thelesterlee
Comedy Central roasts were dope. Sometimes. Go watch the Bob Saget and Joan Rivers roasts—A+’s. But Comedy Central isn’t really a thing anymore and stand-up comedy in general sort of fell off a cliff thanks to comedians being either too terrified to tell jokes in fear of imaginary internet scorn or too lazy to work around a culture where just being racist or sexist or homophobic wasn’t enough to make audiences laugh like it used to.
But roasts are a cheat code.
It’s a one-night event where saying the most depraved shit gets rewarded. The grosser the better. Netflix made a genius move restoring the vibes. Comedy is back and the first victim is the 2nd greatest quarterback of all time behind Patrick Mahomes—Thomas Brady.
I think I missed the first 15 or so minutes before I realized this was a live event happening in real-time on Netflix but I can’t imagine a future version of myself looking back at life and thinking to myself “god, I just wish I watched more Jeff Ross roasts when I had the chance”.
But anyway, it was cool to see the Kia Forum PACKED with people pretending to like Dana White.
Let’s start with the winners of the Tom Brady roast.
1. Tom Brady
I don’t know if Tom Brady necessarily needs positive press going into his new broadcasting gig but I reckon it helps familiarize him with non-football fans. Building Tom’s celebrity brand will only help his ratings and the way people perceive his work at Fox. There’s no doubt being more likable will give him more praise as a broadcaster.
2. Kevin Hart
For as much as we all sort of rolled our eyes a few years ago at the frequency in which Kevin Hart was stapled to our television screens by the powers that be—all these years later and this roast could not ask for a steadier hand to lead this live Netflix event.
Jeff Ross 100000% believed he would be the host and face of this new franchise but Kevin Hart is truly the ultimate plug-and-play comedian.
Kevin Hart’s price just went up. He can do experimental live hosting for you now. Next time some weirdo tries to tightrope across two skyscrapers live on NBC, guess who’s hosting?
3. Nikki Glaser
Nikki Glaser is a vet in the game so I wasn’t shocked she had the best set of the night. It just sucks that back in the old Comedy Central days, someone no one’s heard of before like Whitney Cummings would show up, say the most disgusting jokes they could conceive of, and then walk off set with 2 TV shows in development.
I don’t think we’re about to see the Nikki Glaser show any time soon. But everyone go stream her new special on HBO. She earned an hour of your time.
4. Drew Bledsoe
I’ve never really had an opinion on Drew Bledsoe. He always looked like someone who would call the cops and give the dispatcher my license plate if I played rap music too loud with my windows down. But I reckon Drew has a tough chin to handle his namesake being singularly attached to Tom Brady taking his job. If I were Drew Bledsoe, I would’ve changed my name and facial features by now but Bledsoe seems to have come to terms with his NFL career. Good for him. I’d be on suicide watch 24/7.
5. Peyton Manning
Man, Peyton is so comfortable in front of a camera. It’s insane both he and Brady will be in the media this upcoming season when one man is a sociopath who doesn’t seem to understand human behavior and the other is Eli’s brother.
6. Bill Belichick
Bill Belichick seems like a strange autistic man who’s sacrificed everything in his life to be the greatest football coach ever and now that football has been taken away from him, and there’s a documentary on Apple TV just shitting on him, we are witnessing a man who must find new meaning in what’s left in his time on Earth.
It was dope to see how appreciative Bill is to his former players. He’s fully aware of what he demanded from them and what they accomplished together. I’m sure it meant a lot to the guys in attendance. Everyone loves Bill (except Robert Kraft).
And now, onto the Losers…
1. Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian being on the ground floor for a new annual Netflix live roast tradition makes sense on paper. Until you arrive and uncork decades worth of the same tired Kim Kardashian jokes except this time, there’s an insane, Nazi-brained ex-husband involved and now you absolutely have to go home and deal with the consequences of Tom Brady making a Kanye West joke. Kim destroyed her piece to make a guest appearance at a roast.
WHY DID TOM BRADY JUST FRY KIM K AND KANYE LMFAOOOOOO pic.twitter.com/alJZHZiBsA
— John (@YaBoyyyJohn) May 6, 2024
2. Randy Moss
I was under the impression Randy Moss was a funny, charming man until he went on stage without a single funny thing to say in front of some Barstool employees, comedians like Shane Gillis who were in attendance but were not invited onto this roast and a bunch of their agents who 1000% waited around after it was all over to put in the word for their clients. Still insane Kim Kardashian showed up to this as if she needed to like, update her standing amongst male sports fans as they are now all Swift-pilled.
3. Ben Affleck
Randy Moss would have been the worst one of the night if it weren’t for Ben Affleck randomly showing up at the end between bathroom stall key bumps.
4. Robert Kraft
Tough look when everyone in the room is open to be mocked outside of the elderly man, one fall down the stairs from a lawyer reading his will. Robert Kraft also felt like a worm in the midst of an extended midlife crisis. We don’t talk enough about Bill Belichick overcoming Bobby Kraft’s bullshit. We mock owners who meddle too much in the day-to-day team affairs yet Kraft has been interfering with the Patriots for years without anyone caring. The Patriots don’t even have a general manager right now and no one cares.
5. Losers
Yes, losers are the losers of the Tom Brady roast. The people who were celebrating the use of slurs and the R-word are straight-up dorks. Do you guys even like things? Or is your entire personality just being a contrarian and an agitator? The roast was funny. We can all enjoy it without hyper-focusing on the inappropriate jokes because that is an insane way to consume comedy. Go outside. Seriously, you have to log off. Text your daughter. Maybe she’ll answer this time.
6. Tom Brady
All night, I could not stop whispering to myself “Tom Brady looks terribleeeee”, which was a fascinating contrast to how often people told him how handsome he was. Tom Brady’s face looks like it’s controlled by a remote that activates a series of thousands of tiny little gears, allowing him to emote when appropriate to do so.
It was kind of sad to see, especially compared to all of his former teammates who, ya know, all look like regular human beings.
Tom Brady looks insane and spent the night dragging the mother of his children for a room full of strangers. This is the most middle aged divorced shit ever. I 1000% understand why Gisele left.
What are your thoughts on the Tom Brady roast? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
