After Wrestlemania, I said I was out on WWE.
Then I saw this clip this morning…
After a year of failure & plummeting ratings under a Cody Rhodes championship reign, it’s time for marks to accept reality:
WWE needs to put a rocket on Logan Paul and position him as the top star in the company if pro wrestling is to survive.#SmackDownpic.twitter.com/yYBZ3FtZDu
— Stephen JKD (@theStephenJKD) June 7, 2025
What a silly television program.
In a just world—where WWE cares about their fans as well as their talent—this episode of Smackdown would’ve ended with Bron Breakker and Carmelo Hayes holding up the World Championships.
Still, unfortunately, we live in this reality where you only matter if you have a million social media followers or star in movies.
I could get on my soapbox about corportations destroying art or I can take my bread and circuses and shut the fuck up.
Thankfully, AEW exists if I want to watch incredible, athletic, 100mph wrestling matches with smart, clever storytelling.
WWE, however, is now a spectacle, not to be taken seriously—but to be gawked at.
I don’t want to preview the whole show. And I say “whole” sarcastically because there are only 4 matches on the entire card (and somehow, it’ll still be a 5 hour event full of Prime drink ads.)
Instead of pretending to care about the John Cena match and Becky Lynch adding the Intercontinental Title to her resume for no reason—let’s look at the two Money in the Bank matches and rank every participant based on who “should” win—before I give my prediction of who actually will.
Let’s start with the Men’s MITB match.
1. LA Knight
There is nothing WWE loves more than waiting too long to reward a superstar for becoming a fan favorite.
LA Knight should’ve won this shit last year but nope, they had to reward Drew McIntyre a year too late—only for him to ultimately cash it in and lose.
Cool.
Totally worth it.
LA Knight is never winning a Royal Rumble. He’ll never have a real, true World Championship reign despite holding the audience in the palm of his hands whenever he goes out there in his skinny jeans and biker cosplay vest.
2. Solo Sikoa
Every clip I see of Solo Sikoa is fantastic character work. He’s pivoted from Roman Reigns’s enforcer to a goofy, leader of men who don’t respect him that much.
I love letting him lean into his inner Rikishi instead of trying to become Umaga.
R-Truth is gone.
WWE needs a new comedy act and Solo with the briefcase is that act.
3. Penta
Penta was the no. 1 entry in the Royal Rumble.
He’s only been in WWE for 6 months and he’s one of the coolest and most important stars on the show.
I already know he’ll be responsible for the most fun moments in this match—so why not reward him with the briefcase?
Once WWE put the belt on Jey Uso, they established that any motherfucker can be world champion if they sell enough t-shirts. PENTA is beloved. He walks cool.
penta shouldve done his lil cunty walk the whole ramp idc how long it took pic.twitter.com/owshV6pXB4
— bret hart respecter (@cmpunkyaoi) April 21, 2025
Nothing but respect for Mexican Razor Ramon.
4. Seth Rollins
Sure, whatever.
5. Andrade
We always want what we can’t have.
Andrade thought he’d return to WWE with fans waiting for his re-debut anddd no one really cared that much, leaving him to spend the last year and a half of his life wrestling Carmelo Hayes and Santos Escobar every week.
He probably took a pay cut to do it too.
But I’m not here to make fun of Andrade.
I just think him winning the Money in the Bank briefcase would be a death sentence for him, the way it was for Austin Theory.
There will never come a time when it’ll feel right to have him cash-in.
He’s not having a long, interesting World Championship reign anytime soon.
He’s here to go wrestle in the soon-to-be NXT Mexico
6. El Grande Americano
Nah man, get this shit out of here.
This whole bit feels super cringe.
In a country where a loud minority, ironically, of white losers believe any non-white man in any job position was handed that position solely because of their race or gender, El Grande Americano scratches an itch for a subset of fans WWE is not-so-subtly courting.
The whole character is a white guy not getting over, blaming Mexicans for taking his spot and pretending to be Mexican as some sort of proof that white people can do all that luchador shit better. This is a wet dream for the unemployed weirdos who live in Adin Ross’s live chat 24/7.
Who WWE will pick: Seth Rollins
Seth Rollins arguably has the greatest Money in the Bank cash in ever. Which means WWE will 1000% attempt to recreate that same moment again because original ideas may fail so let’s retread of, previously successful acts, because we know for sure it’ll maximize profits.
And now onto the ladieszzzzzzz
1. Giulia
Giulia is the best in-ring performer in the match. She should be in the midst of a Goldberg/Asuka-esque streak, winning every single match she’s in until she meets Jade Cargill in the main event of Wrestlemania but I’m just a tiny, insignificant man with massive, unattainable goals.
2. Naomi
With King and Queen of the Ring immediately following up Money in the Bank with the winner of those tournaments almost certainly becoming the next champions, the Money in the Bank briefcase is just a meme to be used as a comedy prop, leading to a short, meaningless title reign or a failure that goes viral as fans get pissed at Triple H for embaassing one of their faves.
Naomi would excel in either outcome. She can be the joke champion or she can fail to cash in, leading to a surge of Triple H racism allegations. It does not matter to this company. Any press is good press. The talent are just props to be used as walking billboards for Slim Jims and Dude Wipes.
Everything is meaningless.
3. Roxanne Perez
Roxanne Perez has really grown on me. She was the stand out of that Elimination Chamber match (outside of Bianca and Liv beating the dogshit out of each other).
There’s a Bryan Danielson super mega underdog babyface run in her some day. Running around with a briefcase is not the ideal way to start that run.
4. Stephanie Vaquer
I just want to quickly give Stephanie Vaquer all the credit in the world. WWE put a ton of pressure on this woman’s shoulders from Day One.
She’s wrestling a Money in the Bank match and a tag team match against AAA talent.
Vaquer was the face of NXT and I suspect WWE will only continue riding the workhorse until the wheels fall off.
She’ll be in the Queen of the Ring tournament. She’ll headline shows in Mexico. She’ll go on a podcast tour.
No doubt in my mind Roman Reigns is returning tonight to face off with Stephanie Vaquer.
5. Alexa Bliss
WWE has the most talented women’s roster in its company’s history.
Alexa Bliss is not included when I think of all these talented women.
I’m okay with just seeing her fall off a ladder or something.
Keep getting those checks as long as you can.
Shout out to Alexa Bliss, future TNA Knockouts Champion.
6. Rhea Ripley
Nah.
Who WWE will pick: Rhea Ripley
I don’t see why Rhea Ripley is even in this match if not to win it.
They can’t call up a bunch of new, talented women and let Rhea Ripley fade away into the occasional challenger who always loses.
That’s what Baley’s for.
Rhea’s face is still on the cover of every promotional material WWE disseminates.
Thanks for reading.
GIPHY App Key not set. Please check settings