thelesterlee
Over the summer, I went to go see Twisters in the theatre. I went to one of those 4DX movies where the seat moved when the characters were in danger and air would blow in your face when the tornados were near.
It was absolutely lit.
The vibes were immaculate—(once the SO and I changed our seats because the little kid next to us kept climbing up onto his chair and doing Randy Savage elbow drops to the floor over and over while his mother texted, probably complaining about her badass son to his father)—so I had a good time watching the Red One trailer.
This looks funny enough. I like the people in it.
Captain America. The Rock.
The guy who made Miles Teller fly through that windshield in Whiplash.
The gang’s all here.
Santa’s kidnapped and The Rock and Lucy Lui need Chris Evans to help track him down. A polar bear named Garcia speaks English.
“Level 4 naughty listers“.
Yea, I’m in.
Let’s fucking go.
Fast forward to Red One’s opening weekend and I had honestly forgotten this movie was a thing until I was reminded Saturday morning by the flood of headlines calling this movie a massive failure.
Red One cost $250 million, which is absurd.
Friday night, it made back $10.9 milly. That’s not ideal.
Not super surprising though. I was more concerned about the negative reviews I kept scrolling past. This movie sounded like some cynical, corporate money-grab, attempting to squeeze the final drops of profit from the Christmas well.
So naturally, I had to see for myself on Saturday night—and aside from the autistic boy next to me loudly sucking his empty drink every few minutes or the sounds of the teenage theatre staff laughing loud as hell—I had a fantastic time.
The movie starts with a flashback of our protagonist, Jack O’Malley, as a chubby redheaded boy who shows his cousins where their parents hide their Christmas presents. We establish Jack O’Malley is really good at tracking things and he doesn’t believe in Santa.
Let’s go. I’m here.
We cut to the present day and Jack O’Malley is all grown up. He’s Chris Evans now—an alcoholic gambling, deadbeat dad who earns a night’s sleep from getting paid by shadowy, vague dark web figures to track people down.
Remember, he found those presents as a kid. Expert tracker.
So while Chris Evans is arguing with his baby mama—the Waitress from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia—about picking up his son from school even though the movie takes place on Christmas Eve when school is closed and by the time Evans drops the kid off, The Waitress is home, waiting at the front door—which means she could’ve just picked him up herself—we are learning how the North Pole works.
JK Simmons is Santa Claus aka Red One, preparing for Christmas with Callum Drift, Commander of ELF (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification), played by The Rock—who is contemplating his retirement as he’s become disillusioned by the growing number of people on the naughty list.
What has this world come to?
No time to hand in those resignation papers as Santa gets kidnapped by Don Draper’s daughter, Gryla the Christmas Witch.
Real quick, watching Mad Men, I didn’t think that girl would end up typecast as a witch but Sabrina is now etched in stone as yet another witch in Red One—a movie I promise will become a Christmas cult classic.
Lucy Lui plays Zoe Harlow—the director of MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority)—who I’m led to believe is tasked with making sure the mythological realm and the real world don’t mix.
She and Callum Drift find out Jack O’Malley was the tracker who unknowingly gave away Santa Claus’s location to Nick Kroll and his team of generic Eastern European gangsters, working for Gryla the Christmas Witch, of course.
Ya see, Gryla has a master plan. Like Callum Drift, Gryla also recognizes the rise of naughty listers and unlike Santa Claus, Gryla wants to finally punish all of these people for these wrongdoings. From murderers to jaywalkers, if you are naughty, she’s going to trap you in your own small, individual snowglobe for all of eternity.
I feel her. Like, I wouldn’t personally move like that but I get it.
But where is Gryla keeping Santa Claus? Well, we all know there’s only one location that can hold Santa’s energy or whatever.
Hurry, to his brother’s crib. Krampus must have Santa.
There’s a ton of lore Red One. Krampus and Gryla used to date back in the day. The German demigod who looks like a goat-man-beast-thing dated an 18-foot-tall ogre with elephant skin—and I believe she had multiple tails as well.
Krampus is a freak. I respect the hell out of him.
Our boys quickly find out Krampus doesn’t have Santa while Callum sees Jack may not be so naughty after all. With an opportunity to leave freely with his life in tact, Jack stays behind to help Callum escape Krampus.
Our characters are growing right before our eyes. Aw.
Callum and Zoe realize Gryla and her family of shapeshifters have taken over the North Pole and Santa Claus never left the city.
Meanwhile, Jack and his son get trapped in Gryla’s snowglobes before they make peace with each other—shattering their prisons and removing themselves from the naughty list.
Our protagonist has completed his hero’s journey. He’s not a dickhead anymore.
There’s a generic, gray-ish third-act action sequence. Krampus comes to save his brother. They make amends. Gryla gets trapped in one of her own snowglobes.
Then we watch CGI JK Simmons jump from roof to roof delivering Christmas presents.
The day is saved.
So millions of people didn’t rush to the theatres, who cares? Red One will be the no. 1 movie on whatever streaming service it releases on.
The movie industry is in hell. The only movies that make money are sequels and remakes. No one wants to leave the house to pay for a movie they aren’t 1000% certain will be great.
The world is different.
But we don’t need to pretend as if Red One is some attack on sacred holiday movies past.
Christmas movies have always been stupid. Like, all of them.
They didn’t realize they left their son Kevin alone until they boarded the plane.
Christmas movies have always been dumb.
Red One was fun, man. It’s dope seeing Lucy Lui get a little action sequence. Kill Bill changed my life. You’re not going to see me complain about Lucy Lui throwing hands.
This movie is exactly what I thought it would be. Sort of dogshit. 5 stars. Wouldn’t change a thing.
The Rock was a bootlicking supercop. Chris Evans was a smarmy asshole. They traveled across the planet via magical toy stores. They cursed a couple times.
I’m not sure what artistic masterpiece these critics were expecting from a movie starring Jimmy Kimmel’s nephew but we don’t have to pretend as if Red One is the beginning of the end for our society.
This is no different than Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger—which is also kinda of a dogshit movie that is 5 stars and I recommend to everyone.
Not every movie needs an Oscar consideration.
Red One is exactly what you are paying for. Garbage. Trash. 10 out of 10. Must-see TV.
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