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The Game I Watched Yesterday: The Kansas City Chiefs Turn Baltimore Into Maria Sharapova

From Xavier Worthy becoming a star to Isaiah Likely stepping out of bounds lets talk about the Kansas City Chiefs Baltimore Ravens game

kansas city chiefs baltimore ravens

The Kansas City Chiefs ended the Baltimore Ravens 2023 season.

Lamar Jackson was the MVP—he should’ve been the most confident man on the field going into their AFC Championship game—but instead, Lamar played like he was trying to prove to US that he deserved it—that he was as great as Mahomes.

He lost.

Never go to work trying to prove people on Twitter wrong.


For years, the media attempted to create this rivalry between Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova when in reality, Serena beat her ass regularly and at no point in their careers did anyone actually believe Sharapova was better than Serena.

The Kansas City Chiefs and Baltimore Ravens will always be compared because of their MVP QBs and their shared conference but this is no rivalry.

On Thursday night, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the Baltimore Ravens 27-20 to start the campaign for the Three-peat 1-0.

Meanwhile, the Ravens failed to get revenge from last year’s playoffs and fell to 0-1, squandering a Lamar Jackson 122 rushing yards night while turning the referees into the main characters with nonstop penalties.

Ayyy, let’s talk about it.


MVP of the Game: Xavier Worthy

On draft night, the Bills and Chiefs made a trade to essentially swap picks. The pick Buffalo gave Kansas City ended up being Xavier Worthy, the guy who recorded the fastest 40-yard dash time in the history of the NFL Combine.

Rookie receiver Xavier Worthy had a 21-yard carry for a touchdown and a 35-yard touchdown reception. Turns out, giving the best quarterback of all time the fastest receiver of all time would result in positive results. Who knew?

I thought he’d be too small and frail to succeed at a high level but silly me. It doesn’t matter how tiny you are if you’re making defenders look the way The Flash makes his villains look when he stops their bank robberies.

Xavier Worthy has a Gameshark and he’s glitching his way down the field.

The moment the ball touches his fingers, he’s already 15 yards down the field.

Somewhere in the world, Kadarius Toney is murmuring to himself how much faster he is than Worthy before his shift manager tells him to knock it off and get back to scrubbing windows.


Play of the Game: Isaiah Likely’s foot on the line


On 3rd and goal with the clock running to zero, Lamar Jackson found Isaiah Likely in the back of the endzone for 6.

Except Likely’s foot was on the line and the Kansas City Chiefs stole the W.

Huge night for Isaiah Likely though, who has replaced Mark Andrews as Lamar’s favorite target. Look at this touchdown he scored by just refusing to be anywhere but the endzone.

Likely and Lamar are about to have a ridiculous season together. He and Zay Flowers are putting Lamar back in the MVP discussion. Ya know, assuming the Chiefs don’t just go 17-0 which is very much on the table.


Loser of the Game: John Harbaugh

Hey man, how many times do you let your offensive line commit illegal formation penalties before you step in and say something to your players?

Whether you believe the call is fair or not is irrelevant. The Baltimore Ravens were called for THREE illegal formation penalties in their opening drive. Ronnie Stanley committed 4 illegal penalties in the first half.

Not only do you have to immediately get your coach’s and player’s attention to MAKE SURE they are lined up properly but you have to be in the referee’s ears whining about the Chiefs who have Jawaan Taylor doing whatever he wants all game.

Jawaan Taylor is apparently allowed to line up wherever he’d like and jump snaps early whenever he chooses. I know he led the NFL with 17 penalties last season but it’s obvious the refs could’ve called like, 5,000 more.

Taylor is truly revolutionizing the tackle position. A generation of offensive linemen are being shown his film and being taught to cheat just like him.


What I learned: Brittany Mahomes is ruining it

Recently, Patrick Mahomes’s big-gummed wife has not-so-subtly soft-launched her Donald Trump support which in a vacuum is fine.

Personally, I believe Donald Trump is one of the worst humans ever. Voting for him is an indication that you care more about liberals losing than you do about the actual material needs of our citizens.

I’ll make fun of you for being a Trump supporter but at this point, it’s not worth like, “cancelling” someone. You’re allowed to like things I don’t like.

The problem is, Brittany Mahomes was linking up with Travis Kelce’s girl who happens to be the most famous woman on the planet and very much not a MAGA dork.

All Brittany had to do was nothing. Just keep showing off that nasty underbite and Taylor will take you on the private jet to feed Ice Spice caged up in the corner.

On Thursday night, Brittany Mahomes was nowhere near Taylor Swift’s suite.

I know some Trump geek is going to say to themselves “Brittany stood up for her beliefs and that’s better than being with Taylor Swift” and then they’ll throw in some strange comment about vaccines but honestly, no it’s not.

Life sucks.

If I had the opportunity to fly around the world with Taylor Swift, potentially meeting people I could never imagine myself ever being in a room with, I would choose that over liking Trump posts on Instagram. Like 11 times out of 10.

My logo is a literal hammer and sickle. I’ll change that shit in a heartbeat to some generic-ass D if Taylor Swift texted me right now like “Hey, wanna come to Ibiza for the weekend?” Are you kidding me?

Good luck with whatever it is you’re doing in Missouri, Brittany. I’m sure whatever shitty restaurant you invested in will run smoothly. Well, until you’re brother in law shows up drunk, frisky and ready to fondle.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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