The Hawk Tuah Girl Should Get Life In Prison

If the ending of 2024 has shown us anything, it’s that us Americans aren’t lying down and allowing oligarchs to reign over our lives. From the Donald Trump assassination attempt to the UnitedHealthcare CEO getting gunned down in the middle of Manhattan in broad daylight—we are no longer letting the 1% tread on us.

Which is why the Hawk Tuah girl should be in handcuffs right now after the little bitcoin stunt she pulled this week, taking from the poor and giving to the Hawk Tuah.

Hailey Welch aka the chillest, most goofiest, most down to Earth, funniest celebrity of all time—aka Hawk Tuah Girl launched her own cryptocurrency named $HAWK, which dropped about $440 million in 20 minutes. The coin started at $500 million and in the blink of an eye, plummeted to just $60 million.

Memecoins like $HAWK or Elon Musk’s $DOGE exist as a way for celebrities and their fans to manufacture financial value through community, a shared sense of humor, and an overwhelming ability to live in an entirely unique reality from everyone else—a reality where spending actual money that could be used for groceries or cash in a birthday card is exchanged for fake money that can used to purchase zero things except access to an inside joke that isn’t very funny.

Hi @HalieyWelchX My $35,000 that I purchased of $Hawk is now $2,000 after 10 minutes of buying.

I am a huge fan of Hawk Tuah but you took my life savings.

I purchased your coin $Hawk that you were so excited about with my life savings and children’s college education fund as… pic.twitter.com/MRftQ2sT6g

— JIGGA.5mbK (@jiggadrin_) December 4, 2024

Welch, who described her new venture as “Hawkanomics,” watched the coin initially skyrocket to a $500 million valuation before plummeting to under $60 million, with people online alleging insider trading and “sniping” tactics, where early adopters monopolize tokens to drive up prices before cashing out.

OverHere, the team behind the launch of the memecoin, denied the accusations of insider trading. Welch said in a post on X, formerly Twitter, that “We tried to stop snipers as best we could through high fees,” which have since been dropped.

Blockchain data revealed that 96 percent of the token supply was held by just 10 addresses at launch, fueling allegations of foul play. Welch and her team said no tokens were sold by insiders during the launch. “The team hasn’t sold one token, and not one influencer was given any free tokens,” Welch wrote on X (formerly Twitter), addressing the claims. (Newsweek)

Always great when 96% of the token supply belongs to only a handful of people who can sell at any moment, completely tanking the token’s value. Very sound and safe investment.

Sure, every day a new celebrity has to issue an apology after launching their own little meme coins created by crypto scammers to trick celebrities who don’t have any understanding of this stupid market into lending their names and credibility to lure their gullible fans into wasting their disposable income on fake money.

But I thought Hawk Tuah Girl was different.

I took out a second mortgage on my home to pay for my $HAWK coins.

Spent my unborn children’s college funds.

Recycled every water bottle under my futon.

Put every nickel in my car’s cupholders in the grocery store coinstar machine, all so I could invest in this coin that was supposed to get me rich and the Hawk Tuah Girl robbed me.

I have to live in a motel for the foreseeable future because Hawk Tuah made me invest real dollars in exchange for fake play internet dollars.

She made me do it.

With her easy-to-draw looks and her hilarious podcast and all of her pictures on all of my walls.

I need a full Department of Justice investigation into this sham coin and until everyone’s money is returned, Hawk Tuah should be rotting in a jail cell.

She hurt me and took everything I had.

I will be tuning into the next episode of Talk Tuah though. Just for some tips on how to handle being a new celebrity and to hear what it’s like growing up without a dentist or whatever she talks about.

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