4 games left.
The final lap.
After looking up and down the NFL Week 15 schedule, for like, a solid 4 Mississipis, here are the Most Important, Catastrophic, Alarming storylines:
1. The Eagles have to stomp the Raiders
The Las Vegas Raiders are Raidering [derogatory].
From my earliest memories of hearing John Madden glaze Brett Favre between Al Michaels burps, the Raiders have anointed self-serving egomaniacs complete control over football operations, and always, those cult leaders get weird, bending reality to force their artsy, stupid visions, prioritizing their specific personal aesthetics over scoring more points than the other team.
John Gruden traded Khalil Mack off vibes. There’s a reason he works for Dave Portnoy now.
As I scroll through the current Raiders coaching staff listed on their websie, at least 3 of them spent Thanksgiving eating at the same table; head coach Pete Carroll and his two “Please dad, I need a job. Cindy’s pregnant again” sons, Brennan Carroll, the run game coordinator (the Raiders rank dead fucking last in rushing) and Nate Carroll, the assistant QB coach (Raiders GB Geno Smith leads the NFL interceptions).
The Philadelphia Eagles have to put the Raiders down.
They’re the defending Super Bowl Champions coming off an embarrassing Monday Night Football overtime loss to the Chargers.
Jalen Hurts played like his significant other didn’t sleep at home the night before.
🚨🚨BREAKING NEWS🚨🚨#EAGLES QB JALEN HURTS IS THE FIRST QUARTERBACK IN #NFL HISTORY TO TURN OVER THE BALL TWICE IN ONE PLAY.
Jalen threw an interception and fumbled the ball in just one play.
This is something we may never see again.
pic.twitter.com/ckcq6ZevuT— MLFootball (@MLFootball) December 9, 2025
Jalen Hurts committed 5 turnovers, including 2 on the same play.
Justin Herbert underwent hand surgery on December 1st.
On December 7th, he thugged it out, ate 7 sacks funnelled through an offensive line comprised of a 7th round pick, two 6th rounders and Mehki Bection, who, outside of one magical early-aughts Disney movie season in Philadelphia, has been dogshit; currently ranking 77th of 80 in pass blocking.
Justin Herbert led the team in rushing. Threw a touchdown pass. Couldn’t brace himself on either his 7 sacks or 10 carries for 66 yards, given the aforementioned hand surgery.
Jalen Hurts had 3 bologna sandwiches on December 1st, then threw them all back up on December 7th, 4 interceptions and a fumble; went into a winnable game against a physically handicapped QB and a talently handicapped OL, drowned in the shallow end.
Turned the ball over 5 times, including a game-loser on the goal line in the final possession of overtime, played like Pablo Torre needs to look into massive spikes in DraftKings bets.
The Chargers won 22-19 in overtime.
One quarterback threw 46% of his passes, left the game a hero.
The other, 240 passing yards, some beautifully thrown balls, left the game with Eagles fans wondering what Tanner McKee or Sam Howell would look like throwing to AJ Brown. Can Nick Foles still throw the deep ball?
The Raiders 2-11, every employee in the building clocking in and clocking out, just trying to get to payday like you and I.
If this Eagles offense comes out, wrecking of sulfur, it’s a wrap on Philly’s season.
(Geno Smith is about to throw so many interceptions, Fantastia brooms with water buckets amount of INTs)
WE DON’T BELIEVE YOU, JALEN.
Jalen Hurts needs 600 total yards, 6 touchdowns and a cap on his head, watching the 4th quarter from the sidelines, Eagles up 63-7.
2. Can Philip Rivers get into the Hall of Fame
Philip Rivers was Hall of Fame eligible, but his entry doubtful; zero All-Pro selections, no real postseason success, never considered the best when he played.
Rivers has yards.
Cool.
But Philip Rivers would’ve been shocked, so shocked he’d be shocked back from the shock, if the NFL Hall of Fame called him.
So fuck it, why not, return to the sport, push his Hall of Fame eligibility for at least another 5 years and join a team that at one point, not too long ago, had the best offense in the NFL?
It’s only 4 games.
What if Philip Rivers helps the Colts secure a securable AFC South? I wouldn’t trust Trevor Lawrence or CJ Stroud to give me cool restaurant recommendations in their cities.
Shit, what if he even wins some playoff games? Bo Nix makes 3 great plays a game.
What if Philip Rivers makes 4?
That HoF sheet suddenly has a few more notable bullet points attached.
And although Rivers hasn’t played an NFL game in 5 years, despite being 4 years older than Joe Flacco, a player we all kinda agree is too old to be here; Rivers is the best option the Colts have:
“Fun Fact learned in production meetings: Philip Rivers ran the same offense as the Colts for his son Gunnar’s HS team this season,” Watt said. “He and Shane Steichen spoke weekly about it, discussing plays and even film. So familiarity with the scheme should be no problem whatsoever.”
Apparently, Philip Rivers knows the Colts offense so well, he’s running it daily in practice with his offspring.
I promise you, Philip Rivers knows the offense better than Indy’s current QB1 by elimination, Riley Leonard.
We are either witnessing an Academy Award-winning story about a man wh took control of his destiny and willed himself into the pinnacle of his profession, becoming an NFL Hall of Famer,
OR
We are witnessing an Academy Award-winning story about a father’s life spiraling out of control, chasing hoop dreams, ending in nightmares, NFL pass rushers placing a handicap sticker in Rivers’s family SUV, allowing them to park right in front of his physical therapy office as Philip relearns how to feed himself.
