thelesterlee
Project 2025 enacted. DEI is dead. The White Walkers have breached the Wall. Cooper Flagg is coming.
18 year old Cooper Flagg explosive athleticism pic.twitter.com/aPcw1vu5Qr
— Pitless (@pitlessball) April 8, 2025
I finally understand why the White House is Eternal-Sunshining the country to forget Jackie Robinson’s existence—they’re changing all the textbooks to say Cooper Flagg broke the color barrier. Deadseriousness may become the home for all fencing or curling news once Cooper inevitably becomes the new NBA logo.
From what I’ve watched this year, Flagg’s walking into the NBA ready to have Paolo Banchero’s 2022-23 season where he averaged 20 a game and won Rookie of the Year. He has the potential to jump-start the economy of the city that drafts him. Industries blessed with stimulus checks if Flagg adopts their mailing address.
With great power comes great responsibility. After looking around at the teams outside of the play-in game, we can’t allow Cooper Flagg to fall into the wrong hands.
And before we go any further, let’s make it very clear that these rankings are based on what EYE would like to see. I don’t care about the “face of the league” or declining TV ratings or other lazy First Take debate subjects. Where would it be the coolest to watch the 2025 National College Player of the Year?
So let’s rank these trash teams to find the best possible landing spot for Cooper Flagg.
1. New Orleans Pelicans
Zion Williamson has 7 months to decide whether to become a legend or continue acting out teenage boy fantasies. 15-year-old me, too, would exclusively spend my NBA salary on gummy bears and porn stars. Zion turns 25 this summer. It’s time to either reach his potential or continue limping in and out of bakeries, brothels, and Hampton Inns while the Pelicans get whooped by 50.
When he wakes up on the right side of the bed, he’s an atomic bomb destroying an innocent Japanese city. When he wakes up next to a woman eating hot Cheetos—getting Cheeto dust all over the sheets, he has the mental focus on a future Japanese basketball superstar. He’s going to sell sooo many sneakers over there.
Before the Pelicans saran-wrapped him—in hopes of losing as many games possible to increase their odd of acquiring Cooper Flagg—Zion had 9 straight 20+ point games, against some real defenses. 29 on Minnesota. 30 on the Pistons. 20 on Orlando and Houston. 22 on the Clippers. A healthy, motivated, not-yet-logged-into-OnlyFans-Zion is a game-wrecker.
Zion Williamson 29-5-8-3, 12/16 FG, W pic.twitter.com/rLJ620eO9l
— Brett Usher (@UsherNBA) March 20, 2025
Perhaps the arrival of Flagg—a player capable of instantly turning the Pelicans into a squad opposing teams need to make sure they’re well-rested for—would motivate Zion to maybe not have that extra cookie in his hotel bed at 1am or to maybe send the homie up the block to grab a box of condoms instead of accidentally creating several families across the country when all he really wants to do is pillow talk about how annoying CJ McCollum is while he and his lady friend for the night share an Entenmann’s butter loaf—a little pound cake after a little pound cake, as a treat.
Trey Murphy, Herb Jones, Jordan Hawkins. Yves Missi, Zion Williamson, Cooper Flagg. Giddy up.
2. Charlotte Hornets
LaMelo Ball, Brandon Miller and Cooper Flagg would be middle-school-me’s favorite team. This would easily be the most used NBA 2K team next season. Every kid downloading 2K is playing their first Dynasty Mode as the Charlotte Hornets with Cooper Flagg.
Each generation deserves its own swaggy losers. Whether it’s Mitch Richmond, Chris Mullin and Tim Hardaway on the Warriors in the 90’s or my guys Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Lamar Odom (sometimes Darius Miles) on the Clippers in the early 00s.
This could be a culture-creating pick.
If this organization can persuade a billionaire to bring back Starter jackets—as opposed to spending billions to purchase social media sites and altering the algorithms to flood our timelines with content that makes us want to look into getting on antidepressants—then Hornets merch would flood the streets.
Those Charlotte Hornets Starter jackets would heal the nation.
Plus, we saw how Hornets fans embraced Gordon Hayward. There’s plenty of them in Charlotte to rally behind Cooper but not enough to be annoying about it.
3. Portland Trailblazers
Most of the teams on this list disgust me. Shout out to Wizards fans. I cannot imagine pretending to believe Bilal Coulibaly will become a great.
The Portland Trailblazers might finish the regular season with the same exact record as the Phoenix Suns. They play their asses off every night and once head coach, Chauncey Billups, changed course—benching the vets and letting the younglings compete—suddenly you had to bring armor and knee pads to duel at the Moda Center.
