play to 11 in the first round and let them fight like in hockey. That’s astronomically more exciting than watching minor league basketball players jog through a skills challenge that seems to only exist to sell Sprite.

Perhaps we are all aging and no longer looking at All-Star Weekend through the eyes of a child who is obsessed with basketball. Seeing all those stars together used to be the highlight of my year like ‘whoa Jason Kidd is hanging out with Tim Duncan???’ and now I’m like ‘I hope Kyrie isn’t handing out any literature this weekend’.

NBA All-Star weekend is dead. Adam Silver’s league, man.

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