3. Drake Maye vs. Josh Allen
Right now, Matthew Stafford should win the 2025 NFL MVP Award.
Narrowly.
Josh Allen and Drake Maye’s breath on the back of his neck.
If the season ended today, photo finish, Stafford’s chest breaking through the red ribbon a split second before Drake and Josh’s. Matthew Stafford is their Amanda Bynes.
The Rams are the 1 seed and Stafford leads all QBs with 35 touchdown passes.
But this game is so important for both teams, the play of these quarterbacks, this Sunday, in Foxborough, will determine who wins the MVP.
Buffalo’s had some midseason stummy aches, whomst amongst us hasn’t woken up at least one of these past 14 Sundays with our bellies shouting like Tom after Jerry drops an anvil on his foot.
Last week, Josh Allen scored 4 touchdowns (3 passing, 1 rushing), in a snow bowl Bills victory over the Cincinnati Bengals.
Momentum for back-to-back MVP campaigns is growing. Lighting the Patriots defense on fire would catapult Josh to the front of the MVP queue.
Meanwhile, let’s take a look at how Drake Maye is performing in his second career NFL season at age 23:
- 71.1% completion percentage (1st in NFL)
- 3,412 passing yards (2nd)
- 23 passing touchdowns (4th)
- 158 first downs (4th)
- 52.6 success percentage (3rd)
- 111.9 passer rating (2nd)
Drake Maye with another beautiful touchdown throw!pic.twitter.com/f1dUZThGwM
— TB EGO (@TomBradyEgo) December 2, 2025
Guy’s a beast.
23 years old and one dub over Josh Allen away from history.
4. TJ Watt’s lungs hurt
Following a 27-22 win over the Baltimore Ravens last week, the Steelers took custody of the AFC North. Right after a huge W against the Ravens, everything coming up Milhouse, TJ Watt needs doctors to take a look at his lungs..
“I’m a little bit cautious about what I say, because I am not a medical expert,” Steelers coach Mike Tomlin told reporters Thursday. “But to make a long story short, he was experiencing some discomfort when he was at the facility [Wednesday}. So, we took him to the docs and they’re going through some procedures. He stayed overnight in the hospital.
“He has a lung situation that’s being addressed. I think he has some testing and so forth ahead of him this afternoon, and that’s all I know at this juncture. He and I communicated last night, he was comfortable, and that’s all I have really at this point.”
They are in a position many of us have experienced, me, seemingly every single time. You catch a whiff of happiness, float and leave you Earth, only for gravity to send you crashing down.
TJ Watt’s lungs hurt.
That’s not good.
On Monday night, Pittsburgh plays the Miami Dolphins, a team currently on a 4-game winning streak, starting with an upset over the Bills, peaking at the right time to steal a potential playoff spot.
And TJ Watt hit his vape too hard and might miss the game.
All kids wanna do these days is vape and charge their phones.
5. Will Abdul Carter play in the first quarter?
Since the firing of head coach Brian Daboll, the Giants are holding players accountable, finally, after elimination from the postseason, behaving like a professional football organization; to the dismay of rookie pass rusher Abdul Carter, who’s been suspended in two first quarters this season for undisclosed reasons.
In Abdul Carter’s defense, I, too, was 22 years old once, showing up to work whenever I felt like it, texting during my shift (no girls ever responsding to those texts), but I was delivering pizzas.
Abdul Carter is a starting defensive lineman in the National Football League.
I get it. I also have no idea why (now former) defensive coordinator Shane Bowen used Abdul Carter, a potential All-Star pass rusher, as a QB spy, standing around in the middle of the field, killing company time.
If playcalling is a game of chess, opposing coordinators attempting to predict and react accordingly to what they believe the other is about to do, Shane Bowen was playing solitaire.
With 4 games left in the season, Abdul Carter should be developing the habits required to become a real, true, difference maker on the field. Every day that goes by, context and nuance are lost. Abdul Carter can’t waste healthy seasons blaming unprepared coaching staffs.
No one will remember Brian Daboll’s failures when Carter’s next contract negotiations begin and the man can’t get more than 3 sacks a season.
Don’t be a bust.
6. Shedeur the Spoiler
Shout out to everyone in the sports media take business and the internet bots who hold them accountable.
Personally, I think sports are better enjoyed when actually watching and well, enjoying them; instead of proving I can be right about predictions out of my control, but, yea, I guess there’s a reason why no one you know reads Deadseriousness except you.
Maybe 2026 is the year I get into the hot take game. Might stand outside the ESPN offices, cardboard sign tied around my neck, “Will Greatly Exaggerate My Importance For Food”.
Anyway, rookie QB Shedeur Sanders had the best game of his life last week against the Tennessee Titans.
364 passing yards, 4 touchdowns, 97.7 passer rating.
I understand Shedeur is off-putting if you’re old school, believing people should show and prove; or if you’re new school, believing nepo babies grown within million-dollar incubators refuse to stop acting like god sent them on Earth to cure cancer, on podcasts, not curing cancer.
But the Browns were treating Shedeur Sanders like they had to keep calling the fire department to help him escape the building because Shedeur couldn’t read the “exit” signs.
Shedeur looked great.
And now Cleveland is in position to play spoiler, their next 3 games against Chicago, Buffalo, and Pittsburgh, opportunities to destroy a team’s playoff hopes.
These games still matter to Cleveland. Shedeur gets 4 real games to make Dillon Gabriel become an ice cream man in the greater Ohio area.
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