Ranking the 14 NFL Playoff Teams Based On Who We Should Be Rooting For To Win The Super Bowl

As a Giants fan who won’t get the opportunity to watch my team play football again until September, I have to find a quick new squad to root for in the playoffs. Unless you’re gambling, it’s tough to get emotionally invested in two random teams having field goal-offs because every game is played in 0-degree weather which turns the most dynamic offenses into local JV football clubs running halfback dives for 1-yard gains over and over.

Before I rank these teams, it’s insane how many teams make the playoffs. Almost 50% of the league gets to play in the postseason. Tommy DeVito almost made the playoffs. We’re like, 5 years away from adding 4 more teams because Cash Rules Everything Around Me. But this all a conversation for another day. Some real ‘get off my lawn’ shit I’m dealing with as I age.

Anyway, let’s rank these teams based on who we should be rooting for to win the Super Bowl:

14. Dallas Cowboys

Fuck the Cowboys.

13. Philadelphia Eagles

The season started with us being waterboarded with Eagles propaganda. Can you believe how many Georgia players are on their defense?? Jalen Hurts should be MVP. Nick Sirianni is one of the best coaches in football. AJ Brown is the best receiver.

And then the San Francisco 49ers came to their city and took every dollar out of their wallets. Since then, Jalen Hurts body fell apart from getting his ass thrown over 300-pound linemen to get 1 yard. Nick Sirianni could get fired and AJ Brown hates the Eagles and turns all of their games into Triple Threat matches: Eagles vs. Buccaneers vs. AJ Brown this Monday.

12. Pittsburgh Steelers

I’m not watching Mason Rudolph play football.

11. Miami Dolphins

I was prepared to put Miami in the Top 5 because Tua Tagovailoa turning into Drew Brees after years of being mocked for his inability to throw a football further than 10 yards but the Dolphins play in Kansas City this weekend where it’ll be like, Dr. Freeze taking over Gotham City levels of cold. Miami isn’t winning. There’s no point in me even pretending like they will.

10. Buffalo Bills

The Buffalo Bills are at their most fun to watch when Josh Allen is closing his eyes and launching a ball 50 yards downfield where only the opposing safety can catch it. Unfortunately, those plays don’t typically lead to the Bills finishing the game with more points than their opponents so I can’t rank them much higher on this list but man, I pray this weekend, Josh Allen throws for 400 yards with 5 of the most egregious turnovers the world has ever seen.

9. San Francisco 49ers

Remember when Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors and the entire sports discourse became consumed with boring debates about super teams ruining the planet and shit? The 49ers roster is stuffed with All-Stars and we’re all okay with this?? They traded for Christian McCaffrey and Chase Young at back-to-back trade deadlines and no one cares? How does the salary cap even work?? Nah, you can’t root for the Harlem Globetrotters over the rest of these teams.

8. Houston Texans

CJ Stroud was so good this season, he made Frank Reich lose his job in Carolina. He’s so good, he made the owner of the Panthers throw a drink at a fan. Stroud is so good, he brought a team that won 3 games last season to the playoffs this year.

23 touchdowns to 5 interceptions in your first NFL season is insane. But if you know me at all then you know I’m all in on Marlboro Joe and the Browns and unfortunately, the Texans are in their way so I can’t root for them at all. Maybe next year, CJ. Get a better matchup next time.

7. Detroit Lions

Jared Goff finished 2nd in yards and 4th in touchdowns. The Lions finished with the 5th best offense in the NFL. Dan Campbell has restored the feeling in Detroit¹.

One side of me is rooting for Jared Goff to make his second Super Bowl appearance after being called a bust for the first few years of his career but on the other side, the man was drafted no. 1 overall and the first pick in the draft should be taking his team to the Super Bowl regularly.

6. Green Bay Packers

I’m not sentimental. I care not for nostalgia. I wouldn’t describe myself as romantic but there’s something beautiful about seeing those Green Bay Packers jerseys in these cold playoff games. From Brett Favre to Aaron Rodgers and now Jordan Love, I just keep a special place in my heart for these guys.

