in Featured, NFL

2024 NFL Week 1 Awards

From Tyreek Hill casually becoming a political statistic to Will Levis channeling his inner Carson Wentz to Deshaun Watson sucking. Here are your NFL Week 1 awards

nfl week 1

All weekend, I was trying to figure out how I’d talk about the NFL every week. How can I effectively speak about all the games I obsessively watched all Sunday?

There’s only one thing to do: give random, made-up, meaningless awards. Duh.

So here are the first official Deadseirousness NFL Week 1 Awards:

The Disaster Class Award: Cincinnati Bengals

nfl week 2

The Cincinnati Bengals are playing for a Super Bowl this year.

The New England Patriots are playing for a Super Bowl…in like, 2027.

Joe Burrow should be an MVP candidate. Jacoby Brissett should be an Uber driver.

But the Patriots sailed into Cincinnati and took a 16-10 victory off the Bengals.

The vibes are odorous in Cincinnati.

Ja’Marr Chase is fake coughing at meetings, pretending to be sick until he gets paid one more nickel than whoever was paid most recently.

Joe Burrow is pretending his wrist isn’t broken like Banks in Mighty Ducks 2 after the evil Iceland player slashed the shit out of him.

The Bengals went to a Super Bowl back when half the league missed time quarantining during a global plague. I’m not saying their window has closed. I’m saying they’re in a windowless room.

The Red Zone MVP Award: Anthony Richardson

nfl week 1

When Star Wars: The Force Awakens came out in 2015, some fans found Rey too unrealistic a protagonist. She was labeled a “Mary Sue” for her ability to immediately master being a Jedi without any training and not much effort at all.

Prior to Week 1 against the Texans, Anthony Richardson had only started 17 total games dating back to his senior year of high school.

He’s started 17 games.

Ever.

And then he just casually does shit like this:

My man SLIPPED dropping back and still managed to launch a football into outer space that dropped directly into the arms of his receiver in the endzone.

Anthony Richardson is the real Mary Sue here.

17 games and he can perfectly hurl a football from one end of the field to the other after slipping on a banana peel.

If I started 17 games and was just asked to start an NFL game against Danielle Hunter and Will Anderson Jr, I’d be in the hospital before the first Will Ferrell Nationwide Insurance commercial.

Richardson, a mutant with healing powers whose skeleton was covered in adamantium by Weapon X experiments, can do this too:

If you watch Red Zone, expect frequent cuts to the Colts for jaw-dropping plays where Anthony Richardson throws a ball 90 yards in the air and somehow lands under the pass himself for the touchdown.

I’m here to watch Richardson throw a football over them mountains.

The “Colin Kaepernick Had Some Good Points” Award: Tyreek Hill

nfl week 1

Tyreek Hill is a man I have zero things in common with. He is faster, more athletic, unbelievably talented, rich, confident, people like him and he’s surrounded by pregnant women at all times.

Nothing alike.

Sunday morning, Tyreek and I finally had something in common—waking up late and speeding to work—and then he got weird, reminding me once again that he and I are nothing alike. After overzealous police officers handcuffed and slapped him around for driving too fast or too recklessly or too black, Tyreek said “I wanna be a cop one day”.

Very cool.

If Tyreek wasn’t an NFL star, yesterday would’ve ended with a hashtag and a march.

And he cannot wait til he’s done playing football so he can get the opportunity to also harass and attack random people.

Absolutely zero things in common.

The “He Can’t Keep Getting Away With This” Award: Demarcus Lawrence

nfl week 1

Death.

Taxes.

DeMarcus Lawrence recording 2 sacks and double-digit QB pressures.

DeMarcus Lawrence was drafted a decade ago and he’s on pace to have the best season of his career.


As long as the Cowboys play against the Browns every week.

The “Ex Who Is Dating Someone WAY Hotter Than You Award: Saquon Barkley

nfl week 1

Saquon on the Giants never made sense until he left and I realized Saquon was the only good thing the Giants offense had.

