thelesterlee
We’ve made it to the 2023 NBA Finals where the Denver Nuggets and Miami Heat are set to do battle. There are only about two games a week which means the basketball coverage is going to be narrative driven and not a lot of actual basketball talk.
Let’s rank the 7 most annoying storylines heading into the 2023 NBA Finals:
7. Kevin Love outlet passes
Kevin Love arrived in Miami at the end of the season and it was as if every NBA broadcast suddenly remembered he existed and has spent every game reminding us all how great he is at outlet passes.
Touchdown, Kevin Love. Here are the 3 outlet passes from yesterday. @PFTCommenter
— Jake Marsh (@PMTsportsbiz) May 1, 2023
It’s a cool skill Kevin Love possesses but we don’t need to act as if he is revolutionizing the game of basketball every time he grabs a defensive rebound and rockets the ball upcourt. If anything, more players should be doing it.
Yes, I understand the amount of strength of precision necessary to do what Love does but like, these are professional athletes. They should all be strong and precise. It’s the minimum requirement of being an NBA player.
6. Michael Malone story time
Denver Nuggets head coach, Michael Malone, has had a microphone in his face seemingly every day and every day he uses that microphone to mythologize these Denver Nuggets in real-time. Here he is telling a story about Jamal Murray returning from his ACL injury:
Jamal Murray thought he was “damaged goods” and would get traded when he tore his ACL
Michael Malone praises Murray 🙏 pic.twitter.com/UZRxrYniAW
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) May 21, 2023
“I remember being on the bus with [Murray after the injury]. “He had tears in his eyes, and that was the message. ‘Hey man, you’re gonna come back from this and not only are you gonna come back, you’re gonna be better.’
“His first thought was, ‘Man, are you gonna trade me? I’m damaged goods, are you guys gonna trade me now?’ I hugged him and I said, ‘Hell no! You’re ours. We love you, we’re gonna help you get back, and you’re gonna be a better player for it.’”
That’s a nice story about your star point guard battling the odds and all that good stuff but it’s also an extremely personal anecdote about another man crying to you and calling himself ‘damaged goods’. Maybe, uh, maybe that’s Jamal’s story to tell and not Malone’s.
Michael Malone spent the entire Lakers series going through every single ‘nobody believes us’ trope in the book. Whether the Nuggets win or lose, get ready for Malone to get in front of a camera and attempt to turn this Denver run into a historic NBA moment. Whether we like it or not.
5. Anything involving anyone’s legacy
Most NBA analysis—especially on TV—is almost entirely centered around players’ legacies. Denver and Phoenix had one of the most interesting playoff series we’ve seen in a long time and the next day, every NBA analyst went on TV and exclusively talked about what every win and loss meant for Kevin Durant and Chris Paul’s legacy.
Nikola Jokic is a 2-time MVP who is leading the no. 1 seed to the 2023 NBA Finals and instead of being in the moment and enjoying the greatness on display every other night, people are essentially ignoring the games and debating where he ranks among all-time centers.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Butler is out to create his legacy. I don’t think anyone had even considered Jimmy being a Top 50 player before this playoff run but knocking off the Bucks and Celtics and now potentially beating the best team in the NBA in the Finals is going to turn every post-game show into a “where does Jimmy Butler rank all time” segment with no actual breakdowns of the games.
4. Heat Culture
I’ll get more specific about one aspect of Heat Culture later in this article but the phrase itself has been used and abused at this point. Not only has Pat Riley tricked the world into thinking he’s an Italian gangster from Rome, Italy when he’s actually Irish from Rome, New York but he’s tricked the media into believing he singlehandedly invited the idea of playing hard.
The strangest part is how many people eat up this narrative. For some reason we scold guys like James Harden because they like to go to strip clubs and have fun while praising the Heat Culture or working hard and being disciplined as if we as fans are ourselves, hitting the gym multiple times a day and putting in extra hours at work and shit.
Most people praising Heat Culture would call out of work if the weather was nice enough and they made dope plans with friends yet they are in awe of the idea of Pat Riley’s conditioning tests. If I was a rich NBA player I 1000% would spend more time where girls are than at the team facility with Udonis fucking Haslem breathing old hot dog air in my face.
3. Aw Shucks, Jokic
There was a point this season when people in the NBA media were telling us Nikola Jokic doesn’t even care if he wins his third MVP. And perhaps there’s truth to those claims but how the hell does anyone know?
Jokic barely speaks yet we’ve cast this personality on him as this ‘aw, shucks’ guy based on nothing he’s said. Jokic has become the face of the humble hard-working white dude when in reality, there is nothing about his game indicating this at all.
He dribbles behind his back. He throws no-look passes. He does trick shots over his head when the shot clock is winding down. Shit, he nearly paralyzed Marcus Morris shoving him from behind because he was a little mad at Morris for getting in his face. There is NOTHING humble about what Jokic does on a basketball court. He’s doing AND 1 mixtape moves on guys and the NBA media is like ‘wow, the modesty’.
It’s like how they’ve reframed Larry Bird into the model of humility even though every single player who has ever defended Bird has said he talks wild shit all game and doesn’t have an ounce of modesty in his body.
Nikola Jokic is currently the best basketball player on Earth and he didn’t get that way by being the shy everyman the media is attempting to paint him as. Dude is an asshole. And that’s fine.
It’s still wild to me Jokic shoved the owner of the Phoenix Suns a few weeks ago and EVERYONE universally agreed the Suns owner was flopping and Jokic did no wrong. We really treat Nikola like a 7-foot baby who is incapable of harm.
2. Undrafted Heat
How long into the Game 1 broadcast do you think it’ll take before someone mentions the number of undrafted players on the Heat? 1 second? Less?
I fully grasp the level of achievement here. The incredible scouting and the coaching staff’s ability to create 3-point sharpshooters from scratch. The Heat’s rotational player factory is one of one.
But let’s relax if anyone thinks the Heat wouldn’t immediately trade all of those bums for a star player right this second if the opportunity presented itself. It’s dope all these guys contributed to a Finals team but these players only exist out of necessity.
The Heat signed a bunch of bad contracts and could only afford these guys who were barely in the league. Congrats to the organization for helping them improve but like, if Dame wanted to be on the Heat then all these guys would have a bag shoved over their heads and suddenly wake up in Portland against their will.
1. Himmy Buckets
Jimmy Butler has established himself as one of the most unique personalities of our generation. From bullying the Minnesota Timberwolves in practice to the headband club in Philadelphia to dragging the Heat to the NBA Finals in the bubble and having the exhaustion levels of a Popeye’s shift supervisor when the spicy chicken sandwich came out, the legend of Jimmy Butler has been incredible to watch.
But the media has become too aware of Jimmy and they are ruining one of the coolest players in the game. How many times have the Heat lost a game and the cameras immediately rush to find him smiling on the bench or nodding so he can become a meme for 24 hours.
This week, Jimmy Butler trademarked the phrase ‘Himmy Buckets’ which he intends to use to sell merch and stuff. Cool. It’s his brand. None of my business. Kind of corny to be honest but again, probably smart business. The media is framing it as genius. It’s strange.
Or there’s a story about Jimmy offering Coco Gauff tickets to the Finals before the playoffs even started. I think I’m about done with Jimmy Butler stories for a solid 365 days. The lame decibels are becoming overwhelming.
Can we all enjoy Jimmy Butler without turning him into the corniest dude in NBA history?
Anyway, Nuggets in 4.
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