The Miami Dolphins benched Tua Tagovailoa this week for 7th-round rookie, Quinn Ewers.
Tua is an ex, Miami will pretend they never wanted. Boy, were they pissed at Brian Flores for winning those late-season games.
The Dolphins were desperate for Tua. Couldn’t keep them out of his DMs.
And now he’s the third-string QB, behind Zach Wilson, who is still in the NFL, by the way.
It will take an avalanche of bad decisions and evil witchcraft to get Tua off the roster next season.
Miami can’t cut him, the dead cap money will crush them.
Teams aren’t in a hurry to trade for an expensive quarterback who winces in pain when he puts his socks on.
So, I thought of some QB swaps, expensive loser for expensive loser.
Arizona Cardinals For Kyler Murray
Kyler Murray is the perfect quarterback for Miami.
The man won’t be tempted by the nightlife.
His Call of Duty clan plays at midnight.
He’s gotta be in front of the Xbox by 11 to practice by himself for an hour while his coaches blow up his phone, having just checked the logs and noticed Kyler’s put in 0 minutes watching film that week.
Miami’s entire offensive attack is hinged on speed but bolted down by the slowest QB in the NFL.
Kyler Murray doesn’t need to know plays.
Just chuck it to Tyreek down there somewhere.
Cleveland Browns For Deshaun Watson
I’m nervous sending Deshaun to Miami. He might catch a charge just moving into a Miami home. Have you seen the realtors down there? Deshaun is going to trick a Cuban real estate agent into a house showing at night, only to bust out the Diddy baby oil and open up his trench coat to flash her.
However, I’m assuming that poison is out of his system.
He was publicly humiliated.
Lost millions.
Got married.
If Deshaun Watson is mentally locked in and spiritually forgiven himself, as well as those who rightfully mocked him, and he’s ready to be a Pro Bowl QB again, Mike McDaniel could save his career.
Atlanta Falcons For Kirk Cousins
Last season, Kirk Cousins looked like he was playing in socks on wet grass, his first priority keeping himself upright, then, lastly, passing to open receivers.
Last week, Kirk Cousins led the Atlanta Falcons to a comeback upset victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Here’s what he did against the Bucs:
- 373 passing yards
- 3 touchdowns
- 30-for-44
- 68.2% completion percentage
- 117.0 passer rating
Kirk made Kyle Pitts look like prime Tony Gonzalez.
Kyle Pitts and Kirk Cousins looking like prime Brady and Gronk tonight 👀
3 TOUCHDOWN for #Falcons KYLE PITTS pic.twitter.com/c24WirA7OE
— Hailmarypass (@Hailmarypass_) December 12, 2025
Atlanta still needs to find out if Michael Penix can ball.
Give Kirk Cousins a farewell season in Miami. Let’s test that Christianity.
Las Vegas Raiders For Geno Smith
Geno Smith and Tua Tagovailoa are fighting to lead the league in interceptions.
Just swap the garbage. It doesn’t matter.
Neither team will be good anytime soon.
Who cares?
Cincinnati Bengals For Joe Burrow
Let me sneak an interesting one in here.
This is a little out there but if you wanted to read the same generic stuff around else is writing then you wouldn’t still be here.
Walk with me.
I know it doesn’t make sense for Cincinnati to trade the best QB in their franchise’s history, especially within the same conference.
But Joe Burrow’s having a midlife crisis…
Heartbreaking: Bengals superstar QB Joe Burrow revealed that he’s dealing with personal issues and is going through a lot on the field.
“There are just a lot of things going on right now. A lot of things are going on.”
This does not sound good at all… pic.twitter.com/Wh12GWghAT
— Dov Kleiman (@NFL_DovKleiman) December 10, 2025
What if the combination of Bengals ownership never being able to find his wallet when the waiter drops the bill on the table, the team missing the playoffs back-to-back seasons and Joe Burrow’s inability to stay healthy, plus his sudden lack of interest in the game, leads to the blowing up of the Bengals this offseason?
#Tank4Tua can evolve to #TankWithTua
With the 2026 NFL QB class looking, light, Tua can lead the 2026 Bengals to the top of the 2027 NFL Draft.
Patrick Mahomes Tearing His ACL Was The Big Thing That Could Happen
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