Deni Advija has evolved into Orlando Magic, IDF Hedo Turkogolu—running the offense as a point forward. Once Donovan Clingan sets 10 toes down in the paint, you’re not scoring over him. Shaedon Sharpe is a highkey bucket-getter—transforming into a dynamic three-level scorer. Toumani Camara is that ideal “3 and D” player your favorite podcaster fetishes.
Anferenee Simons will most likely be playing elsewhere next year but it’s fine. That’s what Cooper Flagg is here for.
The skeleton of a perennial playoff-contending team is here. They just need a superstar to power all the gears.
4. Toronto Raptors
The Toronto Raptors roster is a Picasso painting, by a Kindergartener—who doesn’t know who Picasso is.
Scottie Barnes, Brandon Ingram, RJ Barrett. Gradey Dick. Immanuel Quickley. Toronto team president, Masai Ujiri, is putting this roster together by randomly throwing darts at a board, blindfolded—except the dartboard is a pile of shit and the darts he’s throwing are also shit.
I’d love to waste some prime years of Cooper Flagg’s career watching him stand in the corner watching awkward Scottie Barnes isos or slow-motion Brandon Ingram isos. Need some 2-man fastbreaks with Flagg and RJ where Flagg is wide open down the lane and RJ—who still looks at the ball when he dribbles—drives head down directly into the defender waiting for him at the rim.
Hey Coop, get ready to set screens for Immanuel Quickley.
5. Brooklyn Nets
This is entirely selfish but it’d be cool to drive 35 minutes to see one of the best in the league play for tickets that cost just about the same amount it costs to have a fun hour at Dave and Busters.
Those are the two options out here in the Long Island sticks.
$5 for courtside seats at the Nets game or $10 for D&B chicken fingers.
That is the entirety of all available weekend plans over here.
Truthfully, I’d love if the Knicks and Nets had a real rivalry. I know fans molded a faux-beef out of Kevin Durant throwaway comments saying the Knicks weren’t cool but the Knicks were playing Marcus Morris heavy minutes then. It wasn’t a rivalry.
Two homegrown-ish teams with bonafide stars on both sides—the Knicks with Jalen Brunson and Karl-Anthony Towns and the Nets with Cooper Flagg and future free agent signing Naz Reid—battling 4 times a year for New York supremacy.
6. Washington Wizards
I’ll start with the positives, the Eastern Conference desperately needs superstars. Far too many below .500 teams are playing meaningful basketball games in April for my liking.
Years of wadding in the draft lottery waters have left Washington with a roster full of young role players but have yet to acquire the One.
Cooper Flagg is an astronomically better basketball player than Washington’s last first-round draft pick, Alex Sarr.
But those role players aren’t good enough for Flagg to magically transform Washington into a playoff team but Cooper would at least, finally, be a starting point.
Washington could build a dynasty around this kid—introducing a new Eastern Conference power. We’ll need it. I don’t think Giannis will be a Milwaukee resident much longer. If Cooper can get Washington in some playoff wars with Cade Cunningham and Paolo Banchero, the East may have some juice and we maybe Miami, Atlanta and Chicago will either fully tank or build real teams instead of racking up Play-In Tournament records.
7. San Antonio Spurs
Hey man, from the moment I became a regular NBA enjoyer, the San Antonio Spurs had a monopoly over the league. Boring ass Tim Duncan and their gray ass arena and depressing court scheme and their wack ass fundamentals.
Fuck the Spurs, respectively.
I cannot do another decade of San Antonio supremacy. Victor Wembayama and De’Aaron Fox, good luck to y’all but you cannot have Cooper Flagg too.
8. Utah Jazz
The Utah Jazz tanking for the last 3 seasons saved us from having to watch or care about them. The last thing those log cabin, hot cocoa sipping, slope skiing, cash embezzling, “God said I should own women, multiple women. actually” ass maniacs need is a White Savior.
Surprisingly, this Trump 2.0 term hasn’t been fueled by daily culture wars over book bannings and face masks—probably because of the singular focus on the unnecessary destruction of the global economy—but Cooper Flagg dominating in Salt Lake City would destroy casual NBA discourse.
The world would literally be a worse place if Cooper Flagg wore a Jazz jersey.
9. Philadelphia 76ers
This city will murder this child. Ben Simmons. Joel Embiid. Jahlil Okafor. Markelle Fultz. They will kill you, Cooper. Even this year’s first-round pick, the Tik Tok Twink, tore his meniscus, forcing him to miss most of his rookie campaign.
Paul George was All-NBA last season, took one foot inside the Sixers facility and became Harrison Barnes [derogatory].
Kelly Oubre can’t ride his bike to the store without waking up on the windshield of a Honda CR-V.
If Cooper Flagg is drafted to the Philadelphia 76ers, he will die. They will kill him.
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What about the Phoenix Suns?