Trevor Bauer is Going To Be a Wonderful Walmart Employee

Two weeks ago, Major League Baseball very quietly announced that Trevor Bauer’s suspension would be reduced from 324 games to 194 games thanks to an independent arbitrator which meant he was eligible to play immediately.

For those who forgot, Trevor Bauer was suspended because he sent a woman to the hospital during sex because he took things too far when a woman was at her most vulnerable.

Real predator shit.

The Los Angeles Dodgers decided to designate Bauer for assignment and remove him from the organization completely. It still feels strange writing these words. A player did an atrocious thing. The league significantly punished him and when the law stepped in to reduce that penalty, the team cut him.

Usually, the league and/or the team goes out of their way to defend the predator but MLB and the Dodgers were in lockstep to get that sociopath away from the baseball diamond.

Here’s what Rachel Luba—his agent and girlfriend and little girl who cosplays as an adult woman—said about Bauer being designated for assignment:

“While we are pleased that Mr. Bauer has been reinstated immediately, we disagree that any discipline should have been imposed. Mr. Bauer looks forward to his return to the field, where his goal remains to help his team win a World Series,”

Trevor Bauer hasn’t played since June 2021 and he still denies any wrongdoing.

By the way, here’s the face of the woman after her night with Bauer:

Yea, Bauer can’t play for the Dodgers.

But when a professional athlete gets punished for doing the most despicable shit, there is always a wave of people claiming he deserves a second chance and blah blah. And that’s absolutely correct.

Trevor Bauer deserves the right to earn a living regardless of whether or not he tricks women into sleeping with him and then beats the fucking life out of them because he watches too much porn and doesn’t treat women like actual real people.

That’s why Bauer is going to crush it at the local Walmart. I’m talking Employee of the Month. The fastest cashier like, you go to this Walmart and rush to check out line 8 because you know Bauer is the best at what he does.

And he’s not the best because he’s some cashiering beast but more so because the other cashier at the 12pm-8pm shift is an elderly woman who wears 3 facemasks and moves in slow motion because she threw her back out a decade ago and Walmart didn’t offer her health insurance after intentionally only scheduling her 39 hours instead of the required 40 hours that would make her a full-time employee.

Trevor Bauer would be the best cashier the same way he is technically a Cy Young winner despite only starting 11 games in a shortened Coronavirus season. He pitched 73 innings that season. That’s 100 fewer innings than Justin Verlander just pitched last season when he won the Cy Young. 11 more innings than Edwin Diaz who won the Relief Pitcher of the Year.

Oh, they also changed the schedule to reduce travel and opportunities for the players to catch Covid which meant the Cincinnati Reds only played games against the NL Central and the AL Central. He pitched against the Pirates, White Sox, Royals and Tigers. Those teams stink.

But congrats on the award, Trev.

It’s a shame the most annoying player in baseball who once harassed a teenage girl on Twitter —which is the behavior of a man who would turn an intimate experience with a woman into a trip to the hospital—can’t play for the Los Angeles Dodgers again BUT he has a long future of unloading trucks at Walmart and stocking the home goods aisle.