Barkley had 26 touches for 132 yards and 3 total touchdowns. Decent.

Total touchdowns Week 1:

Saquon Barkley: 3

New York Giants: 0

[the most sarcastic voice anyone’s ever heard] I am so happy for him.

The “Bro, You HAVE To Stop Sexually Assaulting People” Award: Deshaun Watsonnfl week 1

I wasn’t even going to talk about Deshaun Watson this week. I figured he would suck all season so I’d get plenty of opportunities to go in on the absolute worst quarterback in the NFL—who looks like the game is moving at 2x speed for him as he panics and launches footballs over his receivers’ heads.

But before I finished this article, it was reported that a NEW lady has come out, accusing Deshaun Watson of yet another sex crime.

Let’s just take a look at the details (this guy sucks):

The lawsuit states that Watson met the woman, a single mother, at a Houston restaurant and bar, managed to get her phone number and initially attempted to have her meet him at the Houston Galleria for a date. Reluctant to meet Watson in public, the woman instead agreed to a dinner date at her apartment, according to the lawsuit.

On the evening of the date, according to the lawsuit, she said Watson had trouble finding her apartment and began aggressively yelling and screaming at her on the phone, saying he didn’t “have time for this.”

The lawsuit alleges that, while applying makeup in her bathroom, the woman then found Watson “completely naked on her bed, lying face down on his stomach.” Watson then requested the woman massage his buttocks and the woman “tried to appease Watson by rubbing his back, rather than his buttocks,” according to the lawsuit.

Watson then turned over and “continued to demand that Jane Doe massage him, gesturing from his knees to his groin,” according to the lawsuit. The woman told Watson that she was not a masseuse, to which Watson asked her what she wanted to do instead, the suit alleges.

Before the woman could answer, Watson “partially disrobed Jane Doe and penetrated her vagina without consent, implicit or explicit,” according to the lawsuit, which also alleges that Watson sexually assaulted the woman for several minutes before she escaped and grabbed a heavy piece of decor for self-defense. Watson then “stormed out of Jane Doe’s apartment,” according to the lawsuit. (ESPN)

Suuuuuper not cool night, man.

Perhaps this gets Cleveland out of his contract. Maybe not. But I don’t know how the coaching staff can watch these guys ready to run through a wall for Jameis Winston only to sit him on the bench and let the weirdo go out there and play like my dad used to on Madden when he couldn’t figure out the PlayStation controls.

The Carson Wentz Award For Cartoonish Hijinks: Will Levis

nfl week 1

Will Levis has quickly become one of my favorite quarterbacks. Anything can happen when he drops back to pass. A perfectly tossed 60-yard bomb to the corner of the endzone where only his receiver had a chance to catch it or a screen pass throw directly into the helmet of a defensive tackle for a pick-six with the ball stuck in his facemask.

Incredible Carson Wentz tribute. Run directly toward the pass rush to force contact so you can have a heroic moment that ends with the other team scoring points.

I’m creating a petition to stop the Titans from ever benching Will Levis. NFL Sundays need him.

The “We Really Need To Improve Stadium Security” Award: Raiders/Chargers

nfl week 1

Every time I open Twitter, I see a new video of Chargers and Raiders fans manhandling each other with not a single security guard in sight.

I swear I have never seen this many clips of dudes bunching ladies in the face. If Andrew Tate starts popping up on my timeline, I’m filing lawsuits against Roger Goodell.

Although, I guess I’d have wayyyyy more pageviews if I started like, quoting Jordan Peterson.

I dropped too many weird names here. My SEO is about to be in hell.

The “Get OUT OF HERE” Award: Daniel Jones

daniel jones

It’s so over.

Daniel Jones sucks.

It’s his 6th NFL season and he cannot figure out what opposing defenses are doing. He holds the ball too long and looks terrified all game. Daniel Jones plays like his dad told him, moments before the game, that he’ll disown him if he makes a mistake.

