thelesterlee
Football is a brutal sport. Learned that on the first day of 7th grade practice. One Oklahoma drill had me gasping for air. When I suggest these players retire early, I’m speaking from experience.
Tua Tagovailoa suffered his 4th concussion on Thursday night following a collision with Damar Hamlin, a scene scripted by the devil.
It is impossible to play professional football when you end up on your back doing sign language any time a defender looks in your direction.
But to preserve some of Tua’s ego, let’s retire some other QBs so Tagovailoa doesn’t have to go through this alone.
Here are 5 other quarterbacks who should retire today:
1. Russell Wilson
Is Russ washed?
Last season in Denver, Russ threw for only 3,075 yards, the least of his career.
But he racked up 26 passing touchdowns—more than Justin Herbert, Matty Stafford, CJ Stroud and MVP Lamar Jackson. Wilson threw TWICE as many touchdown passes as every Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback combined.
Going into the season, Russ was an objective upgrade over Kenny Pickett.
But the Lord may be telling Russ it’s time to hang it up, This calf injury has allowed Justin Fields to go out there and make the most of this stolen opportunity.
Justin Fields made a few cool throws in Week 1 pic.twitter.com/3tPu7PcB6J
— Ian Hartitz (@Ihartitz) September 10, 2024
Russell Wilson, a man whose entire personality is puppeteered by the weight of his brand, should just pretend like his injury is career-ending and ride off into the sunset before he gets named the QB1 again and throws for 98 yards in a meek, timid, gutless, bitch-made effort.
Russ had his time at the top of the mountain. Time to pass the baton to Justin Fields and allow him a chance to know what it feels like to be king for a day. The future is now, old man.
2. Carson Wentz
Are we getting a Carson Wentz redemption story?
Carson Wentz’s NFL career is one bad practice away from its conclusion.
Currently serving as the backup quarterback behind Patrick Mahomes in Kansas City, at only 31 years old, Wentz is preparing himself for one last shot at being QB1 somewhere.
Spending last season with Sean McVay in LA and now Andy Reid, Wentz is traveling to quarterback Mecca, seeking the infinite wisdom of the quarterback healers. We’ve recently seen Sam Darnold return from the League of Shadows, ready to save Minneapolis.
But Carson Wentz stepping on rakes and slipping on banana peels and getting crushed by anvils is a special part of NFL Sundays for me.
Carson Wentz with an ugly interception to Sione Takitaki and he takes it the other way for a 50-yard #Browns TD. No excuses for this one.pic.twitter.com/XiwGL9Cpsy
— Ari Meirov (@MySportsUpdate) November 22, 2020
We need the circus jester to juggle his bowling pins and toss disgusting interceptions for our entertainment.
If I had a choice between Carson Wentz getting one final start where he throws 4 interceptions and his team loses by 50—OR—a game where he heroically leads his team back from a 3 touchdown deficit with one of the greatest passing performances in NFL history—I will always root for the interceptions.
Praying Wentz retires before Andy Reid reprograms him into an assassin. Save that happy ending shit for Deshaun Watson’s search history.
3. Mason Rudolph
Mason has a weird case, why is he around?
Hey, remember when Myles Garrett ripped off Mason Rudolph’s helmet and bashed him with it?
Crazy, right?
Okay, but do you remember when Myles Garrett claimed Mason called him a slur and we all kind of shrugged and moved on because guys like Adam Schefter wanted Garrett behind bars, sucking all the fun out of the situation?
That was 2019.
A lottttttt more player podcasts out now loaded with yappy men gossiping.
Eventually, in the not-so-distant-future, someone who heard the exchange between Garrett and Rudolph will tell the truth and an NFL organization will have to decide whether or not to keep the QB with the 36.2 career QBR.
I’m a huge fan of quitting before you’re fired.
Mason Rudolph should retire before Micah Parsons has Myles Garrett on his podcast and the two chatty patties turn Mason into a Joe Rogan guest.
4. Patrick Mahomes
Is Patrick Mahomes too good for the NFL?
Growing up, we were always able to have healthy debates, arguing over who we all thought was the best QB in the league. But for the last 6 years, Patrick Mahomes has robbed us of an American pastime. Gone are the Brady vs. Manning fights.
Patrick Mahomes is the objective best player on the planet and everyone is fighting for second place.
But what if Mahomes retires and shakes this whole shit up?
I reckon I’m biased, knowing all the content ideas that’ll trickle down from it but you try coming up with unique articles every single day. You’ll start wishing random nonsense like this happened too.
5. Caleb Williams
Is the NFL too hard for Caleb Williams?
Caleb Williams is supposed to be the next Patrick Mahomes. Then he went out there Week 1 to throw for 93 yards, completing only 48% of his passes and looking like 2023 Justin Fields with curlier hair.
Caleb Williams trying to scramble backwards in the nfl vs grown lmao this isn’t the pac 12 pic.twitter.com/PrCjlI1Hir
— John (@iam_johnw) September 8, 2024
What if he was just like “Nah, this is too tough for me. I’m out”?
It would be the funniest NFL story of my life.
Can you imagine all of the “back in my day” ass Ted Talks that will echo through ESPN programming all week? We’ll hear about participation trophies again.
Okay, actually, nevermind.
If Caleb Williams retires, Donald Trump will stand in front of 5,000 milk-drinkers and say Joe Biden ruined football and call Caleb trans because he wears nail polish. Okay, wait, it’s funny again.
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Which quarterbacks do you think should retire today? Leave a comment below. Respond on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at Deadseriousmailbag@gmail.com. Let’s chat, bay-beeeee.
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