17 Biggest Winners and Losers of Super Bowl LVIII

It feels like we all just witnessed one of the greatest Super Bowls of all time. From the drama to the star power to the Halftime Show to the game-winning drive, Super Bowl LVIII was an adventure. Ben Affleck danced his ass off. HER became the single coolest human on Earth. Kyle Shanahan wore his freshly ironed snapback hat.

And with every big event there are winners and there are certainly losers.

Let’s start with the Super Bowl LVIII winners:

1. Taylor Swift

Can you imagine how annoying Monday afternoon would be if the Chiefs lost this Super Bowl?

It would start with people jokingly blaming Taylor Swift for cursing the Kansas City Chiefs mixed with people who genuinely believe Taylor Swift cursed the Chiefs mixed with people who would say Taylor Swift cursed the Kansas City Chiefs because they’ve built online audiences and relevance by being pessimistic, ‘anti-woke’ reactionaries and people making fun of the last two types of people I mentioned mixed with the people who are only seeing the sarcastic Taylor Swift takes but angrily responding like they’re fighting against years of misogyny and just the worst discourse in the history of history.

Instead, Taylor Swift got to participate in one of the most dramatic Super Bowls of all time and have a romantic smooch with her star boyfriend before they inevitably fight later when he drinks too much and doesn’t want to leave the Super Bowl party yet while Taylor Swift’s private jet is running outside the venue with Ice Spice inside drooling and doodling on the walls with crayons.

2. Patrick Mahomes

3 Super Bowls
3 Super Bowl MVPs
2-time NFL MVP
3-time All-Pro
6-time All-Star

Leading the Chiefs to a game-tying field goal in the final 2 minutes of the game. Walking the 49ers defense down to the goal line, down 3 points in overtime and hitting Mecole Hardman in the endzone for a 3-yard touchdown and a Super Bowl ring.

Patrick Mahomes is an absolute sicko, man. In last year’s Super Bowl, I swear I watched his ankle snap into smithereens and this maniac jogged back onto the field and won the game on one leg. This year, his team melted under pressure with stupid penalties and sideline meltdowns but none of it mattered because the Chiefs have Mahomes.

We are witnessing the Michael Jordan of the NFL

3. Usher

Usher spent the year running a mega-successful Las Vegas residency in which he’d sing and dance his ass off and then flirt with your spouse, ya know, as a treat. You get a show, he gets to grope your lady. Fair is fair, after all.

I figured the show would be decent but I did not expect an all-time great performance like the one we got at Super Bowl LVIII. I mean, look at the last few years. Rihanna was pregnant trying her best but ya know. Shrug.

Eminem, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg rushed through like 8 songs in 8 minutes.

The Weeknd was there. Whatever.

Shakira had a Jennifer Lopez-sized anchor around her neck.

And I genuinely do not remember Maroon 5 or Justin Timberlake ¹

Godspeed to next year’s performer. If you’re not roller skating or BMX biking or some shit then don’t even bother coming out of your dressing room. A precedent has been set.

4. Fullbacks

Growing up, every team had a fullback and ran the I-formation. Guys like Lorenzo Neal and Tony Richardson were crucial to a team’s offense. Playing Madden, that FB Dive was an automatic first down on 4th and 1.

Mike Alstott was king.

But college football phased them out for more spread offenses with multiple receivers split out wide and they say the NFL is a copycat league so offensive coordinators adopted these college offenses making fullbacks the dodo birds of football.

But Kyle Shanahan and Kyle Juszczyk are determined to bring back Pluto. Don’t be shocked when fullbacks slowly start trickling back into the game.

5. Jauan Jennings

Jauan Jennings threw for a pass for a touchdown and caught a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl. the Nick Foles special.

JAUAN. JENNINGS. @SuperBowl TD THROW.#GBO 🍊

pic.twitter.com/gUVycSGe7I

— Tennessee Football (@Vol_Football) February 12, 2024

A once in a lifetime performance in a loss that football fans may forget over time but real, die-hard 49ers fans ever will. He’s a legend in the bay like Mac Dre now.

And I can’t not point out that this wide receiver was a better quarterback recruit than his own teammate, Sam Darnold.

