In 2012, Wade Miley was The Prince Who Was Promised for the Arizona Diamondbacks. In a textbook definied “average” season, finishing 81-81, 25-year-old Wade Miley looked like the type of player a front office just pencils into their rotation for the next decade.
Here’s what Miley did back in ’12:
- 16 wins
- 11 losses
- 194.2 IP
- 3.33 ERA
- 144 Ks
- 37 BBs
- 122 ERA+
- 6.7 SO/9
- 1.182 WHIP
Wade Miley was an All-Star in the first full year of his Major League career and finished 2nd in the NL-Rookie of the Year behind Bryce Harper, one of the greatest players of his generation. Wade Miley wins rookie of the year, any other year, but he lost it to an alien.
Then, he kinda just got worse and worse every year. He went from a 3.33 ERA his rookie year, to 4.34 two years later and then 5.37 two years after that. He had one miracle season and turned into Top Golf, players traveling across the country to tee off on him.
That man just got his first win since 2023.
Thoughts on Wade Miley’s first start back with the #Reds?
5 IP, 3 ER, 5 H, 4 BB, 2 K
He leaves in line for the win pic.twitter.com/ncgiYRa4qR
— Chatterbox Sports (@CBoxSports) June 10, 2025
At 38 years old, very much looking his age, Wade Miley helped Cincinatti win the Ohio Cup against the Cleveland Guardians. He’s on his 7th team and his last molecule of oxygen. His ERA is 9.00 this year. Fucking 9.
We Have To Talk About The Cleveland Guardians
The Cleveland Guardians made it to the ALCS last season. Sure, they lost 4-1 to the New York Yankees but Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton and Juan Soto combined for 9 homers while Carlos Rodon levitated above the mound, eyes rolled in the back of his head, whiffing 15 batters in 2 starts.
Whatever.
Your sharpen your blades, jog up and down a very public flight of stairs (some sort of capitol building or town hall, etc.), ice your wounds and get ready for another war next season.
Right now Cleveland is 34-31 and 3rd place in the NL Central. That looks like a decent record if you’re not paying close attention but they’d be 3rd or 4th in just about any other division in baseball. They’re not 3rd in the NL Central because two juggernauts are in front of them. It’s the fucking Twins.
Cleveland lost their last 2 series against the Astros and Yankees, they lost a series to the Dodgers two weeks ago and were swept by these same Cincinnati Reds on May 18th.
Their outfield is suspect, with 23-year-old centerfielder, Angel Martinez batting .235 and 27-year-old rightfielder Nolan Jones batting .215 with more strikeouts than hits.
And it’s not even like they’re in the game for their defense. I would not trust either player to successfully catch any pop-up hit above their heads. Those are the guys you hold your breath for.
Cleveland’s pitching is peepeepoopoo. Of all their pitchers who’ve logged 20+ innings pitched, only 3 of them have an ERA under 3.00. None of those under 3.00 ERA guys are in their starting rotation.
They just lost a pitching duel against Wade fucking Miley.
This team is made up primarily of AAA players who aren’t ready to compete at this level yet but have to because baseball owners treat their teams like annoying old cats they wish just die already.
And that’s how you get Wade Miley winning games in 2025, our last year on Earth.
Thanks for reading.
If you have ways to save the Guardians, hit me up. Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