There are so many quarterbacks available.

Ryan Tannehill is a free agent. Jameis Winston and Joe Flacco are on benches doing nothing right now. Tom Brady would be a better thrower than he is a broadcaster so far.

Shit, there are 2 other QBs on THIS TEAM ALREADY.

Enough with the Daniel Jones shit.

At one point, Brian Daboll called direct run plays for Jones, just turning him into a wrecking ball out of frustration. The Giants play-caller can’t even ask his quarterback to throw the ball.

Enough.

 

Most Washed: Kirk Cousins

nfl week 1

The Atlanta Falcons were in the shotgun or pistol formation for 96% of their plays. Kirk Cousins’s achilles is so bad, the Falcons entire organizational game plan is designing ways for Kirk to stand still as much as possible.

The problem is, you end up being predictable when you run the same formation over and over, all game long. At one point, TJ Watt just knew their snap counts and was in the backfield before the Falcon’s linemen could get out of their stances.

It’s the finish line. Go get that TJ Maxx commercial money and spend time with your family. It’s strange you moved to Atlanta to hang with a bunch of 20-year-olds. Once they stop checking your ID, it’s time to go home.

Biggest Scammer: Bo Nix

nfl week 1

Sean Payton has to be one of the most respected coaches on the planet because the NFL broadcaster whose opinions you value the most will tell you how great Bo Nix looked on Sunday when he threw every pass at the line of scrimmage and the two times he threw the ball 15+ yards, it ended up in the hands of a defender.

Bo Nix looks like the star of a Netflix series about college football. Like, the type of show your aunt or uncle is surprised you don’t watch when they ask you about it during the holidays and then proceed to tell you how much better season 8 was compared to season 6.

Bo Nix is the BEST quarterback when it comes to throwing the ball to receivers who are very close by.

Biggest Balls: Josh Allen


The Buffalo Bills should not have beaten the Arizona Cardinals but Josh Allen does not follow the laws of time and space. Josh Allen wanted to win so he simply manipulated the outcome in his favor. Duh.

Biggest Coward: Antonio Pierce

antonio pierce

Antonio Pierce is all about smash-mouth football and dominating the line of scrimmage and punching the other team in the mouth and other mouth-banging cliches.

That was all a lie. Antonio Pierce is actually a big, gigantic wuss.

Down 6 points on 4th and 1 on the Chargers side of the field with 7 minutes left in the game. Antonio Pierce punted the ball.

Disgusting.

Treason.

Hot Take Overreaction: Caleb Williams Sucks

14-for-29 with 93 yards. Not even a hot take. Caleb Williams sucks. Maybe he’ll end up being the greatest ever but 1 game into his NFL career, he looks like dogshit with nail polish.

Biggest Winner: Dak Prescott


Ya know, I used to hate Dak Prescott. He gave off big dork vibes and well, plays for the Dallas Cowboys. Nothing worse than that.

But he’s really improved as a passer, transforming himself into the quarterback worthy of securing a quarter-billy like, an hour before the Week 1 Sunday kickoffs.

That’s about the most positive I can be about Dakota. Let’s keep it moving.

Biggest Loser: JJ McCarthy

nfl week 1

This week, all of the best QBs showed out. From Patrick Mahomes to Josh Allen to Sam Darnold, all the stars were out. Darnold completed 79% of his passes for 208 yards for 2 touchdowns against a pretty good Giants defense.

As we all expected, Sam Darnold played like a Top 5 QB.

JJ McCarthy has become the next Trey Lance. Sam Darnold is the new face of the Minnesota Vikings. Good luck on the Panthers in 2 years, JJ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Let me know what awards to give out next week.  Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee. 

 

Written by thelesterlee

Creator of Deadseriousness. Diehard Knicks, Yankees and Giants fan who wants to create a sports and pop culture space that isn't the same copy and pasted AI content you see everywhere else.

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