Jauan Jennings was the #5 QB recruit coming out of HS (they switched him to WR at Tennessee) pic.twitter.com/6B13QX3NXA

— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) February 12, 2024

There was a recent rumor that the Minnesota Vikings were interested in Sam Darnold if they couldn’t figure out a deal with Kirk Cousins. But maybe they should be going after Jauan Jennings instead.

6. Temu

I reckon all advertisements are some form of propaganda but those Temu Super Bowl ads seemed extra sketchy. Temu is essentially a digital dollar store. Super Bowl ads cost millions of dollars and Temu had ads showing seemingly every commercial break.

What ungodly violations are going down within this company that allows it to churn out a bunch of $2 garbage products but somehow pay for ad time during the biggest event in the world? Somebody call OSHA or a SWAT team or something. Somewhere in the world, a child with a heart condition and no memory of what the sun looks like is sloppily putting together a $1.78 necklace that’ll turn your neck green.

But we’re talking about Temu and that’s a win for a company that may somehow be even more evil than Amazon.

7. Dre Greenlaw

Dre Greenlaw is one of the 49ers biggest playmakers. You saw him make an unbelievable, game-saving interception a few weeks ago against the Green Bay Packers that helped get San Francisco to the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately, Greenlaw snapped his achilles just jogging onto the field.

49ers LB Dre Greenlaw now has been ruled out after suffering an Achilles injury here: pic.twitter.com/YNGx3DTXSe

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) February 12, 2024

Now, I know how strange it is to say a career-altering injury makes you a winner but he and all the 49ers fans can now say “The only reason the Chiefs won is because Greenlaw tore his achilles”. I’m sure Greenlaw was devasted he couldn’t be on the field to help but as time passes, he’s going to be able to start saying “YALL lost the Super Bowl, not me”.

Also there’s nothing funny about this type of injury, HOWEVER, it is hilarious that Greenlaw sat shotgun in the injury cart while the team trainer was laid out in the back like he was the one on the way to the ICU.

8. Darius Jackson

As mentioned earlier, Usher’s Las Vegas residency was huge this year. All the stars went out to see him sing Confessions and shit. But his biggest performance was when he was rubbing up on Keke Palmer leading to Keke and her boyfriend, Darius Jackson to break up.

Everyone made fun of Darius Jackson for being too sensitive.

And then Usher did this with Alicia Keys

MY BOO! @AliciaKeys @Usher #AppleMusicHalftime pic.twitter.com/DtjPVsxnPn

— NFL (@NFL) February 12, 2024

Suddenly, everyone is talking about how angry Swizz Beatz should be at Usher and somewhere in the world, Darius Jackson is pointing at his TV like Leonardo DiCaprio in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Tom Brady

Every passing year, Tom Brady’s GOAT argument becomes less and less compelling as Patrick Mahomes continues to stack Super Bowl trophies. At 28 years old, Mahomes is one pace to match, if not top, Brady’s 7 Super Bowl championships.

And we don’t even need to get into how Mahomes’s playstyle already makes him far more impressive of a quarterback than the statue who just hit 5-yard slants all game long. Mahomes had a huge 19-yard, game-winning scramble—a play Tom Brady was physically incapable of doing. Brady’s hamstring would’ve slapped the turf if he even attempted to juke a linebacker.

The only thing Brady has left is that he literally beat Mahomes in a Super Bowl but as more time passes, more people will start to discredit Brady and give more praise to his unstoppable pass rush.

Brady needs Mahomes to retire this week if he wants to still be considered the GOAT because those 7 rings will start to look like Bill Russell’s 11. No one thinks Bill Russell is the best basketball player because he has the most rings.

2. Brock Purdy dorks

You guys done yet? You weirdos who pretend Brock Purdy is worthy of MVP trophies and should be discussed like he’s one of the better quarterbacks in the league are you done pretending? And I don’t even think Purdy played poorly at all. But his limitations were loud and clear. He’s short with little baby sized hands and the football awkwardly squirts out of his hands, especially when he’s under pressure and his passes spike the turf 3 yards ahead of the line of scrimmage because he’s little.