But more importantly, it would be hilarious for Jordan Love to win a Super Bowl this year as the guy he was drafted to replace popped his achilles and spent the year lying about how fast he was recovering and gleefully grinning while calling out Dr. Fauci every week with Pat McAfee.

5. Los Angeles Rams

The Los Angeles Rams have quietly been my secret backup team for years. I love the way Sean McVay runs a team. I always joke about McVay’s assistant coaches and interns and friends skipping the line for open head coaching jobs but it makes total sense for teams to look at what McVay’s done in Los Angeles and want to bring some of that energy to their cities.

Sean McVay is the last of a dying breed. A dude whose mere presence on the sidelines gets your team a few extra wins.

4. Kansas City Chiefs

Dynasties are cool. And the Chiefs are one of the least annoying dynasties I can remember. Patriots fans made people believe dynasties are boring but it’s pretty cool watching a team consistently dominate. I’d rather watch Patrick Mahomes play football for 4 straight weeks than Mason Rudolph. This is going to sound crazy but good teams are good to watch.

But then you add in Taylor Swift becoming a key member of the team and I wouldn’t hate another Chiefs title.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baker Mayfield’s career was over before this year. Baker went to Carolina, a team led by professional scammer, Matt Rhule, who tricked NFL teams into bidding for his services because he won some games at Temple or whatever.

Anyway, Baker winning a Super Bowl after narrowly beating out Kyle Trask for the starting job would be insane.

The Baker story is cool but the real reason the Bucs are this high in these rankings is my guy, Todd Bowles.

Respect to Tampa Bay for allowing Bowles to stay on board following Tom Brady’s retirement and letting Bowles continue to build this program. Black head coaches don’t often get the room to struggle. And now he’s in the playoffs with Baker fucking Mayfield.

2. Baltimore Ravens

Look, some people can pretend like all 32 NFL owners didn’t join forces this offseason to keep money out of Lamar Jackson’s bank account by pretending they weren’t interested in one of the best quarterbacks we have ever seen. The Ravens made him available and every team immediately rushed to say they weren’t interested. Within minutes, reports came out that teams like the Atlanta Falcons were all set. Lamar Jackson is going to win the MVP and Desmond Ridder is about be a Door Dash driver. Ok.

If Lamar Jackson can win 2 MVPs and lead the Ravens to a Super Bowl then his legacy will forever be protected. We don’t have to wade through these vaguely racist waters where people say Lamar isn’t “quarterbacky” enough because he’s smart enough to realize “hey, if I run the ball myself then our offense has an extra man advantage”. They treat athletic QBs like they’re special needs diversity hires when in reality, they understand analytics and gaining offensive advantages.

1. Cleveland Browns

Can you picture it? 39-year-old Joe Flacco holding up the Lombardi trophy with a lit cig dangling from his bottom lip and a look on his face that says “Can I go home now?”

Flacco shouldn’t even be here. The Browns shouldn’t either. Especially considering Flacco was their 4th quarterback following numerous injuries including the pervert they paid $230 million guaranteed who now plays football super stiff. As if he’s in desperate need of a massage, perhaps.

In 2012, Joe Flacco had the most historic Super Bowl run ever. In 4 games, including the Super Bowl, Flacco had a 117.2 passer rating with 1,140 yards and 11 touchdowns to 0 interceptions. He won a 38-35 shootout against the Peyton Manning-led Denver Broncos.

“Is Joe Flacco elite?” became a topic of debate ESPN would have seemingly every single day after this Super Bowl run and over a decade later, we’re about to experience it again.

Oh, plus the Browns have been the biggest laughing stock in the NFL for my entire life. This is potentially history-altering. All those mediocre QBs over the years and Joe Flacco could be the one to save this organization.

And man, Deshaun Watson’s career is officially over if the Browns win the Super Bowl with Flacco. Watson already looks like he has no idea how to play football anymore. Flacco taking his team to the chip would zap any remaining confidence out of this man. That paired with all the press the Browns would get. The Watson sexual assault storyline will be all over the news again. Deshaun Watson will be going through hell if the Browns win. We should all be Marlboro Joe Flacco fans.