He’s still the best quarterback San Francisco has had since Kaepernick but yea, he’s not Mahomes or Lamar Jackson or Josh Allen. He’s miniature Eli Manning

Also real quick bonus loser:

3. Anna Frey

Meet Anna Frey, the girl who parlayed looking like the 18th-best quarterback in the NFL into clout. If you search her name, she’s described as a ‘tennis star’ and ‘tiktok sensation’ with zero clips of her playing tennis or doing anything interesting on TikTok.

Normally I’d say a scammer at this level is a winner but again, we’re talking about a girl who’s famous for looking like Brock Purdy. My man might not even be in the NFL next season. You hitched your wagon to a loser, therefore, you too, are a loser.

4. Kyle Shanahan

At a certain point, we need to start treating Kyle Shanahan like the NFL’s Doc Rivers. The guy can win a bajillion regular season games but when the games matter most, his teams shrivel up and lose. Shanahan has now coached in THREE Super Bowls where his team gave up a double-digit lead.

There is a story out today that the Kansas City Chiefs prepared for the Super Bowl overtime rules in TRAINING CAMP while the San Francisco 49ers team didn’t know that the overtime rules were different in the playoffs than in the regular season. The 49ers thought if you score a touchdown you win but playoff overtime has ‘quarters’ that allows both teams the opportunity to score. The 49ers should’ve let the Chiefs get the ball first in OT so they could match or top whatever Kansas City did.

That did not occur.

Kyle Shanahan is all about pre-snap motion and snapback hats. If I were to shoot him some bail, I’d say EVERYONE loses to Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes. He’s just happened to do it 3 times and 3 uniquely different ways.

5. Jets

You never want to trade someone halfway through the season and then see him score the Super Bowl-winning touchdown.

MAHOMES TO MECOLE HARDMAN FOR THE LOMBARDI 😱🤯

(via @NFL)
pic.twitter.com/lPVwGBasQj

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) February 12, 2024

J-ET-S JETS JETS JETS

6. George Kittle

Kittle had 2 catches for 4 yards. For a guy who is considered one of the top tight ends right behind Travis Kelce, you’d think he’d have more than 2 catches for 4 yards in the Super Bowl. I understand Kittle has far more responsibilities in the run game as a blocker than Travis Kelce does but you have to make more of an impact than 4 yards.

7. Jackson Mahomes

A couple years ago, Jackson Mahomes was all over the place doing the lamest TikTok dances in appropriate places and we all had to deal with it because his brother is the GOAT. But thanks to an overinflated ego and the strange belief he was important, Jackson ended up sexually harassing a woman and slowly being removed from his brother’s entourage.

It’s gotten so bad that Patrick’s wife is out here pretending to not know who he is:

Jackson Mahomes got denied trying to get to Brittany Mahomes’ table pic.twitter.com/MApQL6RNsp

— Historic Vids (@historyinmemes) February 12, 2024

Jackson Mahomes could’ve been doing TikTok dances with Taylor Swift and Ice Spice and instead, he’s not even allowed near them and has to drive his drunk dad home being his license is suspended.

8. Ice Spice

Ice Spice is having a generational run without any of the generational talent. Nothing but respect to her. She somehow managed to join Taylor Swift’s entourage and watched Super Bowl LVIII in the suite with her and the Kelce’s.

And man did she look like she’s never seen a sporting event in her life. Every camera cut to Taylor Swift had Ice Spice in the background being taught the sport of football while she looked like every single thing was going in one ear and dying before it reached her brain.

she fuckin them nails UP girl i know the feeling i fear she’s too real pic.twitter.com/z9vTCXHjzc

— kimani🍾 (@onthattightrope) February 11, 2024

9. ME

I don’t have CBS. Have you ever heard your buddy talking about Deadseriousness? Exactly. I can’t afford cable. I use the lovely CBS sports app and when the game ended, they started playing CBS’s new show, Tracker. One of those generic CBS shows like CSI or whatever and I’m ashamed to say, I Tracker had my attention.

And then it turned off and I realized I was only watching a little minute preview before it cut to the CBS sports postgame show.

I’m disgusted with myself. Not only did I stop what I was doing to watch TRACKER but I was disappointed when it cut off.

I have become my dad just watching CBS programming starring ‘plain white guy no. 2’. I am WASHED. It’s over for me.

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